JOKE: The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I have played many different gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, and so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad, and apologized to the men for being late. I then went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently I’m still lost…

PRANK VIDEO: tHANK gOD

VIDEO PRANK: LMAO KISSINGEST

JOKE: Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.   The Mullah asks if they have any last questions  before they leave.   Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."  

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."  

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" 

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."  

"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" 

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"  

"What about different positions?" asks the man.  

"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.   "Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.  

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!" 

"Doggy style?" 

"Sure! Allah Akbar!"  

"On the kitchen table?"  

"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"   "Can I do it with all my four wives together on  rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"  

"You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"   "Can we do it standing up?"  

"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."  

"Why not?" asks the man.  

"Because that could lead to dancing!"

GOT CAPTION? 11/1

GOT CAPTION? 11/1 v.2.0

VIDEO: Kayaking with Redondo Beach Blue Whales

World's oldest groom ties the knot at 120..and to a woman half his age!

What man doesn't want to marry a woman half his age?

Hazi Abdul Noor, a 120-year-old widower in India, made history this past weekend when he married 60-year-old Samoi Bibi, reports the Times of India.

More than 500 guests attended the wedding in Satghori, a remote village in the state of Assam. More than 100 of them were the groom's immediate family members - two sons, four daughters, their spouses and their many children.

"It was not an easy job to find a bride for a 100-year-old," son Hazi Azir Uddin told the Times. "However, by the grace of god, we have found a new mother, though she's half his age."

Noor is thought to be the world's oldest groom.

GOT CAPTION? 10/31

GOT CAPTION? 10/30 v.2.0

Florida pizza workers burned down rival store

The battle for pizza supremacy has taken a wrong turn in Florida.

Two managers of a Domino's Pizza restaurant in Lake City, in north-central Florida, have been charged with burning down a rival Papa John's location.

The motive? Police say one of the men admitted that he believed with his competitor out of the way, more pizza lovers would flock to his restaurant.

The Papa John's was gutted in the Oct. 20 fire.

Sean Everett Davidson, 23, and Bryan David Sullivan, 22 were arrested Thursday and Friday, respectively, and booked on an arson charge each and were being held in jail.

The Star-Banner of Ocala reports that police are still looking for an ignition device that the men claimed they made but did not use to start the fire.

Police said the suspects described a device made out of a clack, a nine-volt battery, a golf ball-size amount of black gunpowder and a plastic bag, the newspaper reported.

The suspects allegedly told police that they dismantled the device and threw the parts out of their vehicle along Interstate 75.

Police warned anyone finding an odd device along the highway not to touch it.

Joke: The American and the Aussie

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.   She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.   On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.   "What happened?" she asks.   "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

GOT CAPTION? 10/30

GOT CAPTION? 10/30 v.2.0

Washington man cuts off arm with guillotine

A Bellingham man apparently severed his right arm on a homemade guillotine and then walked to a nearby medical clinic for help.

Police and medics received a call from employees at the clinic in the 300 block of Birchwood Avenue late Thursday morning stating a man had just arrived with a severed arm, said Mark Young with Bellingham police.

As medics took the man away for treatment at a local hospital, police went to woods near the clinic and found the severed arm and a homemade guillotine at a camp where the man had been living.

Officers brought the arm to the hospital in the hopes it could be reattached. Later, medics decided the man needed to be airlifted to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle.

While being treated, the man was interviewed by officers and indicated the wound was self-inflicted.

Meanwhile, other officers grabbed a chainsaw and went to go dismantle the guillotine, which Young said looked just like ones you would see in medieval times.

"It was constructed out of 2 by 6 by at least 12-feet tall timbers," Young said, adding the materials and makeshift blade were apparently found by scavenging the local area.

"A lot of thought and a lot of work and lot of preparation went into making this device, and it was apparent this individual used this device to sever his own arm," Young said.

NATURE | Behind the Scenes of "Hummingbirds" | PBS

Hummingbirds: Magic in the AirVideo: Full Episode

Watch Hummingbirds: Magic in the Air on PBS. See more from Nature.

http://www.pbs.org/wnet/nature/episodes/hummingbirds-magic-in-the-air/video-full-episode/5475/

VIDEO: Life is Scary..Happy Halloween

VIDEO: The Lion That Plays Soccer

Prank Video: Forgot my panties

Ford reintroduces the 1965 Mustang..46 years later

Ford Motor Co. will soon sell brand-new 1965 Ford Mustangs for just $15,000 each. The only hitch: There's some assembly required.

As part of its Ford Reproduction business, Ford revealed today it had approved a new stamping of the steel bodies for first-generation Mustang that buyers could then build into their own 1964 1/2 through 1966 Mustang, using whatever engine, axles, interior and other parts they can find on their own.

The first-generation Mustangs rank as America's most-restored vehicle, and the cottage industry of reproduction parts has grown to where it's possible to build a Mustang just as it would have appeared on the showroom floor in the mid-1960s, down to the pushbutton AM/FM radio.

Ford says the new body shell built by California-based Dynacorn has been improved only slightly with modern welding techniques and rustproofing, and comes out of the crate nearly ready for paint and assembly. The company already offers metal bodies for Mustangs from 1967 through 1970, and has been in talks with Ford to remake the original body of the Ford Bronco. There's still life in those old horses yet.

Huge 16 foot python found in Florida had just eaten a deer

Officials in the Florida Everglades have captured and killed a 16-foot (4.88-meter)-long Burmese python that had just eaten an adult deer.

Scott Hardin, exotic species coordinator for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission, says workers found the snake on Thursday. The reptile was one of the largest ever found in South Florida.

Hardin says the python had recently consumed a 76-pound (34.47-kilogram) female deer that had died. He says it was an important capture to help stop the spread of pythons further north.

JOKE: The Linguistics Professor

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.   "In English," he said, "a double-negative forms a positive."   "In some languages, though," he continued, "such as Russian, a double-negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double-positive can form a negative."   A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"   "Sure would like to get some action tonight," said the old man.   "You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished."   "What did you say?" asked the old man.   "You heard me - you're all finished."   "Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you?" 

GOT CAPTION? 10/29

GOT CAPTION? 10/29 v.2.0

VIDEO: Parahawking..Flying with a Hawk

VIDEO: Cat Trolls Its' Buddies

JOKE: BUG HITS WINDSHIELD

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered into their car windscreen, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof. Surprised, the daughter asked her father,"Daddy, what was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after moment said: "Had a big dick, didn't it?"

GOT CAPTION? 10/28

GOT CAPTION? 10/28 v.2.0

VIDEO: Drunk, Topless Ohio Woman Leads Police on 128 MPH Chase

Police in Ohio recently arrested a near-naked woman whose apparent need to reach speeds allegedly in excess of 120 mph left her wearing not much more than a set of stainless steel bracelets.

The events leading up to a high-speed chase occurred around 4 a.m. on Oct. 11. An officer was patrolling Route 422 in Bainbridge when he clocked 28-year-old Erin Holdsworth of Hiram, Ohio, driving her 2002 Mazda 626 at nearly twice the 65 mph speed limit. The officer attempted to make a traffic stop but Holdsworth refused to comply, according to Bainbridge Police Chief Jon Bokovitz.

"There was a pursuit of about seven miles," Bokovitz told The Huffington Post. "An officer from the [Geauga County] Sheriff's Office was in the area, and he put down stop sticks."

Both of the left tires on Holdsworth's vehicle were punctured by metal barbs on the tire-deflation device, forcing her to pull her disabled vehicle over to the side of the road. It was at that point that the routine stop took a bizarre turn.

"Well, she got out of her car on her own and she had on just a white thong and a fishnet top that was completely see-through," Bokovitz said. He added, "She was obviously under the influence."

"She was not very forthcoming on where she was coming from, what she was doing or why she was dressed the way she was," Bokovitz said.

Holdsworth allegedly refused to submit to a blood alcohol test, and Bokovitz said she appeared to be too inebriated for officers to conduct a field sobriety test with her. "She was so unsure on her feet that she probably would have fell and hurt herself," the chief said.

Despite refusing the test, Holdsworth was compliant with the arresting officer. It was not until they got her in the back of the patrol car that the stoic female allegedly became agitated, according to police.

Police footage of the arrest shows what appears to be an enraged and near-naked Holdsworth attempting to break out windows in the police cruiser. Bokovitz said Holdsworth "kicked and beat her head on the glass and everything."

Holdsworth was eventually brought under control and charged in Chardon Municipal Court with one count each of operating a vehicle while intoxicated, refusing a blood alcohol content test, fleeing and eluding, criminal damaging, driving under a suspended license, speeding and reckless operation.

Authorities did not file any charges in regard to Bokovitz's revealing clothing -- or the apparent lack thereof.

"In the state of Ohio [public nudity] has to be a willful wanton act, which in this case she wasn't really walking around or displaying herself to the public," Bokovitz said.

Holdsworth pleaded not guilty to all of the charges. She has since been freed from the Geauga County Safety Center. Holdsworth is due back in court on November 2. Attempts to reach Holdsworth were unsuccessful and it is unclear whether she has an attorney.

"It is a unique case," Bokovitz said. "We don't know where she was in the state of dress she was in. It is kind of weird but you see a lot of stuff out here doing this job."

VIDEO: Doll Baby cries in the night, saves family from fire

A toy doll that was part of a project to give teens a realistic look at parenting woke up 17-year-old Christian Deason just as a fire was destroying the family home.

The doll is programmed to cry at different times of the day and night, just like a newborn baby.

Deason's teacher had programmed the doll Friday before school let out for the weekend.

Deason brought the doll home not knowing when it was programmed to cry.

At 3:30 a.m. Oct. 24 the baby doll began to cry, waking Deason up just as the fire was eating its way through her La Vergne, Tennessee house.

Deason immediately got everyone out of the house.

"It was a big white wall of smoke, I fanned it for a second, and I see flames. I ran straight to my mothers room got her out, got my dog out, put the toy baby in the carrier, and we were out," said Deason.

La Vergne Fire Marshall Victor Woods said the fire detectors in the house were not working and the family had only about a minute to get out of the house.

"The toy doll crying was really the key to getting them out safely," said Woods.

Marina Deason, Christian Deason's mother, believes fate may have played a hand in the teacher setting the program for the doll to cry at 3:30 a.m.

"I think God works in mysterious ways, definitely fate had something to do with it," said Marina Deason.

"I was suppose to get this baby, I was suppose to take it home, everything was suppose to happen the way it happened," said Christian Deason.

VIDEO: Raw Cockpit Footage Taken During A Blue Angels Airshow

VIDEO: Most Beautiful Car Sounds Ever! Exotics Singing!

VIDEO: LMAO..Listen to these Announcers..whahahhaa

JOKE: Penny, Brandy And ...

Three pastors and their wives were driving back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward. Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher and said sharply, "You hypocrite! All you ever cared about in your life was money! You've preached many times, 'Money is evil, money won't buy you happiness, money this, money that.' Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named Penny, isn't that so?" he demanded.

Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes sir, that's true."

"Well, you did preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you know where, but you don't get to come in the front gate. You have to walk all the way around heaven and enter in the back door. Off you go!"

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor and yelled, "And you! All you ever talked and cared about was alcohol! You often preached. "The bottle this, the bottle that." Yet, you've been drunk nearly every time you've preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named Brandy, isn't that so?" he accused.

The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you also preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But you don't get to come in the front gate either. You have to walk all the way around heaven and enter the back door. Off with you!"

And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And you! " St. Peter began.

The third pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walking, Fanny."

GOT CAPTION? 10/27

GOT CAPTION? 10/27 v.2.0

VIDEO: Beluga Whale Hug

VIDEO: Toy Goat..Toy Goat

VIDEO: Charley the Cat

Charley is an amazing cat with cerebellar hypoplasia.

VIDEO: Lovely..10 Things I learned About Mountainbiking

*Winner of the Audience Award at the International Cycling Film Festival 2011*

10 Things I have learned about Mountainbiking from Filme von Draussen on Vimeo.

VIDEO: Kitten plays with an iPad

JOKE: These Things My Father Said

A couple had marital problems so they visited a counselor who first spoke to the wife alone. "You've been married twenty years; what's the problem?"

She replied, "My husband drives me crazy! Whenever we go out, he stares at the floor and refuses to go near anyone else. And, he picks his nose, even in public. And, when we make love, he never lets me be on top! Just once, I want to be in control!"

The counselor said, "Thank you. Now I'll speak with your husband."

The husband entered and sat down. "Your wife says you're driving her crazy." The husband looked shocked.

"What?! For twenty years, I've been loving and considerate and given her what she wanted! What's her problem?" The counselor related her complaints. The husband looked concerned.

"These are things my father told me on his death bed and I swore I'd obey him."

"Exactly what did your father say?"

"He said I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor said, "Actually, that means that you shouldn't do anything that would anger another."

The husband looked sheepish. "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continued, "What about picking your nose?"

"My father told me to keep my nose clean."

"No, that meant you shouldn't indulge in criminal behavior."

"Oh." The husband felt dumb.

"But why won't you allow your wife to be on top during lovemaking?"

The husband looked serious. "That was the last thing my father told me on his deathbed."

"Exactly what did he say?"

"With his dying breath, he told me, 'Don't screw up'!"

GOT CAPTION? 10/26

GOT CAPTION? 10/26 v.2.0

Indiana man, 87, nabbed with 228 pounds of cocaine

An 87-year-old Indiana man was arraigned on drug charges in federal court in Detroit on Monday after police found 228 pounds of cocaine worth an estimated $2.9 million in his pickup following a routine traffic stop.

A state trooper patrolling Interstate 94 near Ann Arbor pulled over Leo Earl Sharp on Friday for following too closely and executing an improper lane change, according to a complaint filed in U.S. District Court.

When the trooper asked Sharp if he could search the truck, the octogenarian refused. So the trooper requested a backup unit with a dog trained to detect bombs and illegal drugs.

As the animal walked around the rear of Sharp's truck, it alerted to the possible presence of narcotics, the complaint said. During a subsequent search of the truck bed, troopers found 104 bricks of cocaine stashed in five bags.

U.S. Magistrate Judge Mark Randon released Sharp, of Michigan City, Indiana, on $10,000 bond on Monday and scheduled a next hearing in the case for November.

Sharp was charged with conspiracy and possession with intent to distribute cocaine. If convicted, he faces at least 10 years in prison.

VIDEO: Two black bear cubs climbing on hammock

JOKE: PUT OUT OR GET OUT

A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk." The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.

The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says "I'll walk." And she does.

The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for. Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game. She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."

GOT CAPTION? 10/25

GOT CAPTION? 10/25 v.2.0

VIDEO: Watch Godzilla go singing in the rain .. Nissan GT-R All Wheel Drive Supercar

If you were at a drift track when the rain started to fall and still had the keys to a Nissan GT-R, wouldn't you take it out for a few laps? Although we might turn down the soundtrack once Axl Rose starts crooning "November Rain."

VIDEO: Watch rock-bouncing buggies eat hills for breakfast, cliffs for lunch

Watch rock-bouncing buggies eat hills for breakfast, cliffs for lunch

Tim Cameron has built a following in the rock bouncing world not just for driving ability but for his building skills, combining 700-hp V8s and four-wheel-steering chassis into ultimate offroaders. This clip shows how the next generation may be unstoppable.

Built from 200 feet of tubular steel, 43-inch wheels and a GM 454, Cameron's Showtime buggy shows how suspension design can give a rockbouncer those few extra inches that spell the difference between forward motion and turning into an expensive roly-poly. The only thing missing? Something to pad the space between that thick tubular steel and the driver's brainpan.

PRANK VIDEO: Mayonaisse Ice Cream

VIDEO: Biker Helps a Calf Out of a Canal

A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.

Switched at Birth Girls Want to Stay With Wrong Moms

A pair of 12-year-old girls who discovered they were accidentally switched at birth want to stay with the mothers who have been raising them rather than go to their real parents.

The girls have grown up just a few miles away from each other in the town of Kopeisk in the Ural Mountains of eastern Russia.

Their mothers gave birth in the same maternity ward just 15 minutes apart in 1999, and their infant daughters were inadvertently given the wrong name tags.

Their true identities were revealed after the ex-husband of Yuliya Belyaeva, one of the mothers, refused to pay for child care because his daughter, Irina, looked nothing like him. After conducting several DNA tests it emerged that neither adult was Irina's biological parent.

"The judge couldn't believe it," Belyaeva told the BBC. "She said she'd only seen cases like this on TV and didn't know what to advise us."

The DNA tests sent Belyaeva on a search for her own daughter. She remembered that when she was giving birth, another woman was also in labor in the same ward. She suspected that the maternity ward had mixed up their daughters.

"I made a photocopy of the DNA test results and went straight to the prosecutor's office. There I lodged an official complaint about being given the wrong baby in the maternity hospital," Yuliya said.

Yuliya finally took her search to the local police who managed to trace her biological daughter living just a few miles away with Irina's natural parents.

"It was true," Yuliya remembered. "Their daughter, Anya, was blond and looked just like me and my ex-husband. And our daughter was dark-skinned and had dark hair and looked like the other father. He's a Tajik, and she looked just like him."

"Suddenly my whole world turned upside down and inside out,'' she recalled.

While the girls admit that they were happy to have found each other, neither one wants to leave the family they grew up with even though they are not their biological parents.

"It's terrible for both of them," Yuliya told the BBC. "They've grown up with one set of parents, now they've found out they have a different mother and father. Neither child wants to leave their home. Irina keeps saying to me: 'Mum, please don't give me away!' I comfort her by saying: 'I would never do anything against your wishes. Nothing has changed. I'm still your mother.''

While both families are getting to know each other and are becoming closer, they're suing the hospital and demanding almost $160,000 in damages.

Stories of babies being switched at birth are rare. In 1953, a mix up occurred at Pioneer Memorial Hospital in Heppner, Ore. It was only years later, in May 2009, that the now 56-year- old women discovered they were switched as babies.

DeeAnn Angell of Fossil and Kay Rene Reed of Condon learned about the mistake from an 86-year-old woman who was a former neighbor.

The former neighbor said that one of the girls' mothers, Marjorie Angell, insisted back in 1953 that she had been given the wrong baby after nurses returned from bathing them. Her concerns were ignored. With both sets of parents dead, the Reed and Angell siblings compared notes and family stories, learning that rumors of a mix-up had been around for years. Kay Rene Reed decided to get their DNA tested, and that confirmed the mistake.

They both say they just have to move forward with their lives now, and they celebrated their latest birthday together.

VIDEO: Funny Compilation

VIDEO: PEOPLE ARE AWESOME

VIDEO: Father And Son Parkour Team

Future, Past & Present - Gerard Trueba, Cesar Cañas & Toni Bou on pinkbike.com

VIDEO: Arctic Fox Playing Fetch

Drunken Catholic priest busted driving with .341 alcohol reading

A drunken Catholic priest arrested by Australian police for drink-driving has returned one of the highest blood-alcohol readings ever recorded in New South Wales. Father Peter Jones, 58, a priest at St Patrick's Parish in South Grafton, blew a staggering 0.341 after he was stopped by police criss-crossing lanes on the Pacific Highway. A worried motorist travelling behind the priest's white Toyota Camry saw him allegedly crossing lanes as he travelled north around 1.15pm on Wednesday at Harwood, on the state's north coast.

When he was stopped, officers subjected the priest to a breath-test which allegedly returned an off-the-chart reading of "+.5" - the highest possible reading the breathalyser can handle. Taken back to nearby Maclean police station, the priest allegedly returned a 0.341 reading. While police do not record individual figures on drink-drive readings, a senior police source confirmed it was one of the highest blood-alcohol levels allegedly recorded in recent times.

The legal limit for all drivers in NSW(New South Wales) is 0.05, which can be reached after approximately two standards drinks for men, and one standard drink for women, in the first hour. When contacted on Friday, Father Jones, who earlier this year underwent a life-saving triple heart bypass, said his job was safe and that he was receiving counselling over the matter. Due to his state, Fr Jones was bailed into the custody of another priest, Father Rex Hackett, before being transported home.

Fr Jones was issued with a future court attendance notice and has been ordered to appear at Maclean Local Court on December 13. The car, which is understood to belong to the Catholic church, has been confiscated by police. Drug and alcohol educator Paul Dillon said a reading of that magnitude was potentially life-threatening. "I would imagine, the person with a level like that wouldn't actually expect them to survive." Mr Dillon added that to reach a reading above .3 would require sustained and prolonged drinking of hard liquor.

"Generally speaking it would be very hard to imagine someone could get to a level about 0.3 with beer, which is between three to five per cent alcohol," he said. "You really would be looking at significant amounts of spirits, which are 35 to 50 per cent alcohol - over a period of time."

VIDEO: Synchronized Chimps Walking

A pair of chimps doing a weird synchronized walking routine. There are several videos of these two chimpanzees from the St. Louis Zoo doing their funny conga line thing

VIDEO: Traffic Light Cat

Parking Lot Sex Scandal goes Viral: 71-year-old woman busted for having sex in the back of a car

You thought after your 18th birthday you'd grown out of having sex in the back of the car. Not so for 71-year-old senior citizen Rita Daniels who was arrested for getting it on in the back of her Buick with a guy she picked up at a bar in Farmington, Michigan.

Yes, it appears that Daniels and her 54-year-old boytoy Tim Adams met over drinks and decided to go screw in the back of Daniels' car (whose license plate reads "DIVA 145") in the parking lot of a restaurant in the middle of the day. Someone called the cops who found the car a-rocking and they came a-knocking on the steamy windows. When they asked Adams what he was doing he said, "I'm fucking this chick." Oh man, all the details of this story just get better and better. They were both arrested for indecent exposure and public drunkenness and taken to jail. Hopefully Daniels behaved like a real diva and threw a fit or two (or at least hit on the guards) before being set free.

VIDEO: what the........?

JOKE: the Las Vegas Hooker

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout lady of the evening catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the lady of the evening, "How much?"

Lady of the evening replies, "It starts at $500 for manual manipulation."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For manual manipulation! No manual manipulation is worth that kind of money!"

The lady of the evening says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the lady of the evening, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give manual manipulation that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the best manual manipulation of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose oral manipulation is $1,000?"

The lady of the evening replies, "$1,500."

"$1,500? No oral manipulation could be worth that".

The lady of the evening replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give oral manipulation that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific manual manipulation, says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the lady of the evening, "How much for conventional coupling?"

The lady of the evening says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the lady of the evening replies, "but I would if I were a female."

GOT CAPTION? 10/24

GOT CAPTION? 10/24 v.2.0

VIDEO: Cat Door Bell

GOT CAPTION? 10/23

GOT CAPTION? 10/23 v.2.0

VIDEO: Life of flowers

Life of flowers from VOROBYOFF PRODUCTION on Vimeo.

VIDEO: Crazy Fast Hand Cake Lady

VIDEO: Wall Of Wine Crashes At Wisconsin Liquor Store

This is one of those things you really may need to see to believe -- a wine avalanche.

A surveillance camera was rolling when an entire wall of wine bottles gave way at Superior Discount Liquor.

About 7,000 bottles of wine streamed across the floor.

"It just kept rolling away from the wall from front to back, and I was in disbelief. I didn't know what to do or say. The whole thing only took 10 seconds," said Peter Guske of Superior Discount Liquor.

The crash happened over the summer, but the video was just released.

How do you clean up a flood of red wine? It was all hands on deck with snow shovels, shop vacuums and floor scrubbers.

VIDEO: Crazy Cat

VIDEO: Zombie..dispatched

VIDEO: OMG puppy phobia

VIDEO: OMG donkey is in love

JOKE: The New Salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"  The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.  After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".  The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".  The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."  The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"  The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

GOT CAPTION? 10/22

GOT CAPTION? 10/22 v.2.0

VIDEO: Man Eats 32 Eggs in One Minute

The worst athlete ever - 110m hurdles

JOKE: Joe's Problem

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought

medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I

can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything tolive for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

GOT CAPTION? 10/21