German pensioners jailed for kidnapping and torturing financial adviser

A gang of German pensioners have been handed jail terms for kidnapping their financial adviser and torturing him in a cellar for four days. Victim James Amburn blew the four wealthy OAPs' �2.3million savings on the US sub-prime mortgage market. And in a bizarre caper that left police astonished, the elderly plotters snatched him off the street and threw him into a specially prepared dungeon in a bid to force him to pay back the cash.

The kidnappers hit Amburn over the head with a walker and stuffed him in a cardboard box, then wrapped him in duct tape until he "looked like a mummy" after stopping to get their breath back.

They then bundled him into a car boot and took him 300 miles to a secret prison on the shores of picturesque Lake Chiemsee in Bavaria.

After stripping him him naked, they burned him with cigarettes and chained him up "like an animal". They also broke several of his ribs with a chair leg before 40 police commandos stormed the house and saved him.

"The fear of death was indescribable," Amburn, 56, who is being investigated for fraud, told the plotters' trial. "I didn't know if night was day or day was night. I never thought I'd make it out alive."

The ringleader of the gang, Ronald Koenig, 74, was jailed for six years. Koenig's sidekick, Willy Dehmer, 60, got four years. Koenig's wife Sieglinde, 79, got 21 months and doctor Iris Fell, 63, got 18 months. The women's sentences were suspended. The judge called it "a spectacular case of taking the law into their own hands". Prosecutors said the kidnap last June was "almost surreal - but it happened".

VIDEO UPDATE: Interview of Woman Who's Car Was Shoved Along By a Truck

JOKE:

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, moves across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

Bank robbers called ahead for take-out cash before robbing bank

In another chapter of dumb criminal classics, a man and a teen from Bridgeport allegedly thought they could rob a bank the same way people order take-out food.

Police said a 27-year-old and a 16-year-old called People's United Bank on Stratfield Road about 10 minutes before they came to collect their order Tuesday afternoon. They asked for $100,000 in large bills with no dye packs inside the bag, police said.

"You can't make this stuff up," said Sgt. James Perez, Fairfield police spokesman. "They literally called the bank and said to have the bag of money ready on the floor because they're coming to rob the place. And then they actually show up as the police were rolling in. I would classify these individuals as, `Not-too-bright.' They should have spent time in school instead of trying to rob a bank."

The 27-year-old was identified as Albert Bailey, of West Taft Avenue. Bailey was held without bond to be turned over to the Department of Correction because he was on probation for robbing a People's bank in Bridgeport in 2003, according to police and court records.

Bailey was caught the same day of his offense that time, too, and sentenced to seven years in jail, according to state Judicial Branch records.

The 16-year-old was not identified because of his age.

"They threatened to create `a blood bath' on their phone call to the bank," said Fairfield police Lt. Thomas Mrozek. However, he said, the suspects did not use a weapon.

Apparently, Bailey waited in a car parked in a nearby condominium complex lot while the 16-year-old swiped the cash bag and walked out with an undetermined amount of cash.

Fairfield Officer Michael Guilfoyle, a former Bridgeport Bluefish pitcher, spotted the youth -- he knew what he looked like, thanks to a description from the bank -- trying to get into the car.

Guilfoyle ran over, gun drawn, and stopped the suspects before they could leave the parking lot, Mrozek said.

Both robbery suspects were charged with first-degree robbery and first-degree threatening. The 16-year-old was sent to an area juvenile jail, police said.

Perez said he was pleased and proud that a bank security seminar he held about a month ago appears to be reaping good results.

Several representatives from People's -- which has seven branches in Fairfield -- were among more than 18 bank companies represented there and apparently took seriously the seminar's instruction on good and bad ways to report information to police, he said

A bank employee called police after the youths telephoned, and stayed on the phone to give officers updates as the robbery occurred, Perez said, crediting the bank with giving police good descriptions and "plenty of forewarning."

The robbers got what they ordered, he said, but "didn't expect police to be in the take-out line."

JOKE: A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time.

A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.

He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!

"What happened!" screamed the nurse.

"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"