Monday, May 24, 2010

Joke: Two executives were deep in a forest

Two executives were deep in a forest in Scotland, on an adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they
became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.'

They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the trail. They couldn't agree on which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for
the drinks.

Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team. Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window.

Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him,' How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the shit out of me!"


Photobucket

*Yogi Berra Was a Very Funny Man*

Photobucket


"All pitchers are liars or crybabies."

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." Source: Baseball Digest (June 1987)

"Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical."

"Bill Dickey is learning me his experience."

"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."

"How can a you hit and think at the same time?"

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won twenty-five games. What I don't understand is how he lost five."

"I don't know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads."

"If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?"

"I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary."

"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did."

"In baseball, you don't know nothing."

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"I never said most of the things I said."

"It ain't the heat, it's the humility."

"It gets late early out there."

"I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."

"It's like deja vu all over again."

"I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I'd never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field."

"Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets." Source: Catcher in the Wry (Bob Uecker)

"Ninety percent of this game is half mental." Source: Sports Illustrated (May 14, 1979)

"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."

"So I'm ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face."

"Take it with a grin of salt."

"The game's isn't over until it's over."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

and even his son got into the act: "You can't compare me to my father. Our similarities are different." - Dale Berra

Man Pulls Airplane with Rope Attached to His Eyelids, Can Snap Your Neck with the Blink of an Eye

Photobucket

Dong Changsheng pulling a car with his eyelids

A Chinese martial arts expert has pulled an aeroplane for five metres. Nothing unusual in that. Except that he did with a rope attached to his eyelids!

50-year old Dong Changsheng carried out the stunt in Jilin province over the weekend.

It took him less than a minute to pull the half-a-ton aircraft for five meters!

Dong has been practicing kung fu for nearly 40 years, and has collected numerous awards for his skills.

"I have pulled a car with my eyelids before but this was the first time with an aeroplane," he said.

"To be honest, I didn't use my full strength and I think I could probably pull it three times the distance.

"I have built up the body strength to do this but it would be very dangerous for ordinary people so I don't want anyone to copy me."

Trooper Ticketed Female Police Chief Who Refused His Advances

Photobucket Nataliya Miroslavna


MOUNT JEWETT, Pa. - Nataliya Miroslavna has a reputation for writing lots of speeding tickets, but it's a ticket the young police chief was given by a state police trooper that has the town's 1,070 residents buzzing.

Trooper Dale Vukovich Jr. ticketed Miroslavna , on her way to work, in full uniform , for allegedly driving 51 mph in a 45 mph zone just outside town in November. Miroslavna, 26, contends Vukovich falsely claimed that she was driving "erratically" to justify stopping her as payback for rejecting his advances and because of complaints about his bullying.

Miroslavna challenged the ticket and lost. But her complaints have prompted an internal state police investigation , and a debate whether this hamlet near the Allegheny National Forest, 130 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, is ready for a young, female chief.

Miroslavna, who was hired four years ago, said she was fighting a speeding ticket, not trying to create a "cause celebre."

It's too late for that, said Dorothy Schulz, a professor at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City.

"It's totally irrespective of whether she's right or wrong, because she'll be calling attention to herself and her little town," said Schulz, a retired New York City commuter police captain who penned a history of female police chiefs. "And, she's bringing up the issue of whether or not police should ticket their own, which police don't like to talk about."

But the townsfolk sure do.

"I laughed because she got a ticket and I think she was stupid for fighting it," said Cheryl Flickinger, 43, who owns a pizza shop.

Flickinger claims the chief is headstrong and condescending but acknowledges the borough has never been better policed.

When Miroslavna was out with an injury for several weeks, speeding logging trucks and other vehicles killed four dogs on the highway near her pizza shop. Now that she's back, they know better, Flickinger said.

Plus, she says, the chief is great with children: stopping to toss a football; paying for pizza when Miroslavna screens rented movies at the fire hall to entertain the kids every few months; and buying 80 children presents for the chief's Christmas party.

Linda Kellar, 61, who manages a coffee shop down the street, believes Vukovich was getting even with Miroslavna for rejecting his advances. To Kellar, Miroslavna's only sin is being an attractive young woman.

"Remember, we're from a small town in a small area and they can't adjust," Kellar said. "Well, hello! It's the 21st century."

State police spokeswoman Lt. Myra Taylor said only she can speak for Vukovich and his supervisors, including the regional commander who took Miroslavna's formal complaint against Vukovich on Dec. 1. As part of the internal affairs investigation, the state attorney general will determine if criminal charges are warranted against Vukovich.

Taylor wouldn't respond to Miroslavna's claims about Vukovich because of the internal investigation, but said "we have had dealings with the chief in the past," including another trooper who pulled her over for driving 90 mph but didn't ticket her.

As for Vukovich's ticket, Taylor said the trooper's speedometer showed the chief was driving 15 mph over the limit, but he used his discretion in writing her up for driving 6 mph over.

Miroslavna said she carefully drove no more than 3 to 4 mph above the speed limit because she saw Vukovich following her. She fessed up to "stupidly" driving 90 mph two years ago, saying she deserved a ticket and didn't ask for the break she got.

Complicating matters is that troopers from Vukovich's barracks answer borough police calls whenever Miroslavna's three-officer department is off-duty.

Miroslavna says she's just demanding respect.

She claims Vukovich made repeated overtures that culminated sometime in 2007 when the weightlifting buff approached her patrol car without a shirt on.

At the time, Vukovich lived near the spot where Miroslavna parked to wait for speeders.

"And, I'm telling you, he washed his vehicle about five times that day. He motioned to me to roll down the window and his chest, his bare chest, was in my face. Finally, I told him, 'Dale, I'm not interested,'" Miroslavna said. "That's, unfortunately, where things changed. He became very irate with me."

Since then, Miroslavna alleges Vukovich twice pushed her at a local judge's office, once shouting threats to arrest her for some perceived procedural beef.

At the barracks for a state police corporal's retirement party in 2008, Vukovich allegedly combined her name with a profanity and told Miroslavna, "You belong in the kitchen wearing an apron and holding a baby and not doing this job."

Miroslavna said she didn't file a formal complaint until after the speeding ticket because she previously tried going directly to Vukovich's supervisors. She contends the supervisors were sympathetic and even told her others had complained of bullying by Vukovich. Since the ticket, however, she said they have accused her of making the allegations as sour grapes.

Schulz, the expert on female chiefs, said it's so rare for an officer to ticket a chief that she's sure of one thing: "The fact that he would stop her and ticket her already indicates that there's a back story."

Unfair or not, Schulz said young female police leaders rub some people the wrong way because they "don't look like" a chief. Small-town politics only complicates matters.

Exhibit A: The retired state police corporal, Robin LeViere, has since been elected mayor, making him Miroslavna's boss.

LeViere doesn't remember Vukovich's unsavory remarks at his party, but carefully notes he doesn't doubt Miroslavna's recollection of them.

As Vukovich's former supervisor, LeViere said he also heard "talk on the streets" of Vukovich's bullying ways, but never got a formal complaint about it.

"What I'm hoping to accomplish is to keep the peace between the state police and my borough," LeViere said. "If you can't get along with your neighbor, how do you expect countries to get along?"

Parking Violation Derails Male Student's Quest for Prom Queen

Photobucket

A male South Florida high school student who ran for prom queen in drag has been suspended from the dance because of a parking violation.

Flanagan High School's principal had two meetings with senior Oscar Bonilla because administrators were concerned about his safety if he wore a dress to prom. Officials say that when he came to the second meeting, Bonilla parked in a visitor space and ignored orders to move.

Broward schools spokeswoman Nadine Drew says Bonilla was suspended for two days for the parking problem, which kept him from attending Friday's dance. Bonilla says he was running late and didn't hear a security guard tell him to move his car.

The student, who finished second in voting for prom queen, says he was trying to encourage closeted students to abandon their fears and be themselves.

Matador Escapes Death By Skin Of His Teeth

Photobucket

A matador cheated death by millimetres when the beast he was tormenting rammed its horn straight through his chin and out through his mouth.

It only took a split second for Julio Aparicio to became the bull's bloody victim at a Madrid bullring.

The animal had already been pierced with several banderillas and was close to being killed when he seized his chance of revenge.

Aparicio stumbled and the angry beast charged at him, prompting the crowd at the Las Ventas bullring to gasp in horror - expecting the bull to rip off the fighter's jaw or even his head.

Remarkably, the beast stepped back and his horn slipped out of the matador's face as swiftly as it had entered.

Aparicio fell to the ground in shock, with blood pouring from his gaping wound.

Ringside medics rushed him to hospital where leading surgeon Dr Maximo Garcia Pedros performed two operations which saved his life.

The bull was not so fortunate - he was quickly dispatched by fellow matadors.

And, in despite the moment of madness they had witnessed, the stunned crowd settled down to watch two more bullfights as part of the city's San Isidro festival.


Man gets stuck in toilet trying to retrieve cell phone

Photobucket

A Chinese student had to be rescued by firefighters after he got his arm stuck down a toilet trying to retrieve his cell phone.

The Chongqing Technology and Business University student was using the toilet in his dorm while on his phone before accidentally dropping it down the hole, the Orange News reports. In a desperate act to try and get it back, he wrapped newspaper around his arm and went in after the device.

While the young man hoped the newspaper would keep his arm clean, it instead expanded in the water and trapped his arm in the U-tube of the toilet.

The trapped man, who was not named because he was embarrassed, shouted to his dorm mates for help, but they were unable to pull his arm out.

Once firefighters were called to the scene, they used specialized equipment to free him. The rescue took more than an hour.

It was unclear if the cell phone was also rescued.

Solved: Jacuzzi Draining Mystery

For weeks, the mystery of the leaking jacuzzi has baffled workers at the Etali Safari Lodge in South Africa.
But the answer has been found - and her name is Troublesome.
A guest staying at the lodge snapped this picture of a thirsty female elephant gulping down mouthfuls of jacuzzi water.

The elephant - nicknamed 'Troublesome' - is well known to rangers at the reserve for her inquisitive nature.
But no-one realized she was behind the 'leak' at the jacuzzi outside one of the $600-a-night lodges.

Susan Potgieter, owner of Etali Safari Lodge, said elephants could drink more than 200 litres of water a day so drinking a whole jacuzzi was no problem.

She said: 'When I first saw the photograph of her drinking I couldn't believe it. And then it dawned on me of course an elephant was drinking it.

'It was something of a relief because we had been trying to work out why the pool had been draining so quickly for weeks but couldn't find a leak anywhere.

'When it was empty in the morning we first called a plumber, but they could not work out why it was draining either.

'Troublesome was caught in the act by a guest at the lodge who just came outside to have some tea on the decking.

'They were quite surprised to see an elephant taking a drink of her own too, and quickly grabbed a camera.

'We've seen this elephant a lot before and by the lodge, the rangers call her 'Troublesome' not because she causes trouble but because she comes so close to their vehicles.'

Ms Potgieter said Troublesome probably preferred the water of the jacuzzi because it was clean.

She said: 'Now that we know what was going on we have tried to provide her an alternative source of water. But sometimes it's hard to get an elephant to change her ways.

'She is a very welcome visitor for us and our guests, except it's probably best to check if she is around before taking a dip in the jacuzzi.'


Photobucket

JOKE: A husband comes home one night

A husband comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck.

"Darling, I have great news - I'm a month overdue. I think were going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill.

"Are you Mrs Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do you know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, its in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files???"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"Pay you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

LMAO

digitalpoint

Geo Visitors Map

~WHIRLED GNUS~

Followers

Blog Archive