CAUGHT IN THE ACT

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance and wished that he would take her in his arm, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that.... then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on... as did their growing passion and there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong, their families would not understand, but....so consumed in their passion they didn't hear the door or the click of the light switch... the power was back on...

Check Out This Guy's Dinghy

When you have a personal fortune of �11.7billion, you can perhaps be forgiven for feeling the need for protection.

In Roman Abramovich's case, the solution is to order an armour-plated mega-yacht with missile detection system to offer early warning of attack by pirates or terrorists.

At 550ft long, the vessel, costing more than �200million, will be the largest private yacht ever constructed.

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A �200m floating fortress: An artist's impression of the new yacht displays its impressive size and defence capabilities

It is being built secretly at the shipyard in Germany which produced the World War II battleship the Bismarck.

The yacht will include radar equipment designed to warn the crew of incoming rockets, together with bullet-proof windows and armour plating on the bridge and around the 41-year-old Russian tycoon's cabin.

There will be twin helicopter pads and anti-bugging equipment, while the crew of 70 will include former SAS and Special Boat Service personnel.

If intruders make it on board the Eclipse, named because it is intended to overshadow all other private boats, Abramovich and his girlfriend Daria Zhukova, 26, could escape in a yellow submarine which can dive to 160ft.

Roman Abramovich and Daria Zhukova: The tycoon is not taking any chances against pirates and other potential attackers at sea

The tycoon's other yachts - the 377ft Pelorus, 282ft Ecstasea and 160ft Sussurro - are not believed to have missile defence systems or submarines.

And with a growing number of pirates operating in the world's oceans, the Chelsea Football (soccer) Club owner does not want to take any chances.

Should he decide to sail to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, he will be prepared for an attack by gangs such as the Somali pirates who seized a Ukrainian cargo ship loaded with Russian tanks before demanding a large ransom less than a fortnight ago.

According to the International Maritime Bureau, pirates attacked 269 vessels last year, took nearly 300 hostages and killed five people.

Even the Mediterranean, where Abramovich usually keeps his yachts, is becoming less safe.

The 377ft Pelorus will soon be playing second fiddle to Abramovich's newest ship - the 550ft Eclipse

In August, a gang boarded a �20million yacht off Corsica and robbed guests and crew of �100,000.

Under maritime law, non-naval ships are banned from carrying firearms. Some yacht owners are adopting high-powered water cannon, earsplitting klaxons and lubricant foam intended to make boarders slip.

Diane Byrne, editor of Power and Motoryacht News, said pirates and terrorists were an increasing worry for private yacht owners.

'Piracy isn't a problem limited to Somalia,' she said. 'It can and unfortunately does happen around the world.'

Abramovich's yacht will also have cabins for 24 guests as well as a cinema, aquarium, disco and hospital.

Is This Guy Trying To Tell Us Something?

The picture shows that this soldier has been thru Survival School and learned his lessons well. He's giving the sign of "coercion" with his left hand. These hand signs are taught in survival school to be used by POW's as a method of posing messages back to our intelligence services who may view the photo or video. This guy was obviously being coerced into shaking hands with Hillary Clinton. It's ironic how little she knew that he would so inform us about the photo---perhaps because she's never understood our military to begin with.

*HOW TO DEAL WITH A JACKASS*

An owner offered one hundred dollars to anyone who could make his horse laugh. Only one man was up for the challenge and he took the horse into a room and when he brought the horse out it was laughing so hard it pissed on the floor. The owner said he'd give another hundred dollars if the man could make the horse cry. The man took the horse into the same room and when he brought it out, the horse was crying a river.

"How did you do it?" asked the owner.

"Well," the man replied, "to make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry I showed him."

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

JOKE: 12 Priests

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached t o his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up...

and all the other bells started to ring.