he's such a good "egg"

Not many people would brave a smile after being trampled by a 30-stone bull. But farmer Hillary Hutchinson is just thankful to be alive suffering horrendous injuries and a misshapen skull following a cattle stampede on his own farm.

The 55-year-old was herding more than 600 cattle across a remote road near his property last August when they suddenly turned on him and trot on his skull. Mr Hutchinson said he doesn't remember much of the accident, which left him with permanent brain damage. 'I was with my son, Andrew, and all was fine to begin with but then the cattle turned back and ran straight at me,' he said. 'I don't remember very much, but what I do know is that the bull stood on my head. 'He's a big fellow, over 400lbs, and he caused a considerable amount of damage, I am very lucky to have survived.' Doctors and paramedics from the Great North Air Ambulance flew to the farm and treated him at the scene before airlifting him to Newcastle Hospital.

Mr Hutchinson, 55, endured two lifesaving brain operations and spent more than three weeks in a coma following the accident. He still needs regular therapy to correct the speech impediment caused by the brain damage and people regularly look twice when they notice his misshaped head.

'When I was in a coma everyone was thinking the worst. I thought for weeks I wasn't going to make it,' he said. 'It was the skill and dedication of the air ambulance team that made all the difference, they did a really remarkable job.' His wife Di said the family had been to hell and back and she wouldn't wish the accident on her worst enemy. Despite all he has been through, Hillary is now vowing to return to work early next year on his farm in Northumberland. 'I'm definitely going back,' he said. 'It'll be no bother'

a joke for Thursday

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when
he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100?

Are you nuts?!!! she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars? he
asks again.

Listen you; I m not that kind of woman! Got it?

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her
again; Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000
dollars?

She thinks about it for a while and says, Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok,
just once, but not here. Let s go to that dark alley over there.

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, Well? Are you gonna bite them
or not?
Nah , says the little old Jewish man... Costs too much...

jokes for Wednesday 7/01/2009

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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Phew!"
"Why did you do that?" asks the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, 'Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.'

He listened a while longer, and said, 'There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling.' So the magistrate kept listening; 'There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth...'

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on him; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered, 'My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing.'

Life is a Four Letter Word

ever get the feeling, like you've just been squashed by the entire world? Lately, I don't know if I'm coming or going with the gas prices being so high my whole world has been kinda turned upside down I may've found a solution to the gas situation if we don't run out of dog food the trick is to be resourceful when you're a 'lil short
there are dangers to being upwardly mobil
but we must put all our demons to bed
and realize that sometimes life's load is a bit much
and sheer optimism alone isn't enough to prevail

often the problem is how we perceive things

maybe it's best to just laugh at life's little inequities..count our blessings
and keep on dancin'

'cuz there will always be more crap coming along
but if we face our fears

and maintain an attitude of gratitude
we can continue to face the music

a joke for you

a guy goes to the doctor

he has a stalk of celery sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear and a banana protruding from his nose

he says, "what's wrong with me doc?"

doc says, " I'd say you're not eating right"

A JOKE ~

A new lieutenant in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?"

The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels."

The lieutenant is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he.

The next friday, the young lieutenant slinks over to the camel pens and, after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar.

The same corporal comes in to investigate. "Lieutenant! What are you doing."

"Come on man," replied the embarrassed officer, "You yourself told me we could use the camels on Fridays."

"Yes sir," replied the corporal. "But we just ride them into town."

BUY A DOG

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him,

and never say its not quite as good as his mothers



. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...



. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone who will never touch the remote,

doesn't care about football,

and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies


. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores.



. . .. then buy a dog!


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,

doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old,

who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to,

and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ....



. . ..then buy a dog.



BUT, on the other hand . . .

If you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness . . .




. . .then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna' say... marry a man, didn't you?

DOG RIDING A BICYCLE..REALLY!!!

German Boy Struck By Meteorite

A 14-year old German boy was hit in the hand by a pea-sized meteorite that scared the bejeezus out of him and left a scar.

"When it hit me it knocked me flying and then was still going fast enough to bury itself into the road," Gerrit Blank said in a newspaper account. Astronomers have analyzed the object and conclude it was indeed a natural object from space, The Telegraph reports.

Most meteors vaporize in the atmosphere, creating "shooting stars," and never reach the ground. The few that do are typically made mostly of metals. Stony space rocks, even if they are big as a car, will usually break apart or explode as they crash through the atmosphere.

There are a handful of reports of homes and cars being struck by meteorites, and many cases of space rocks streaking to the surface and being found later.

But human strikes are rare. There are no known instances of humans being killed by space rocks.

According to a SPACE.com article on the topic a few years, back:
On November 30, 1954, Alabama housewife Ann Hodges was taking a nap on her couch when she was awakened by a 3-pound (1.4-kilogram) meteor that crashed through the roof of her house, bounced off a piece of furniture and struck her in the hip, causing a large bruise.
On October 9, 1992, a large fireball was seen streaking over the eastern United States, finally exploding into many pieces. In Peekskill, New York, one of the pieces struck a Chevrolet automobile owned by Michelle Knapp. Knapp was not in the car at the time.
On June 21, 1994, Jose Martin of Spain was driving with his wife near Madrid when a 3-pound (1.4-kilogram) meteor crashed through his windshield, bent the steering wheel and ended up in the back seat.

In 2004, a 2,000-pound space rock bigger than a refrigerator exploded in the late-night sky over Chicago, producing a large flash and a sound resembling a detonation that woke people up. Fragments rained down on that wild Chicago night, and many were collected by residents in a northern suburb.

joke for Thursday

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL I'Il want you to strip naked.When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.' The next night he came home from work and yelled' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!

''What the he!!is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,'she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'