JOKE: The Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a Defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." 

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." 

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot pen¡s around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" 

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subjects: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says, "I can't afford that." 

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

 "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. 

"My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time ... 

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. 

"I don't know," says the parrot, "My d¡ck got hard and I fell off my perch." 

VIDEO: Car Crushed Under Semi Trailer

His car ended up under a semitrailer, completely smashed. But somehow, Eddie Percy Jr. walked away with just a few scratches.

Percy was driving on Interstate 80 on Sunday afternoon when an 18-wheeler drove over his car just east of Greenwood.

"I literally looked up at my roof and saw it was a semi," Percy said. "I'm like, 'Wow, I just survived that,' because I just don't see how that was possible."

The Nebraska State Patrol said it appeared the semitrailer's driver veered off onto the right shoulder and hit some loose gravel.

"He started to go down in that, he overcorrected and went over to the barriers, actually," Sgt. Tim Salmen said.

Rescue crews from Ashland rushed to the scene while westbound traffic I-80 was stopped.

"I thank God that I'm OK and that I still have another chance to see my son now," Percy said.

VIDEO: http://youtu.be/xD3ANthSp7k

Freak garbage bin accident kills Ohio woman

An Ohio woman has died from asphyxiation after falling head first into a recycling bin, a coroner has found. Sheila Decoster, 62, was discovered by her husband on Friday evening, upside down in a 65-gallon plastic bin at her home in Toledo, Ohio.

She was clad in her pyjamas and her slippers were on a porch by the bin. She is thought either to have lost her balance and fallen off a porch into the bin or fallen in while trying to retrieve an object, an official said. "You can asphyxiate in minutes," Dr Diane Barnett of the Lucas County, Ohio coroner's office, said.

"But she had some bruises like she was trying to get out, like she was trying to rock it and tip it." Mrs Decoster perished of positional asphyxia, in which the placement of her body in the rubbish bin prevented her lungs from filling with air, Dr Barnett said. She had been standing over the bin on a porch that had no railing to obstruct her fall into the bin, the deputy coroner added.

Richard Decoster, her husband of 43 years, said he returned home from shopping at about 5 PM and saw his wife's legs sticking out of the bin. "I just happened to look to the left and, honestly, thought it was a dummy," Mr Decoster said. "I shook her leg and called her name, and I knew she was gone."

JOKE: Gold Medal-All-Purpose Flour

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” 

  

He then addressed the men . “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”   

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?” 

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy... 

GOT CAPTION? 8/10

GOT CAPTION? 8/0 v.2.0

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Boy, 11, charged with breaking mom's arm

FORT MYERS, FL -

Deputies arrested an 11-year-old Fort Myers boy after he reportedly broke his mom's arm during a fight at their home Saturday.

Matthew Dunn was booked into the Lee County Jail on a charge of felony battery.

Dunn's mother said the boy became upset when she and her boyfriend began talking about Dunn's father at the dining room table Saturday evening, according to an arrest report.

The boy reportedly stood up from the table, threw it over and then started striking his mom as she tried to calm him down.

Dunn's anger escalated, prompting his mother and the rest of the family to run out of the home, the report said. That's when the boy reportedly followed her, threw a rock at her and then twisted her arm.

The woman's boyfriend intervened, and as she ran back inside Dunn threw a golf ball through the window of the home, deputies said.

He then began to take his anger out on himself, hitting his head against a tree, according to the report.

EMS arrived on scene and determined the woman had sustained a broken arm. She was taken to Lee Memorial Hospital for treatment.