JOKE: What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway station, next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized."I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Vodka company follows up anti-Semitic billboard with one denigrating women

Remember that vodka ad on a New York billboard that was removed late last year after residents and Jewish groups complained its message ("CHRISTMAS QUALITY. HANNUKAH PRICING") was anti-Semitic?

Well, the folks behind it are at it again.

A new billboard advertising Wodka has surfaced on Seventh Avenue near New York's Penn Station with a similarly offensive message--this one referencing prostitutes:

ESCORT QUALITY

HOOKER PRICING

"Our intent was not to be offensive toward women," Brian Gordon, president of MMG, the firm that created the campaign, told Yahoo News.

"We're a bit of a lightning rod after the last one," Gordon continued. "There was justified sensitivity, which is why we took it down.

"People are going to be offended for different reasons, but there's nothing derogatory about this campaign," he added. "These are words people use, and one denotes a higher quality. We're creating a juxtaposition, that's all."

A representative for Panache Beverages Inc., the New York-based distillery that owns Wodka, did not return a call from Yahoo News seeking comment.

The latest billboard was spotted by a Twitter user, Katie Kitamura, who said she was rendered speechless upon seeing it.

The ad, which features a sheep wearing a sombrero, also appears on Wodka's website. According to Gordon, there are currently at least seven copies of the ad up in New York; a Wodka campaign with different creative ("LOBSTAH QUALITY. CHOWDAH PRICING") recently launched in Boston.

"Maybe the lobster industry is going to come after us next," Gordon said.

The Wodka billboard with the holiday message was posted on the West Side Highway last November. It was taken down after the Anti-Defamation League denounced the ad as "crude and offensive."

VIDEO: The Babysitter

VIDEO: A Cat With an Attitude

VIDEO: Police used stun gun on 300-pound naked sock thief

Police say they were forced to use an electric stun gun on a naked 6-foot-4-inch, nearly 300-pound man after he allegedly stole socks from a Walmart in Chester County. The incident unfolded on Wednesday at approximately 5:30 p.m. at the Walmart in West Whiteland Township, Pennsylvania.

Police said officers responded to the scene and located the suspect, later identified as Verdon Lamont Taylor, inside the store wearing only a pair of socks. According to police, Taylor refused to comply with commands from the officers, and a stun gun had to be used. While in custody, Taylor allegedly spat on the face of one of the officers.

An investigation revealed that the socks Taylor had been wearing were stolen from the store, police said. Surveillance video of the incident obtained from Walmart showed Taylor exiting a vehicle in the parking lot, removing all of his clothes, walking into the store completely naked and approaching the counter. That's when, according to police, Taylor stole the socks, put them on his feet and walked farther into the store.

The video also shows shoppers avoiding Taylor as he walked through the store. The 32-year-old man, a resident of Downingtown, was arraigned on charges of indecent exposure, aggravated assault, simple assault, retail theft, receiving stolen property and disorderly conduct, police said. He was sent to Chester County prison after failing to post $50,000 bail, and he faces a preliminary hearing on March 21.

VIDEO: Louisiana Congressman/Medical Doctor Fooled by "the Onion" Satire Bit on Abortion

It's the first rule of politics: make sure you've got your facts right before you start broadcasting your strident views.

But one Louisiana Congressman was left rather embarrassed after he took to Facebook to express outrage over plans for an $8billion 'Abortionplex' to be built by Planned Parenthood -- only to discover it was based on a satirical article written by The Onion.

To make matters worse, the spoof news report had been written a year earlier.

John Fleming -- or someone on his staff -- added a link to The Onion story 'Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex' on his official Facebook page with the comment 'More on Planned Parenthood, abortion by the wholesale.'

The link was quickly removed from his page, but not before it was captured by the blog Literally Unbelievable, which specializes in embarrassing people who repeat stories from the Onion without realizing it is a fake news outlet. 

The Onion story, which was published in May, says the building is a '900,000-square-foot facility has more than 2,000 rooms dedicated to the abortion procedure.'

'The Abortionplex's high-tech machinery is capable of terminating one pregnancy every three seconds. That's almost a million abortions every month. We're so thrilled!' Planned Parenthood's president is 'quoted' as saying.

The Onion, which wrote the story in light of last year's fight in Congress over federal funding for the group, republished the story in light of Susan G. Komen Foundation controversy, which saw the charity pull its support for Planned Parenthood only to reverse its decision.

A spokesman for Fleming, a second-term Republican and family practice doctor, confirmed that the link was posted but said it was taken down. He would not comment further. 

Eight constituents had commented by the time Literally Unbelievable caught the post. One of them pointed out: 'The Onion is satire. How exactly did you get elected?'

Joe Randazzo, the editor of the Onion, played his response to the row as tongue-in-cheek as his newspaper's stories.

'We’re delighted to hear that Rep. Fleming is a regular reader of America’s Finest News Source and doesn’t bother himself with The New York Times, Washington Post, the mediums of television and radio, or any other lesser journalism outlets,' he said in a statement to Politico.

Hudson Hongo, who runs the Literally Unbelievable blog, told Politico he finds it 'extremely satisfying to see a politician being made the rube by just the kind of sensationalism (in this case satiric) that they seem so adept at manufacturing these days.'

Fleming represents Louisiana's Fourth District, which includes Shreveport. 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/planned-parenthood-opens-8-billion-abortionplex,20476/

JOKE: Jane was ugly

Jane was ugly -- so ugly, it hurt. Having never had a boyfriend, she asked a psychic for help. The psychic said, "Jane, you will not be lucky in love in this lifetime, but, you will be reincarnated and then you will be Earth's most desirable woman. Men will fall at your feet. And you will find great joy." Jane left happy and excited. On her way home, going over a bridge, she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my great new life will begin." So she stopped her car right there and jumped off the bridge. Incredibly, she didn't die! She landed in the back of an open truck loaded with bananas, but she did faint. After riding a few miles, she came to, drowsy, unable to see well, not knowing where she was, and started feeling her surroundings. Feeling all those bananas, she laughed and said, "Gentlemen, please. One at a time!"

Briton bitten 'down under' by deadly Australian snake while answering call of nature

A British man was bitten "down under" by a killer snake while answering a call of nature in the Australian bush. The reptile sunk its fangs into Jackson Scott's testicle as he squatted in the dark.

But when he begged best mate Roddy Andrews to suck the venom out, his friend refused. Instead he drove Jackson on a 40-minute life-or-death dash to Hobart, Tasmania, where doctors gave him an antidote to the deadly tiger snake poison.

Jackson, 29, of Glasgow, said: "I went into the garden at four in the morning after a night in the pub to save flushing the toilet because water is precious in the outback. Just as I finished and was about to tuck everything safely away, it bit me. I had my pants around my knees when I hobbled into Roddy's bedroom. My heart was racing and I was hallucinating.

"Needless to say, Rod was not of a mind to suck out the poison." Jackson, starting a year's working holiday at the remote farm, added: "The doctors and nurses were very professional. They didn't take the mickey out of me being bitten on my wedding tackle."

VIDEO: Man jailed for cooking and eating neighborhood cats

An Oildale, California man is behind bars, accused of killing cats and eating them.

A case of alleged animal abuse led investigators to a home on Wilson Avenue in Oildale.

"It was shocking. I was just blown away. I mean how often do you hear that," said neighbor Steve Poe.

Poe lives next door Jason Wilmert, 36, who is accused of killing cats and eating them.

"I heard he was using his house pets as snacks which is kind of disturbing. You would have never guessed anything like that. I saw him buy a case of beer. So if he can afford a case of Natural Ice, you can get some Top Ramen," continued Poe.

Neighbors say Wilmert kept to himself and acted strangely.

"He would just stare at my dog, like just stare at it, and he makes me nervous, you know what I mean? I told him to stop and he said I'm not doing nothing. I'm just looking," said Steven Smith.

One neighbor said she saw him in action.

"My roommate recently told me about two days ago that our neighbor was crazy and she caught him cutting up a dead cat in his backyard," said Crystal Gates.

Neighbors had their suspicions about how Wilmert may have prepared the cats.

"He spent, I want to say, three straight days burning stuff in his backyard. It smelled like leaves and everything like that. I don't know if the guy was having a BBQ or what not, but it was three to four days solid burning stuff in his yard," said Poe.

Wilmert faces two misdemeanor charges, one count of cruelty to animals and one count of using a pet as food.

"I've been involved in these types of cases for well over almost 20 years now. I've never seen this charge before," explained Michael Yraceburn, Supervising Deputy District Attorney.

If convicted, Wilmert faces up to six months in jail.

Investigators say they don't know where the cats came from, but they believe the killings happened on more than one occasion.

Wilmert denied our request for a jailhouse interview.

He is expected to be in court Friday.

VIDEO: Kung Fu Rooster vs. Cat