A woman was concerned about her husband's smoking, but finally got him to agree to only smoke at home when they had finished making love. After about a week, her friend asked her how it was going. "Well, not too bad," she said with a big smile. "He's down to about a pack a night!"
A woman, pregnant with her first child, was being examined in her obstetrician's office. "Doctor, my husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," said the doctor, "I get asked this all the time. It's okay to have sex until late in your pregnancy." "No, that's not it," she said. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
After the executive hired a hot new secretary, it was only a few days before he put the moves on her. She readily agreed and they had a great time. But after a week or so, she started taking advantage of their relationship, showing up late for work, being surly to clients, losing messages, turning out sloppy work. Finally, he pulled her aside for a little talk. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start slacking off on the job?" She gave him a sly smile and purred, "My lawyer!"
A doctor pulled a rectal thermometer from his pocket, stared at it, shook his head and said, "Looks like some a$shole has my pen!"
A man decided to take up golf, so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, "Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. "Now what?" the man asked the shocked pro. "Uh, you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." "Oh, great!" said the beginner in a disgusted tone. "Now you tell me!"