JOKE: A man walks up to a woman sitting alone at a bar.

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it. I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner. I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and develop this intense sex life , that is truly incredible. Decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together.

Then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house . You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids. Now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you. Now you're stressed and stop taking good care of yourself. So to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so). We have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. So, for God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

JOKE: Teacher Asks Johnny

The teacher asked her pupils to spell a word starting with "A" and then use that word in a sentence. Little Johnny's hand flew up, but she teacher ignored him, fearing his propensity to turn even the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo. "All right, Susan. You may go first." Little Suzi said, "Teacher, A is for Ape, A-P-E. An ape likes bananas."

"Excellent, Susan," said her teacher. As they continued through the alphabet, Little Johnny's hand waved at every letter, but she thought of an embarrassing word he might say, so she didn't call on him. At F, Little Johnny's hand was the only one up, but there's no way she'd let him tackle that one so she called on Mary, who responded, "F is for Fairy, F-A-I-R-Y. A fairy is a little girl who lives among the flowers."

"Excellent, Mary. And now, G." Again, Little Johnny's was the only hand up. The teacher thought, "There are no embarrassing words that began with G. This one is safe." So she called on Johnny.

"Teacher, G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A gnome lives among the flowers, too."

"Johnny, that's excellent," said the relieved woman. Little Johnny continued, "Yes, teacher, gnomes are fairy f*�kers!"

....................................................

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence. Jane, you go first."

"Dough, D O U G H, Italians make pizza with dough."

Very good, Jane. Now let's hear from Mary.

"Dough, D O U G H, my brother makes things with play dough."

By this time Johnny is waving his hand frantically.

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something to add?"

"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's so bad in bed she uses a dill dough."

UPDATE: Statement from the father who shot his daughter's laptop

"While we appreciate the interest you're all putting forth to get in touch with us regarding the video, we're not going to go on your talk show, not going to call in to your radio show, and not going to be in your TV mini-series.

Some of you think I made an acceptable parenting decision and others think I didn't. However, I can't think of any way myself or my daughter can ...respond to a media outlet that won't be twisted out of context. The Dallas news TV news already showed that in their brief 5 minute interview with the psychologist.

Additionally, there's absolutely NO way I'm going to send my child the message that it's OK to gain from something like this. It would send her a message that it's OK to profit at the expense of someone else's embarrassment or misfortune and that's now how I was raised, nor how she has been raised.

So I say thank you from all of us. If we have anything to say, we'll say it here on Facebook, and we'll say it publicly, but we won't say it to a microphone or a camera. There are too many other REAL issues out there that could use this attention you're giving us. My daughter isn't hurt, emotionally scarred, or otherwise damaged, but that kind of publicity has never seemed to be to have a positive effect on any child or family.

If you're a news outlet that wants to ask us a question, feel free to so via email. I'm sure by now my email address is easy enough to find. It might take me awhile to get to a response because I'd have to sort through the "Die you bastard" emails to find it, but we will respond if its something that we feel merits it. Otherwise, sorry... no interviews, no talk shows, no call-ins.

If we respond to anything, it will be on here, and it will be in a way that our words can't be misconstrued or edited for appeal to specific audience or shock value.

Now, I'm going to try to get to work for the day.

Best of luck to all of you out there... and PLEASE give my phone a break."

Much as it makes my job challenging, I do admire people who don't talk to the press.

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JOKE: A man is waiting for his wife to give birth

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

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