JOKE: **** Rodneyisms ****

Oh, my wife and I, we have our own arrangement. Yeah, one night a week I go out with the boys. And one night a week - SHE goes out with the boys!

Ah, one thing in football don't make sense. The two-minute warning. What's the big warning? Everyone knows you have two minutes to play. To me a two-minute warning is ... like when you're in bed with a chick. The phone rings. It's her husband on his car-phone. He says, "Honey, I'll be home in two minutes." That's a two-minute warning!

Oh, my wife told me she needs five thousand dollars - all her mother's teeth have to come out. I told her, "I'll give you ten thousand dollars - take her tongue out!"

I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm ugly - he told me to lay on the couch - face down!

Just remember - it's lonely at the top ... when there's no one on the bottom!

I like southern girls. They talk so slow, by the time they say no - I made it already!

Aw, nothing works out. I bought an Apple computer - there was a worm in it!

Oh, the other night, my wife met me at the front door, she was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble is - she was coming home!

Oh, my wife can spend money. I mean, who tips at a tollbooth? Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery - I cut up her credit cards.

I got no sex life. At my age - I need a designated lover!

My wife and I, we have an off and on relationship. Yeah, everytime I get on - she tells me to get off!

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother!

I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food!

Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.

Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself.

Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar!

And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes. Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes.

I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"

In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....

Oh, my old man was strict - he allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst!

Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!

My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me!

I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it!

I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me!

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white!

I tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters - my wife and her mother.

Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!

I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....