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The Ten Amendments to the Ten Commandments, by Allah:

The Ten Amendments to the Ten Commandments, by Allah:

1. I am the LORD [YHWH is used here] your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before [or besides] me. Although I apparently forgot my real name and now go by the generic title "the God" or "Allah" in Arabic. So, if you really worship Zeus but simply call him "Allah", it's all good.

2. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. But if you want to set up a baetyl as your sacred stone (in direct violation of Leviticus 26:1) and kiss it and bow down towards it during your yearly pagan pilgrimage to Mecca to the pagan shrine known as the Ka'aba, that's okay.

3. "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name. Actually, I'd rather you over-use my title by constantly saying "Inshallah" and repetively shouting "Allah Akbar" as you fight in my cause (since I'm quite incapable of fighting for myself.)

4. Observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy, as the LORD your God has commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your ox, your donkey or any of your animals, nor the alien within your gates, so that your manservant and maidservant may rest, as you do. Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day. Except that I've changed my mind about the Sabbath and decided it should be on Friday, not Saturday like the Jews observe it or Sunday like the Christians. And there's no need to give your household a break. They can continue to serve you considering you don't really have to work during the six days either because Allah blesses you with plenty of kafir booty and captives.

5. Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. I've added a disclaimer, folks. If your mother or father leaves Islam, kill 'em.

6. You shall not murder. Except in the cause of Allah, or in the case of apostates, or when people say bad things about Islam.

7. You shall not commit adultery. Unless you've captured a married, non-Muslim woman. In that case, rape her all you want. Go ahead and sleep with any of your slave-girls as well.

8. You shall not steal. Looting caravans and raiding villages is not stealing if it is in the cause of Allah and your victims are non-Muslims.

9. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. Taqqiya is sanctioned in Islam. Not to mention you can lie to get your wife to shut up, or to conquer a nation of the kufaar.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor's house or land, his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. You may, however, covet your adopted son's wife and when he divorces her, you can go ahead and marry your daughter-in-law. You can also covet the wealth of neighboring kafir nations and blame them when you are in poverty (so that you feel justified when you attack them and take their goods).

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The elephant who took a fancy to a very unfortunate lizard

Swinging mid-air like a rag doll, this monitor lizard was in for a rough time when a playful elephant took a fancy to it.
The unlucky creature had been swept off the ground and was carried around for a number of days by Madhuri, an Indian elephant.
With tail firmly clamped in the animal's trunk the lizard was swung around and occasionally put back on the ground.

It might have been a bumpy ride for the tiny creature - but Madhuri certainly looked delighted with her new 'toy'.
These extraordinary shots were taken by Jagdeep Rajput during a trip to Corbett National Park, in India.
The 49-year-old, from Delhi, has been taking photographs for 20 years but admitted he had never before seen such a bizarre spectacle.
He said: 'I had heard about this elephant before and looked out for her.

'She's known to be quite aggressive so when I did eventually find her I approached her carefully.
'The park has a good population of lizards and Madhuri is known as an expert in catching them - she has a particular fancy for monitor lizards.
'She caught the lizard alive and carried it all the time for few days - tossing it up and even dropping it.
'Her behavior was extraordinary and I've never seen or heard about anything so bizarre before.'

The Indian elephant is a subspecies of the Asian elephant.
This particular species can weigh up to five tons and measure an incredible 11 feet from feet to shoulder.
Its trunk lacks bone and cartilage but does contain 100,000 muscle units, which gives the elephant an incredible dexterity and allows it to pick up very small objects.
The species is endowed with a very large brain, which allows them to record memories and experiences.
Some experts even believe the animal possesses an intuition that allows them to imagine what other elephants are feeling.
There are thought to be below 30,000 Asian elephants in existence, around half of which are found in India.

The lizard makes a break for it after several days of being carried around as Madhuri's new toy

JOKE: Down in Florida...

Down in Florida, two eastern Europeans expats, a Czech and a Jew, got drunk and broke into an alligator farm. They climbed into a pen containing a mating pair, and one of the 'gators ate the Czech. The Jew started yelling, the owner came over, and then he called the cops.

The cops asked the Jew which alligator, the male or the female, ate his friend. The Jew pointed to the male, but, when they cut him open, there was nothing in his stomach except what 'gators usually get to eat. They then cut open the female, and found the Czech in her belly.

The moral of this story is: Never believe a Jew when he tells you that the Czech is in the male.