Tuesday, January 3, 2012

JOKE: The Beautiful Butt


There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll.

He brought her back to the States and they were very happy.

He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had. Every day it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have." Every night it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have."

Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, "Beautiful Butt."

So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, "There is no way I can get "Beautiful Butt" on your tiny little beautiful butt." But I can put a nice "B" on each cheek which will stand for "Beautiful Butt."

A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B's.

Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

Quickly sitting up he exclaims, "Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?"


Salma Hayek knighted in France; Controversy and comedy follow


If one of Salma Hayek's New Year's resolutions was to get knighted, she can knock this item off her list. On Jan. 1, the actress was named a Knight of the Legion of Honor by French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

This completely strange news doesn't come without a bit of controversy either. Hayek's husband, Francois-Henri Pinault, is the billionaire CEO of PPR, the French company that owns Gucci and Yves St. Laurent. Some believe that Sarkozy is knighting Hayek entirely for political reasons.

Napoleon Bonaparte created the merit award in 1802 to honor military and civilian service in France. The actual knighting ceremony won't be until later this year.

Hayek's award is certainly going to be fodder for the late night talk show circuit. But even in advance of that, comics are already weighing in.

Comedienne Kathy Griffin writes on Twitter, "Just heard Salma Hayek will get a knighthood from France. Not sure if it's going 2 her left breast or right breast."

VIDEO: Massachusetts Lt. Gov Was Driving 108 MPH Asleep Without Seatbelt Before Crash

Massachusetts State Police have concluded that Lieutenant Governor Timothy P. Murray was probably asleep at the wheel when he crashed a Ford Crown Victoria while going over 100 mph. Although he was not wearing a seatbelt, he amazingly escaped injury.

Although the accident was initially blamed on icy conditions, and police declined to state a definitive cause for the crash, further analysis supports the theory that Murray had fallen asleep. The onboard "black box" data recorder from the state-owned Crown Vic indicated that Murray gradually accelerated from about 75 to 108 mph immediately before the crash occurred around 5:30 AM on November 2, and slid off the road without corrective actions. The car drove into a rock ledge at 92 mph and and flipped twice.

Murray was issued a $555 ticket but will not face further charges. By any reasonable standard he got off lucky; driving drowsy and unbelted is all but asking for a world of pain or a quick death.

Cop fired for driving 143 mph while drunk wants job back


In a late bid for 2011's award for Most Brazen Act of Chutzpah, a Denver cop who was kicked off the force for doing 143 mph in a 55 zone while intoxicated is appealing his dismissal on grounds that the penalty was too harsh.

Derrick Curtis Saunders was arrested on June 17, 2010, for his high-speed run caught by a Colorado State trooper in Arapahoe County. As if doing eighty-eight over the limit (at night, in a friend's car, with a passenger) wasn't bad enough, he blew a 0.089 blood-alcohol level; Colorado's legal limit is 0.08.

Saunders plead guilty to reckless and impaired driving charges, served a five-day jail sentence, paid a fine, did a hundred hours of community service, and was fired by Manager of Safety Alex Martinez on December 7. He is now contesting that termination.

The appeal has been filed by the Denver Police Protective Association, and claims that the pink slip is, in part, "disproportionate to the offenses alleged and/or is excessive so as to be punitive rather than corrective in nature."

Keep in mind that in 2009, Saunders was also charged with, tried and acquitted of waving his gun at the counter crew at a McDonald's after he allegedly grew impatient waiting for his order.

So, you know, there's that too.

VIDEO: 41-Car Pileup Closes Snowy Kentucky Highway

A snowstorm caused a 41-car pileup on a Kentucky highway Monday that sent six people with injuries to hospitals.

Cars were sliding on the slippery interstate road near Dry Ridge and drivers complained that they didn't have much visibility on Monday afternoon when the crippling chain reaction occurred, The Courier-Journal reports.

Witnesses said the first car flipped in the snow and another vehicle soon slammed into it, starting a series of unavoidable smashes that tangled the highway. Cars were spun sideways and came to a halt on the side of the road.

Officials shut Interstate 75 to clear the roadway for several hours. A commuter bus from Northern Kentucky was sent to transport people who's car were badly damaged, according to NKY.com. Police said 23 vehicles were towed from the pileup, according to WDRB..

Some reports said as many eight people were treated for non-life threatening injuries, The Associated Press says.

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