Thursday, February 4, 2010

JOKE: Animal Kingdom Super Bowl

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The animal kingdom decided to hold its own Super Bowl, with the big animals against the little animals. As expected, by halftime the big animals were crushing the little animals, so the smalls' coach made a passionate speech to rally them.

At the start of the second half, when the big animals got the ball, the elephant was stopped for no gain. On the second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. And on third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. Coach was ecstatic!

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The team huddled around him as he asked, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "That was me, too," said the centipede. "And who hit that hippo for a loss?" "Me, coach!" said the centipede. "So where were you the first half?" asked the coach. The centipede replied, "Getting my ankles taped!" Photobucket

JOKE: the Injured Linebacker

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The linebacker down, the team physician raced to his side. "Doc, check my leg. Something's wrong. Put your ear to my thigh. You'll hear it."

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear a small voice say, "Gimme twenty bucks. I need twenty bucks."

"That's weird," exclaimed the doctor.

"That's nothing, Doc. Listen to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard, "Man, I really need fifty bucks. Lend me fifty bucks!"

The doctor was dumbfounded. "I don't know what to say. In all my years of practice, I've never come across anything like this."

"Doc, that's not all. There's more. Listen to my ankle." The doctor did so and heard his ankle plea, "Please, I gotta get a hundred bucks. A hundred bucks. Now!" The doctor smiled.

"Ah, now I understand. Based on my previous experience, it's obvious: your leg is broke in three places!"

JOKE: HIT THE QUARTER

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There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.

She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.

The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while.

This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel.

The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date.

After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.

The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him.

She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private parts and attached was a quarter. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new husband.

A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed off to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..."

Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..."

Cops Seek Bold Melon Felons

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Attempt to smuggle drugs into jail inside cantaloupe foiled

An attempt to smuggle contraband into a Washington jail failed this week when law enforcement officials discovered Oxycodone pills and tobacco hidden inside a hollowed-out cantaloupe.

The melon was included among surplus food items that were intended for use at the Chelan County Regional Justice Center (the cantaloupe had been left at a drop-off point by two unidentified young female donors).

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Jailers quickly alerted to the cantaloupe, which appeared to have been cut open at its top. As seen in the police evidence photos on the following pages, the fruit was found to contain a dozen tobacco packets, rolling paper, loose tobacco, and several pills of Oxycodone, the powerful painkiller. Wenatchee Police Department investigators are probing the bid to smuggle the items into the jail, which houses about 300 inmates and is a tobacco-free institution.

How a Girl Without a Vagina Became Pregnant Through Oral Sex

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A strange tale of oral sex, a knife fight and the most unlikely of pregnancies recently brought to light by the blogosphere has doctors touting the triumphant persistence of sperm.

A woman with a birth defect that left her without a vagina still got pregnant after she was stabbed shortly following oral sex with her partner. Doctors say the bittersweet story shows the incredible survival of sperm.

In 1988, a 15-year-old girl living in the small southern African nation of Lesotho came to local doctors with all the symptoms of a woman in labor. But the doctors were quickly puzzled because, upon examination, she didn't have a vagina.

"Inspection of the vulva showed no vagina, only a shallow skin dimple," so doctors delivered a healthy baby boy via Caesarean, the authors wrote in a case report published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology.

Her birth defect -- called Mullerian agenesis or Mayer-Rokitansky-K�ster-Hauser syndrome -- didn't necessarily surprise doctors, but her pregnancy did. Even the 15-year-old girl could not believe she was pregnant.

Yet by looking at her records the hospital staff realized the young woman was in the hospital 278 days earlier with a knife wound to her stomach. The average pregnancy lasts 280 days. After interviews, they gathered that "Just before she was stabbed in the abdomen she had practiced fellatio with her new boyfriend and was caught in the act by her former lover. The fight with knives ensued."

The girl arrived at the hospital with an empty stomach -- and therefore with little stomach acid around -- and doctors found two holes from a stab wound that opened her stomach up to her abdominal cavity. The case report said doctors washed her stomach out with a salt solution and stitched her up.

"A plausible explanation for this pregnancy is that spermatozoa gained access to the reproductive organs via the injured gastrointestinal tract," the authors wrote.

Infertility experts note the story, which resurfaced on a Discovery magazine blog, is not only a testament to Murphy's Law but one to arguably nature's most impressive swimmers: sperm.

"Here's an unbelievable set of coincidences," said Dr. Richard Paulson, head of the University of Southern California Fertility Program in Los Angeles. "But it's totally plausible."

Although doctors know that sperm needs a low acid (high pH) environment to survive, and would likely die eventually in the low pH of stomach acid, doctors also said that sperm comes in a protective fluid: ejaculate, a nourishing medium meant to protect the sperm.

"Sperm are pretty hardy," said Paulson, who pointed out that sperm must make it out of the acidic environment of the vagina before reaching more friendly territory at the cervix and in the uterus. Once in the abdominal wall, Paulson estimated that the sperm could survive for days.

"It's a long way from the stomach into the lower abdomen, it's a heck of a trip, but they made it," said Paulson. "You just need sperm somewhere in the area of an egg."

Paulson said in the early days of fertility treatments in the 1980s, doctors injected sperm in the lower abdomen hoping for the coincidental encounter with an egg. The procedure, called DIPI or direct intraperitoneal insemination, has largely been replaced by more effective methods.

Schlegel pointed out that although fertilization typically takes place in the fallopian tubes, doctors know that sperm can normally swim up and out of the reproductive organs into the abdominal cavity.

"The sperm are naturally there at times, and eggs are naturally there," said Schlegel. "Eggs are released from the ovary, and they sort of dance around before they get taken up by the fallopian tube."

So it seems, Schlegel concluded, that the sperm could also be taken up by the fallopian tube, as could a fertilized egg.

But some doctors are still suspicious of, or at least bewildered by the tale. The girl's birth defect is well known and by age 15, doctors say most girls would have been doubling over in pain with an abdomen filled with menstrual fluid that cannot escape.

The menstrual fluid of several periods would make it even more unlikely for a pregnancy to occur.

"She'd have pain all the time and would have a stomach full of blood all the time, and would have to be operated on, or she would eventually die," said Dr. Sherman J. Silber, director of the infertility center of Saint Louis at St. Luke's Hospital in Missouri.

The authors of the report guessed a pregnancy could only be possible if the girl had ovulated once or at most twice before her pregnancy.

Whatever the true story of the woman, and her now grown son, Silber said it could send a message to ordinary couples planning pregnancy.

Why Doubt the Longevity of Sperm?
"This story is a crazy story, and there's no way to make sense of it," said Silber. "But the data on sperm is that normally it's quite good in an alkaline environment for two or three days -- that's why the average couple wastes a lot of energy when they're trying to get pregnant."

Silber said he sees many couples who buy into the idea that they should time sex to coincide with the woman's ovulation. But Silber said the remarkable survivability of sperm means most couples don't have to change their normal sex lives at all.

"The average American married couple tends to have sex two or three days a week," said Silber, author of "How to Get Pregnant."

If sperm can survive for two or three days, that means the average sex life of an American married couple results in living sperm swimming around the woman's body every single day of the week.

"The practice to check when you ovulate and not to have sex until you're ovulating is stupid," Silber said.

Silber said because ovulation calendars and methods to detect ovulation are somewhat inaccurate, couples could miss ovulation and have sex too late.

"Twelve hours after ovulation, the eggs aren't good any more. You want to have the sperm there ready and waiting for when you ovulated," said Silber. "It's absolutely true that sperm can last a long time."

Childcare.. Chinese style

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Dad Chen Chuanliu has told how he chains his two-year-old son to a tree while he's working because he can't afford a nursery place for him.

The rickshaw cyclist, from the Chinese capital Beijing, decided to put tot Lao Lu under lock and key after his four-year-old daughter Ling went missing last month.

Child snatching is rife in China where strict laws govern the size of families.

"My wife is ill and I can't stop work. So I chain him to a pole when I have a fare. It seems harsh but it is better than losing him," said Chen.

$1,000 Reward Offered for Missing Toy Bears

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We've all heard of people offering big rewards for lost pets. But an Oakland couple is offering a $1,000 reward for two tiny stuffed bears worth $10, over their sentimental value.

Christopher Ferreira is ready to shell out what might be a second mortgage payment to some, for stuffed bears that are now lost. The professional piano player and his girlfriend bought them two years ago in Japan.

To Ferreira, they aren't just any bears. He has photographed the Korilakkuma-style toys, named Number 1 and Number 2, while travelling the world and has made elaborate home movies.

On January 24th, Ferreira said they were dropped accidentally at the AMC Bay Street 16 Theater in Emeryville. Since then he's posted flyers, held up signs and started a website where you can contact him to turn the bears in.

http://wearebearz.com/

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

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It was their way. A real guy's way of saying goodbye to their friend. He was Bob Dubcich. He died in 2007, just days shy of his 60th birthday. "Quiet, gentle guy, a wonderful human being. Good to people," remembers Bob's friend John Hannegan

He was a friend to John Hannegan and Brian Kariya. And half a dozen others who for years have been making regular hunting, and fishing trips together. It was on one such fishing trip out of San Diego, just after Bob's death that the group decided to remember their missing friend. They took a wine bottle, one they had just polished off and placed in it a letter and a picture of Bob they had all signed. Then they tossed it overboard, never really believing they'd see it again.

The fishermen also enclosed a $20 bill to entice the finder to return the bottle's contents. The letter said in part, "This bottle represents Bob Dubcich's final fishing voyage on the EXCEL sport fisher with his friends. Please accept the $20 as a down payment for the safe return of the original signed picture to the address below for a $100 USD reward. This will complete Bob's final journey home." Well the bottle avoided the rocks, ships, and every other hazard for at least ten thousand miles, probably more until a fisherman two and a half years after the bottle was tossed picked it up off the coast of the Philippines and sent its contents back.

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Bob's friend Brian Kariya remembers his thoughts, "You gotta be kidding me that's unbelieveable. That's a long ways away from here." The fisherman sent his picture as well. "It kind of makes you think of the spirit of Bob is still alive," says Hannegan

Hannegan and Kariya know there is a logical, nautical, explanation as to how Bob's bottle got there. They prefer, however, to believe in a mystical one. Hannegan says, "I don't think you should ever negate the fact that there is a spirituality out there and things can happen to you and everything is possible. It's very nice."

A friend, gone but not forgotten, saying thanks for remembering me. "I think Bob kept an eye on it all the way across there. I think he was having a fun time watching that bottle," says Kariya.

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JOKE: An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day

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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through t he door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been? Dinner is cold.... And I'm not reheating it.." And on-and-on-and-on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub.... Pursued by the predictable, sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution, after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

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