Sunday, June 3, 2012

JOKE: Bill the Hunter

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or we have sex. Bill bends over for the bear.

He's sore for two days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, That was a big mistake. You've got two choices, Either I maul you to death or we have sex. Bill bends over.

He survives, but he's really,really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover. He's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?

JOKE: How Paddy Stole The Rope

There was once two Irish laboring men; to England they came over; They tramped about in search of work from Liverpool to Dover. Says Pat to Mick, "I'm tired of this; we're both left in the lurch; And if we don't get work, bedad, I'll go and rob a church." "What, rob a church" says Mick to Pat; "How dare you be so vile? There's something sure to happen as you're treading down the aisle. But if you go I'll go with you; we'll get out safe, I hope;" So, if you'll listen, I'll tell you here how Paddy stole the rope.  So off they went with theft intent, the place they wanted finding; They broke into a country church which nobody was minding. They scraped together all they could and then prepared to slope, When Paddy cries out, 'Hold on, Mick, what shall we do for rope? We've got no bag to hold the swag, and e'er we get outside, With something stout and strong, my lad, the bundle must be tied." Just then he spies the old church bell, and quick as an antelope, He scrambled up the belfry high to try and steal a rope.  Now when Paddy up the belfry got, 'Ah-hah, bedad, but stop; To get a piece that's long enough, I must climb to the top." So, like a sailor, up he went, and near the top, says he, "I think the piece that's underneath quite long enough will be." So, holding by one arm and leg, he drew his clasp knife out, And right above his big fat head he cut the rope so stout. He quite forgot it held him up, and, by the Holy Pope, Down to the bottom of the church fell Paddy and the rope.  'Come out of that," says Mick to Pat, as he lay there a groanin', 'If that's the way you cut a rope, no wonder now your moaning. I'll show you how to cut a rope, so just lend me the knife." "Be very careful,," cries out Pat, "or else you'll lose your life." He clambered up the other rope, and, like an artful thief, Instead of cutting it above, he cut it underneath. The piece fell down and left poor Mick alone up there to cope; Says he, "Bad luck unto the day when we came stealing rope.'  Now with Paddy groaning on the floor and Mick hung up on high,  Says Pat, 'Come down." 'I can't," cried Mick, "for if I do, I'll die."  The noise soon brought the beadle round, the sexton and police,  And tho' they set poor Micky free, they gave them no release.  They marched them to the county jail where their conduct now they rue, And if they'd got no work before, they've plenty now to do; And for their ingenuity they now have larger scope Than when they broke into a church to try and steal a rope.

VIDEO: Parrot Has an Evil Laugh

VIDEO: Chinese bus driver saves passengers despite being hit by flying piece of metal

A Chinese bus driver has given his life to save his passengers, after he was hit by a flying object on a motorway.

Wu Bin, 48, was hit in the arms and the abdomen by a flying piece of metal that smashed through his windscreen.

He managed to bring the bus to a stop despite his injuries.

He then put the hazard lights on, and was able to tell the passengers not to run around while the bus was still on the highway. He was taken to hospital but died of his injuries four days later.

Mother drove off forgetting baby was in car seat on the roof


Phoenix police have arrested a woman who allegedly drove off after forgetting that her 5-week-old baby was in a car seat on the roof of her vehicle.

Officer James Holmes said officers were called out early Saturday after witnesses found a child strapped in a safety seat in the middle of an intersection.
The boy wasn't hurt. He's now in the custody of Arizona Child Protective Services.

Authorities say the child's mother, 19-year-old Catalina Clouser, her boyfriend and their friends had been smoking marijuana earlier in the evening at a nearby park.
Upset that her boyfriend was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence, police say Clouser went to the home of friends and smoked more marijuana.
Clouser left around midnight. Police say she apparently put the sleeping baby on the roof and drove off, forgetting he was there.


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