A blonde went to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt. "Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday shirt?" asked her friend. "It's only Wednesday!" "Oh, crap!" said the blonde. "I thought that meant 'Tits Go In Front!' "
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A family adopted a stray cat but, to their distress, the cat used their new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," the husband reassured then, "I'll have him trained in no time." For several days, the husband patiently taught that cat a lesson by quickly depositing him outdoors whenever the cat scratched the sofa. The cat learned quickly. For the next twelve years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he would add another scratch to the sofa!
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An upset couple entered the marriage counselor's office. "What's bothering you this week?" asked the counselor. "Well," answered the husband, "my wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda. And she wants to go with me!"
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