The seafood restaurant's sign read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5." Amazed at the great value, a customer asked the waitress, "Five bucks for lobster tails? Is that correct?" "Yep," she said. "It's today's special." He remained skeptical. "Are they little?" "No," she replied, "they're big." "$5 each? Are they old?" "No. Fresh today." "Wow. Great. Here's my five bucks." She took his money, led him to a table, sat him down, leaned over close and began, "Once upon a time, there was a really big red lobster..."
Definition of a "friend:" An acquaintance of the opposite sex who has a flaw that makes sex unappealing.
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett looked out from his observation post and saw a horde of Mexicans moving steadily toward the Alamo. He turned to William B. Travis and Jim Bowie with a puzzled look. "Were you expecting landscapers today?"
The handsome construction worker considered himself quite the stud and had no trouble persuading an attractive lady to go to his apartment. After making love, he rolled over and lit a cigarette. But his self-satisfied smile vanished when she hopped out of bed and snapped, "You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack!" The indignant fellow snapped back, "Oh, yeah? What makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds?!"