Monday, August 31, 2009

He Might Be an Alien

Gifford Florida

That thing in Dennis Schaller’s back yard off 45th Street looks like: A. A scaled-down version of Han Solo’s Millennium Falcon from “Star Wars.” B. An Airstream trailer on steroids. C. A DeLorean sports car from the early ’80s on some really serious steroids. D. Absolutely nothing else at all.

“Most people think it’s a spaceship,” Schaller said of his silver creation that measures 56 feet long, 20 feet wide and 17 feet tall. “It was originally designed to be a hovercraft. Now it looks like it’s going to end up as a houseboat. I won’t live long enough to get enough money to make it a hovercraft — not unless I went back to work full time; and then I wouldn’t have the time to work on it.”

Given Schaller’s background, the spaceship guess isn’t so far-fetched. Schaller started building rockets when he was a kid. He made a solid-fuel jet engine in high school shop class and, at age 15, took first place in the engineering division of the 1960 Georgia State Science Fair for a rocket he’d built. He was a rocket engine mechanic in the Air Force before becoming an electrical engineer with North American Aviation, where he worked on several Apollo missions, including the Apollo 11 craft that landed on the moon, and the early Space Shuttle program. He’s lived in Gifford since 1989. That’s about the time he started working on his hovercraft/houseboat.

“It’s been a 20-year project,” the 65-year-old Schaller said. “So far.” At the center of the craft is a travel trailer Schaller found in the woods in Fellsmere and bought for $100. “I put a deck around the trailer, then a roof on the deck,” he said, “and then, well, it just kind of took off. Unfortunately, my dreams are bigger than my life is long and my pockets are deep.”

The vessel, for lack of a better word, is a mixture of the practical and the fanciful. The front door, for example, opens hydraulically like the alien spacecraft from “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.” “Not being a rich man, I’ve had to build a lot of it out of junk,” he said, noting the lifeboat is made from a former acid dipping vat from the Piper Aircraft plant in Vero Beach and an old satellite dish. Schaller said he’d like to float the boat in Lake Okeechobee. “I’ve got two more years to go if I keep working steady every day,” Schaller said. “Of course, I’ve been saying ‘two more years’ for about 10 years now.”

http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2009/aug/30/20-year-old-dream-taking-shape-in-back-yard/

a joke about Socrates

Photobucket
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me as his teacher?"

"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

a Sucky Hobby?

Photobucket

TUSCOLA, IL--Most little boys collect things like baseball cards or hot wheels.

But not the 10-year old Gregory Evans.

He has a thing for vacuum cleaners.

He 's been collecting them since he was three years old.

While other kids dream of Disney World, Gregory's favorite vacation destination is the Hoover Museum.

"I take them apart and see if there's anything wrong with them," said Evans.

And the 10 year old is such an expert on vacuums that he can tell which model is running by its sound.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Lenticular Clouds From My Tarzan Blog

Lenticular clouds are stationary lens-shaped clouds that form at high altitudes, normally aligned perpendicular to the wind direction. Lenticular clouds can be separated into altocumulus standing lenticularis (ACSL), stratocumulus standing lenticular (SCSL), and cirrocumulus standing lenticular (CCSL). Where stable moist air flows over a mountain or a range of mountains, a series of large-scale standing waves may form on the downwind side. If the temperature at the crest of the wave drops to or below the dewpoint, moisture in the air may condense to form lenticular clouds. As the moist air moves back down into the trough of the wave, the cloud may evaporate back into vapor. Under certain conditions, long strings of lenticular clouds can form near the crest of each successive wave, creating a formation known as a 'wave cloud'. The wave systems cause large vertical air movements and so enough water vapor may condense to produce precipitation. The clouds have been mistaken for UFOs (or "visual cover" for UFOs) because these clouds have a characteristic lens appearance and smooth saucer-like shape. Bright colors (called Irisation) are sometimes seen along the edge of lenticular clouds. I have seen them around Mount Rainier Washington. They are very cool to see and definitely stand out. Some people refer to them as a stack of pancakes. lenticular cloud lenticular clouds lenticular clouds lenticular cloud lenticular cloud lenticular cloud lenticular cloud

GOT AN ANNOYING CLIENT? HIDE!


Car set ablaze after Joliet woman used lighter to check gas can level

DOH


A 27-year-old Joliet Illinois woman is suffering from second-degree burns after using a lighter to check the fuel level in a gas can she was filling while the can was resting inside her car.

Police officials said the woman drove into a 7-11 gas station at 1609 E. Cass St. at about 10:30 p.m. Tuesday night and climbed out of her car.

She then placed the gas can on the passenger seat of the vehicle, pulled down the nozzle of the pump, and began filling the can.

About halfway through, the woman ignited a lighter to shine some light on the gas can, apparently to see how full the can was, officials said.

The can ignited from the lighter's flame and exploded, setting the vehicle's interior ablaze, officials said.

After the fire started, the woman pushed the car away from the gas pumps to apparently ensure the fire didn't spread to the gas pumps itself.

Officials said, when police and fire officials arrived on the scene, the car was located about 5-feet from the pumps and was completely engulfed in flames.

The woman was transported from the scene to Silver Cross Hospital in Joliet with nonlife threatening injuries to her wrist and thigh, authorities said.

(apparently this woman is suffering from oxygen deprivation..this apparently occured when her sphincter tightened around her throat,cutting off the flow of oxygen to her brain..further medical tests will be conducted)


Friday, August 28, 2009

FUNNIES

你滑稽的图片 Photobucket cargo pants cartoon funny homealone McCauley/MJ Photobucket asshole plane propeller encounter huh ugly boys

for the best emails,jokes and images to be found ANYWHERE..join my group on Youha!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Cosmos_Jokes_n_Stuff/

and would you believe it's FREE! Such a deal!

fly,plane,jet,

the Da Vinci Code

Da Vinci Code...
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least
Three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists
From around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge
Meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a
Woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell
They were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart
Enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a
Shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that
If a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea..
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
Evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel,
Dig The Ass On That Chick.
LAUGHING MUTLEY

I LIKE THIS DOCTOR

Photobucket

Doctor U.R. Wong

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.

Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.

And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q
: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

WHEN GROWN MEN PLAY WITH TOYS

Photobucket

ELVIS AND MICHAEL JACKSON ARE ALIVE!!!!!

AND THEY'RE LIVING TOGETHER IN MISSISSIPPI Photobucket

FOR SALE BY OWNER

ONE USELESS Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket

%$#^@^%@!!^&$^#@ CAT

Why Don't We Do It In The Road? Two Mainiacs do!

Photobucket

AUGUST 28--Two young lovebirds are facing indecent conduct charges after a cop spotted them having sex "in full view" of motorists and pedestrians traveling on a Maine street. The exhibitionists, Faith Erman, 19, and Joseph Lattari, 20, explained to police that they had been at Erman's home last Saturday morning, but "decided to leave the apartment so that they could find a place to have sex without bothering other people at the apartment." The duo, pictured at right, settled on a spot adjacent to College Avenue, according to the below Orono Police Department report. That's where a cop discovered the naked duo at 5:45 AM (Erman was said to be on all fours "straddling" Lattari, who "was lying on his back on the ground"). "While they were putting their clothes on they repeatedly apologized for their actions," an Orono cop noted.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

DOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Understanding Automatic Door FAIL - Funny bloopers are a click away

a treat kiddies..a treat

and he does this with but 3 strings..I suspect he learned to play a 3 string guitar out of necessity

life 100 years ago

1909 Ford Model R


Show this to your children and/or grandchildren

THE YEAR 1909


This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1909.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1909 :

************ ********* ********* ******


The average life expectancy was 47 years.


Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.


Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.


There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles

Of paved roads.


The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.


The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!


The average wage in 1909 was 22 cents per hour.


The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .


A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.


More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .


Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which

Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '


Sugar cost four cents a pound.


Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.


Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.


Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used

Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.


Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from

Entering into their country for any reason.


Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke


The American flag had 45 stars.


The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!!


Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea

Hadn't been invented yet.


There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.


Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..


Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'

( Shocking? DUH! )


Eighteen percent of households had at least

One full-time servant or domestic help.


There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !


I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.
From there, it will be sent to others all over the
WORLD - all in a matter of seconds!


Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Cheating husband punished publicly

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/video.

Shame can be a powerful punishment. Just ask the guy who had to stand on the corner in Tysons Corner, Va., Wednesday morning.

You know, the guy wearing the sign that said, "I CHEATED. THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT."

He told a passerby that he cheated on his wife -- and she found evidence of it on his cell phone. So the wife doled out a rather creative punishment: He had to stand at the intersection during morning rush, wearing the handmade sign.

People reported seeing him as early as 9 a.m., and his presence was discussed on several of D.C.'s morning radio shows. A little before 11 a.m., his wife texted him and said he'd been out there long enough. He removed the sign and skedaddled.

Leesburg Pike in Tysons Corner is one of the most traffic-clogged arteries in the area, making for maximum viewing pleasure.

Tongueless man arrested in emergency room after rape victim bites back

Photobucket MURRIETA, Calif - A Southern California man will stand trial in the rapes of four women, including one alleged victim who authorities say bit off the tongue of her attacker. The Riverside County District Attorney's Office said Monday that a judge in Murrieta ordered Ronald Douglas McGowan, 32, to trial after a preliminary hearing on 12 felony counts, including rape, forcible rape, assault with a deadly weapon and assault causing serious bodily injury. Prosecutors say one of the victims bit off part of McGowan's tongue in self-defense during a June 5 rape at her apartment. McGowan, of West Covina, was arrested at an emergency room where he went for treatment. His tongue could not be reattached.

Best Band Ever? Maybe!

Willie & the Poor Boys Bill Wyman, Andy Fairweather-low, Charlie Watts, Chris Rea , Jimmy Page, Paul Rogers Kenny Jones, Geraint Watkins, Rony Wood, Ringo Starr, George Harrison, etc

joke #2 LOL

gorilla finger
Did you hear the one about the guy who was visiting the zoo? After looking at the various exhibits, he ended up at the gorilla cage. Interestingly, every time he made a move..no matter what he did..the gorilla would imitate him exactly. He'd scratch his head...the great ape would do like-wise. He'd screech..the gorilla would screech too. Then scratched his eye..the gorilla went beserk. It broke out of it's cage and nearly beat him to death before zoo personnel could capture and subdue the beast.
Later at the hospital as he was recovering from his injuries he was visited by the head zookeeper.
The zookeeper inquired, "what did you do to make the gorilla so angry?"
"I don't know" replied the man. "I was just doing different things and the gorilla was imitating my every move until I scratched my eye like this" and the man pulled his lower eyelid down, as if to scratch it.
"Ohhhh my God", the zookeeper said. "That's f**k you in gorilla talk."
The zookeeper departed and the man plotted his revenge on the gorilla. The next day he went to a nearby deli and bought a huge roll of sandwich salami and a big knife.
He returned to the gorilla cage. He dupicated all of his previous manuevers. Each time the gorilla copied his move to the letter. Now was the time to show that gorilla who's smarter, the man thought. With that he stuck the giant salami into his pants, as if it was his very own salami and began to whack at it with the big knife.
He looked over at the gorilla, hoping to sense some anger from the gorilla. Alas, all he saw was the gorilla pulling at his lower eyelid.


a joke

laffin frog
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.

A blonde female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the
crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her Personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out.

She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to
the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?

banana dancing gifbanana dancing gif

Courthouse Mooner Not Charged

Photobucket

A prosecutor's attempt to charge a Stockton California woman with a sex crime, one that could have required a Megan's Law registration for allegedly mooning an elderly couple in a San Joaquin County Superior Court elevator, was denied by a judge Tuesday.

Deputy District Attorney Stephen Taylor had sought a misdemeanor indecent exposure charge - along with a felony counts of attempting to dissuade a witness and elder abuse - against Katherine Patterson, 58, for exposing her right buttock and thigh to Donald and Nita Reinhart as they were leaving a court appearance in an embezzlement case. In that case, the Reinharts alleged Patterson's daughter-in-law bilked their charter bus company of $240,000 in cash deposits more than six years ago.

Judge Franklin Stephenson did not agree with Taylor's assessment that the mooning was a sexual affront as described in case law, nor was it elder abuse. He did, however, uphold the felony charge of attempting to dissuade a witness.

Nita Reinhart, 69, testified Tuesday about leaving the courtroom and walking with her husband into a courthouse elevator. Before the doors closed, Patterson and her daughter-in-law and granddaughter joined them.

Reinhart said Patterson stood next to her and then mooned the couple, pulling her pants down and exposing her right thigh and buttock.

Patterson said, "They can just kiss my a-s-s," according to Reinhart, who chose to spell out the word in court rather than say it. She said she was more embarrassed by the mooning than anything.

Reinhart and her husband had planned to leave their business to Patterson's daughter-in-law before they discovered the alleged embezzlement. Reinhart, who is frail and under a doctor's care, walks with a cane and took the witness stand with the help of a bailiff. Patterson's attorney, Richard Gibson, asked Reinhart how much of the defendant's backside she saw in a series of questions that appeared uncomfortable for Reinhart.

Stephenson did require Patterson to stand trial on the felony charge of attempting to dissuade a witness. Testimony by the Reinharts indicated that Patterson had frequently made "childlike" facial gestures at them in the hallways of the Stockton branch of the San Joaquin County Court building over the course the six-year-long embezzlement case.

"She would laugh and smirk at us. She would put her thumbs to her ears and wag her fingers at us," Donald Reinhart said on the stand. "She'd stick out her tongue at us."

Taylor argued that the behavior was essentially a case of bullying toward an elderly couple. He said the constant "tongue-wagging and finger-waving" was a contrived plan to intimidate the Reinharts from coming to the courthouse. Taylor said Patterson's husband, David Patterson, continued the intimidating behavior Tuesday when he appeared in the courtroom despite a restraining order against him filed by Nita Reinhart, prompting Stephenson to toss him out of the courthouse.

"It's like a bunch of kids, and it's just ridiculous behavior that shouldn't be put up with," Taylor said.

Stephenson dismissed the charge of elder abuse, agreeing with defense attorney Gibson, who argued the prosecution did not present evidence that the Reinharts were in physical danger or were placed in declining health by any of Patterson's alleged actions.

Naked passenger arrested on flight from Oakland

omg,OMG HEN Authorities say a St. Louis-bound Southwest Airlines flight was forced to return to Oakland International Airport after a male passenger stripped, hit another passenger and fought with crew members.

Alameda County sheriff's deputies say flight 947 returned Thursday morning after 21-year-old Darius Chappille of Oakland allegedly exposed himself to the female passenger sitting next to him and punched her in the face.

Lt. Howard Jacobs says flight attendants and other passengers then subdued Chappille, as he disrobed. He was apparently completely naked when sheriff's deputies arrested him.

Chappille and the woman were taken to the hospital for minor injuries.

A Southwest Airlines representative says the flight took off from Oakland again around 10:16 a.m.

Monday, August 24, 2009

the joke for Monday~

y did chik X road

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'


The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home..'

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Marathon Swimmer Martin Strel is Nuts

Photobucket

'He swam the English Channel and became the first man to swim across the Mediterranean. Seven men had already died in the attempt, either drowned or eaten by sharks. He then took on the Danube, before swimming the Mississippi, the Argentine Parana and the Yangtze in China, an experience which left his liver black. He also swam London's River Thames last year, although its risks were somewhat less than the Yangtze. Lastly he swam the legendary Amazon. That's 3,274 miles, swimming 10 hours a day for 66 days.. on two bottles of wine a day *or 196,440 lengths of your average pool.'

He's middle-aged, his ample belly bulges over his Speedos... and he thinks drinking two bottles of wine a day keeps him in shape. Swimmer Martin Strel would be the first to admit he makes the unlikeliest of athletes. But the 55-year-old harddrinking Slovenian just happens to be the greatest endurance swimmer in the world... ever.

He claimed the title by conquering the world's most dangerous river - the Amazon - swimming 3,274 miles in 66 days, non-stop. "It helps to be a little crazy, to do what I do," Martin admits. "I told myself that I would swim the Amazon or I would die trying. "I'm a big man, sure, but the Amazon is so much bigger." The astonishing story of courage and determination is the subject of a new movie, Big River Man, which opens across the UK next month. The enthralling film sees Martin brave the constant threat of piranhas, crocodiles and the horrifying candiru fish. He also had to battle through tropical storms and blistering heat, as well as facing murderous bandits and machetewielding native tribes. Add unrelenting diarhea to that catalogue of horrors and you get an idea of the type of man Martin is, tackling each obstacle with sheer bloody-mindedness... and a healthy dose of alcohol.

Photobucket

But even as he tells how his doctor warned him to give up drinking to lessen the risk of heart attack, Martin simply cracks open another bottle of red, washing it down with a whisky and some beer. "I told the doctor I have to drink, I have to swim - I am Martin!" says the part-time guitar teacher.

As a child, he used to leap into the icy river near his home to escape beatings by his father, but he didn't begin serious endurance swimming until 1992. His first challenge saw him conquer the 65-mile Krka river in his homeland in 28 hours. He then swam the English Channel and became the first man to swim across the Mediterranean. Seven men had already died in the attempt, either drowned or eaten by sharks. He then took on the Danube, before swimming the Mississippi, the Argentine Parana and the Yangtze in China, an experience which left his liver black. He also swam London's River Thames last year, although its risks were somewhat less than the Yangtze. Martin says: "The Thames was a little easier to swim than other rivers. I thought it was a very nice, clean river. But it was very cold."

After such previous conquests, the Amazon must have seemed like a natural progression. Martin trained more than five hours a day in his local swimming pool and finally began history's longest swim in April 2007. His daily target was to swim for 10 hours every day, covering around 90km. But the adventure soon became a struggle for survival. As well as dehydration and exhaustion, water-borne parasites left his body racked with infection and disease, including dengue fever, which triggers painful cramps.

Tarantulas, giant millipedes and scorpions would drop off the trees into the river, often getting entangled in his hair. Birds would fly down and attempt to peck at his face. Larvae burrowed into his skin and his face was stung by wasps. Some days he even had to wear a pillowcase over his head, with slits for the eyes and mouth to protect his face from the heat. However the hazards above the water were nothing compared to the horrors below.

The biggest danger was the bull shark, responsible for the deaths of more humans than any other type of shark in the area. Then there are stingrays and anacondas lurking in the shallows, crocodiles and alligators that can seize human-size prey and gobble it whole. Long, poisonous snakes slither out of nowhere and giant catfish up to 15ft long, known to swallow dogs and children, hide in the mud. Once he had to be hauled from the water screaming in pain, as shoals of piranha fish gnawed at his leg. He swam in the faster-flowing middle of the channel, in places 100ft deep, in the worst Amazon floods for a century, but sometime he couldn't avoid the stiller water. In an attempt to stop the razorjawed piranha fish from smelling him, Martin would lather his body with gasoline and cream and buckets of pigs' blood would be thrown into the water to divert their attention. But of all the dangers, the one Martin feared most was the tiny candiru, otherwise known as the vampire fish, a parasite with a vicious tactic. It is attracted by the scent of urine and enters the body by swimming up the penis. Once inside it locks itself on with a series of spikes and feeds off blood and tissue. Surgery is the only way to remove it. And if Martin was attacked the nearest emergency ward was hundreds of miles away. To reduce the risk, Martin never exposed himself to urinate and always did it inside his wetsuit. "I never looked down," he said.

The only friendly creatures he met were the porpoises and dolphins who often kept him company, swimming alongside. His escort boat, skippered by his son and manager Borut, 28, had a team of armed guards to protect him from river pirates and carried his stockpile of medicine and food...and alcohol. "Drinking wine is part of my life," Martin says. "It's my special blend, that I make myself, so it's very healthy and it gives me energy, without making me drunk. I would drink whisky as well, to wash my mouth out before I eat food. "But sometimes I drank a little just to lift the day, because to swim a river like the Amazon is very hard. You never know what is below the water - and a drink helped me relax. You need a little Dutch courage!" The toll on his body was immense - he weighed 114kg (250lb) when he started and lost nearly 20kg (44lb) during the swim, despite being on an 11,000 calories a-day diet to keep up his strength. Towards the end, he admitted that it felt like "a bomb was about to explode" in his head. He took months to recover. Since his swim, which he undertook to highlight increasing levels of pollution in the world and the threat to the rainforests, Martin has become a huge star back home in Slovenia. Nowadays, women flock around him, calling him a hero and begging to be his wife. "Yes, I get hit on a lot and sure, I do like pretty ladies," Martin says. "But I'm already married. I have to keep my head clear - just as I did when I took on that river. "I am just a regular man who just has higher goals than usual, not a superman." So what's next for the incredible human fish? "Who knows?" shrugs Martin. "Maybe I'll swim right around the world!" Big River Man is in cinemas from September 4.

Some of the horrors under the water...

BULL SHARK Needs no introduction, this is more of a maneater than even the legendary Great White

ANACONDA Less of a snake, more of a scaly submarine, this beast is best avoided at all costs

PIRANHA Shoals are famed for being able to strip a cow to the bone in under a minute

CANDIRU Known as the vampire fish, its methods are enough to make men scream like little girls

Amazon facts The river is 3274 miles long. Only the River Nile in Egypt, at 4,132 miles, is longer. It pumps 300,000 cubic metres of water a second into the Atlantic. It accounts for a fifth of the world's fresh water. It is home to a third of all the species of animals in the world. There is no bridge across it. At its mouth in Brazil, it is 210 miles wide, which is wider than the length of the Thames. The source of the Amazon is a stream in the Peruvian Andes.

digitalpoint

Geo Visitors Map

~WHIRLED GNUS~

Followers

Blog Archive