BLACKULA

JOKE: Jacob and the Lottery

A Jew called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue............
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the synagogue................. .
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself :

"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A DAMNED TICKET".

JOKE: I'm Pastor Fuzz

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far along, you might as well finish up."

A UFO CRASHED IN MY YARD !!!

A single small extraterrestrial succumbed in the crash. I have been beseiged by every federal agency known to exist. The CDC is being a huge pain in the Butt. The IRS is here taking inventory and assessing the potential value of this craft and how it affects me. The FBI have taken control and shooed away the local gendarmes but it seems everyone is fighting for position to see who controls this insane scenario. The mayor has taken this opportunity to thump his chest and stump for votes. Everyone is watching me like a hawk and this one photo is all that I've been able to get. In fact they've taken my camera and even examined my computer.One reporter even had the temerity to suggest that this space intruder was a relative. The utter gall of that guy!

The blasted media people are everywhere now and my once quiet life has been turned into utter chaos. Thoughts of a quiet Halloween have disappeared with all the big tv rigs parked in the street and the choppers constantly thwacking overhead.

More news as it becomes available. Cosmo out..

BILL COSBY'S ANSWERS TO AMERICA'S PROBLEMS

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately BANNED!!!. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!

(3). When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you AIN'T gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6). Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life.

(8). Crime -- We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9). One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the EXACT price of a barrel of oil.

(10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said EVERY day at school and every day in CONGRESS.

(12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes .... nevertheless....

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

BILL COSBY

MANBABIES...LOL

Manbabies from Beef & Sage on Vimeo.

A Brilliant Animated Film..A Sundance Film Festival Winner

This way up from javier cuello on Vimeo.

My Favorite Video..I Think LOL

wingsuit base jumping from Ali on Vimeo.

**PIZZA CURES ALL**

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but there is a phone by his bed and it rings.

"This is your doctor. We've gotten the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me???" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."

the Proctologist

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.

Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing!

"On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the Morgue Assistant and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again.

"On the road again . . ."

The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any a**hole can sing country music!"