I Hate Valentine's Day

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit

So there's the story, what else can I say?
Love bites my ass, so screw Valentines Day!

VIDEO: Computer Bug

A praying mantis is trying to catch the cursor on a computer

YUMMMMMMM CAKE!!

Russian Farmer Planted Landmines to Ward Off Thieves

A Russian farmer has been convicted of planting landmines around his field to ward off trespassers.

Alexander Skopintsev, from the eastern region of Primorye near China's border, laid the three devices on his land after building them in his garage.

The 73-year-old had apparently been concerned about the frequent theft of potatoes from his farm.

He was arrested after an intruder set off one of the tripwire-style mines in August and was injured in the blast.

Skopintsev was convicted for the unlawful construction and storage of weapons and received a two-and-a-half year suspended sentence.

"Skopintsev testified that he had prepared the explosive devices to protect his garden against thieves," regional prosecutors said.

Woman Chases Rat Back Down Toilet

A Winston-Salem NC woman used a plunger and an empty container of kitty litter to wrangle a rat back into her toilet before flushing it.

With her video camera rolling, Kara Weatherman coaxed the rat from behind the bathroom sink, jabbing at it with the handle of a plunger, until it suddenly jumped into the toilet. She quickly turned an empty kitty litter container upside down over the toilet seat.

"I was as scared of it as it was of me," she said. "I was just kind of winging it."

A few seconds later, Weatherman peaks under the container and catches the rat swimming down into the toilet. She then flushes twice. "I just thank God it went back down the toilet," she said.

JOKE: the Spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'