►WHIRLED GNUS◄

Friday, July 2, 2010

JOKE: Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agreed to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied...'Parkinson's.'

ty sk rap

Man stole duck from park, planned to eat it

An apparently hungry Chalmette,Louisiana man has been arrested for stealing a duck from a public park with the intent of cooking it up for a meal, the St. Bernard Parish Sheriff's Office said.

The Sheriff's Office said Ashmeer Tahir, 38, 3713 Juno Drive, was booked with theft of an animal Monday after someone saw him remove a muscovie duck from Sidney Torres Park in Chalmette. A sheriff's deputy found Tahir at his home with a duck inside a bucket in his van, the Sheriff's Office said in a news release.

Tahir, who was released from custody on an undisclosed bond, told deputies he intended to eat the duck.

The news release said someone called the Sheriff's Office around 7:30 Monday morning to report that a man had put a duck in his silver van and turned north on nearby Juno Drive from Patricia Street, which borders the park in central Chalmette.

Deputy Jarrod Gourgues of the sheriff's Traffic Division located the vehicle in a driveway on Juno. Cpl. William Parks spoke to Tahir, who was driving the van, and asked if he had just come from Torres Park. Tahir replied that he had, sheriff's reports said. The duck was found inside a bucket on the floor of the passenger's side of the van, the news release said.

Tahir told deputies a "wildlife person'' had told him it would be OK to remove a duck from the park, but he couldn't provide a name, Chief Deputy Sheriff James Pohlmann said.

Tahir also told deputies he that he planned to kill and eat the duck. The duck, probably unaware of how close it had been to becoming a meal, was taken back to the park and set free, Pohlmann said.

Charlie the parrot has a nasty mouth

Charges for South Korean man whose gadget 'created holy water'

A South Korean professor who claimed he could make tap water into holy water will face fraud charges, police say. The man, named as Prof Kim, claimed he could digitally capture the elements of holy water from Lourdes, France, that believers say has healing powers.

He had sold devices to more than 5,000 people, making almost $1.3m. Eight people, including Prof Kim's wife and brother-in-law, will also be charged. The famous shrine to the Virgin Mary at Lourdes offers water which some believe has healing powers.

Mr Kim had claimed his ceramic and paper filters, and plastic cards used in water purifiers, had captured those powers for onward transmission. He and his associates allegedly told customers that different devices cured different illnesses, including diabetes and tumors.

"Professor Kim says if the medical properties are changed into digital signals, and radiated onto any water, the water will adapt those properties," the JoongAng Ilbo newspaper quoted police as saying. But police said experts had confirmed that this was "completely impossible, based on no scientific evidence". The police also said that the people who had bought the devices had complained when they did not work.

Worst parking ever as driver hits only object in empty car park

You are in a vast, empty car park. You can park anywhere. There is one pay-and-display meter in sight. Can you manage to park without crashing into it?

In the case of 42-year-old Lutz Buergi, who was trying to park at about 7 in the morning at a station in Bern, Switzerland, the answer was a resounding 'no.'

Buergi somehow he managed to avoid the massive amounts of empty space in the car park, and drive his white Mitsubishi Galant straight into the only obstacle in sight.

Railway worker Sascha Aebischer, who was working in a nearby office, said: 'I had to laugh because he was the first there and could have parked anywhere.'