Sunday, January 22, 2012

JOKE: Father, it has been one month since my last confession

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
"You are forgiven, my son. Go and say three Hail Mary's." Soon after, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Ah. Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary wearing a short skirt with shiny emerald shoes. Every man's eyes follow her as she sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest keeping her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

And the bug-eyed altar boy replies, "Nah, I think it's more like a reflection off her shoes!"

VIDEO: Man shoots nail into brain keeps working


A suburban Chicago man accidentally shot a 3.25 inch nail into his brain but is recovering after doctors successfully removed it from the center of his brain. Dante Autullo, 34, was in his workshop when a nail gun recoiled near his head.

But he had no idea the nail had entered his brain until the next day, when he began feeling nauseous. Doctors told Mr Autullo that the nail came within millimeters of the area used for motor function. His fiancee, Gail Glaenzer, said that he was in good spirits after the two-hour surgery to remove the nail at Advocate Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn, Illinois.

"He feels good. He moved all his limbs, he's talking normal, he remembers everything," she said. "It's amazing, a miracle." Ms Glaenzer said she had no idea the nail had entered his skull when she cleaned a cut on his forehead. She convinced him to go to the hospital after he felt nauseous for much of Wednesday.

Mr Autullo thought that the nail gun had simply hit his forehead, but realized later that when the gun came in contact with his head, the sensor recognized a flat surface and fired. While there are pain-sensitive nerves on a person's skull, there are none within the brain itself. Hospital spokesman Mike Maggio said the part of the skull that was removed for surgery had to be replaced with a titanium mesh amid worries that it might have been contaminated by the nail.

VIDEO: Yosemite Timelapse HD

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VIDEO: Baby Twins Make Fun Of Dad's Sneeze

Abused Dog Has a Whole New Posh Life Style Surfing and Helping Disabled Children


A young Labrador Retriever made headlines in September in a horrific case of animal abuse. Animal control officers said the dog's owners tried to amputate his hind leg without anesthesia after he was hit by a car.

He runs on his long lanky legs, tail wagging side to side. Onyx is still trying to find his balance. You can call it puppy clumsiness, but look a little closer because this pup isn't fetching waves on all fours.

"He's a whole new dog. You couldn't even imagine that this dog went through what he went through," said Dr. Daniel Slaton, Westlake Village Animal Hospital.

Onyx was found in September, tied to a wooden post with a bloody severed leg. "It literally looked like it had been chopped off with garden shears," continued Slaton.

Onyx's only chance of survival was two hours away. Dr. Daniel Slaton is an orthopedic specialist at Westlake Village Animal Hospital, in a suburb of Los Angeles.

"I remember it distinctly, the night he got here. I didn't think he was going to make it. I thought he was going to pass before I could even go to surgery. He was just so dehydrated, septic, his body was in shock because of the infection on his leg. I had never seen anything like it," he continued.

It has been been five months since Dr. Slaton saved Onyx's life by amputating his hind leg. Slaton fell in love with Onyx and later adopted him.

While Onyx may only have three legs, he is not 'ruffing' it by any means. "It's the biggest rags to riches story you can get for a dog," explained Slaton.

Onyx is living the life of luxury at The Barkley Pet Hotel and Day Spa. He spends his time in doggy day care and taking surfing lessons. "When I first got with him, I thought, a three-legged dog surfing?" said Larry Brambles, Onyx's Surf Dog Handler.

It turns out, Onyx has incredible balance. "He is such a happy dog now, running and jumping and wagging his tail. He just can't wait to get into the water," continued Brambles.

When Onyx isn't preparing to paddle out to sea, the pampered pooch is turning his story of survival into something much bigger. He is training to be a therapy dog so he can be a companion for people with disabilities.

"We thought he would be a good story for kids who have lost limbs and are handicapped. There is a brighter side and you can actually live and have a good quality of life," explained Slaton.

The man who Animal Control officers say amputated Onyx's leg took a plea deal in court. Alberto Castenada was sentenced to one year in jail.

Onyx has his own Facebook page. You can follow him and track his progress at:

Video: Bird Steals Show During Bluegrass Festival

A bird landed on the guitar of bluegrass musician Josh Williams while he was singing at the Doyle Lawson Bluegrass Festival in Denton, North Carolina. Williams kept his cool and finished his performance as the little song-bird sat on his guitar allowing him to pet it.


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