* The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
* If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
* It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
* If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
* Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
* WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
* Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
* Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
* There's nothing like a good belch.
* Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
* Never pay retail.
* Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
* No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
* The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
* And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
* If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
* Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
* Always whisper the names of diseases.
* One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
* If you don't eat, it will kill me.
* Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
* The most important word to know in any language is sale.
* Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
* Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
* Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
* Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
* Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
* Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
* The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended.
* You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
* A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
* A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
* Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
* Before you read the menu, read the prices.
* There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
* According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
* Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
* If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
* No meal is complete without leftovers.
* What business is a yenta in? Yours.
* If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
* The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
* Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
* Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
thnx Old Fart
