JOKE: A lawyer's dog steals a roast.

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash--it's too plebeian--and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later--it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic--the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

HIS "DOG" SPOT

Man wakes from coma when wife whispers he has become a grandfather

Some things are worth waking up for.

And after two weeks in a coma David Russell finally opened his eyes - after his wife told him he had just become a grandfather.

Doctors had previously warned Helen Russell that the prognosis for her 60-year-old husband was not good.

But on hearing the news of the latest addition to the family, the farmer is making a full recovery.

He then underwent a five-hour operation to remove a blood clot from his brain before lapsing into the coma.

Farmer David Russell with wife Helen and a photograph of new granddaughter Edie. Doctors thought he would wake brain damaged

His 57-year-old wife was warned he would probably wake up with serious brain damage, but after their first grandchild Edie was born two weeks later she whispered in his ear: 'Come on granddad you have got to wake up now.'

Mrs Russell says that on hearing the news her husband stirred from his coma and gave her a wink.

She said yesterday: 'The doctors didn't even think that he would survive the operation, which was absolutely horrific news to be given.

'He did survive but when he failed to come out of an induced coma they said the best case scenario was that he would be brain damaged and severely impaired.

'But then Edie was born and I went into the hospital and said: 'Come on granddad you have got to wake up now - you have got to do that'.

'Soon after that he started to come out of the coma and opened his eyes and winked at me.

'He came round when I told him we were grandparents for the first time.'

She added: 'He's incredibly proud and thrilled to be a grandfather.

'The whole family was elated. Words don't even begin to describe how devastated we were after the accident.'

Mr Russell, a father-of-three was at his farm in Didmarton, Gloucetershire, England when he fell head-first onto a concrete floor in December.

He was airlifted to Frenchay Hospital in Bristol where specialist surgeons operated for five hours to remove a blood clot from his brain and then put him in a coma from which he couldn't be woken.

It was only when his granddaughter Edie was born to son Edward, 30, and his wife Ellie that he finally came round after 15 days.

Mr Russell, who is now expected to make a full recovery, said: 'The doctors told my wife that there was a risk that although I was going to survive I may be severely brain damaged.

'The next day Helen told me that we had become grandparents and I apparently opened my eyes and blinked and winked, but I don't remember it.'

Mr Russell was well enough to see his granddaughter three weeks later while he was undergoing rehabilitation at Gloucester Royal Hospital.

He said: 'It was just fantastic to meet Edie and I have got her to thank for saving my life. When she is older I will tell her that she helped bring me out of a coma.

'My concern now is just on getting better.'

FUNNY PIX

EXPERTS AGREE GIANT RAZOR CLAWED BIOENGINEERED CRABS NOT A THREAT

Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

JOKE: IT SHRINKS IN COLD WATER

This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no *man* has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply, "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception..

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception..

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

PHOTOS: A MOTHER'S LOVE

A baby horse on its mom's lap Some pictures just don't need captions. There is nothing like Mom's lap no matter who you are. This is precious!

This is a newborn offspring of Taskin, a Gypsy Stallion owned by Villa Vanners of Oregon . These pictures were taken immediately after his birth. The mare laid down, and then he trotted around and crawled right up into her lap. Talk about true love!

Man broke into female jail in Germany to have sex with his girlfriend

A loved-up burglar who broke in to prison night after night for sex with his girlfriend is now facing a permanent stretch himself.

Daniele Eberhardt, 33, scaled a ten-foot fence, dodged surveillance cameras and used a skeleton key made from a spoon to break into the low-security jail in the British Army garrison town of Bielefeld, Germany.

For nearly a month the other female jailbirds were driven to distraction by the passionate moans coming from cell 13 in Detention House C7 of the jail for petty thieves, drug criminals and benefit fraudsters.

It got so bad that the convicts broke the unwritten law of the underworld and told guards about the couple's illicit trysts.

Friedhel Sanker, deputy governor of the prison, said: 'Some of the other women felt that their sleep was being disturbed, while others feared that the man might try to come and visit them, too. They were going at it quite energetically, apparently."

Prosecutors in Bielefeld said he will go on trial for trespass next month - and will probably end up behind bars himself.

JOKE: An old Russian woman is riding a crowded bus

An old Russian woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it. "Thank God," she says.

A man in the seat behind her says, "Excuse me comrade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"

"Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought: What shall we say when Stalin dies?"

The man behind her replies, "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"