JOKE: Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day...

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,

"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

JOKE: A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult.

A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge...Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels.

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible!

Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."

$30,000 benefits so this father of seven can keep his children in video games... and pay his huge booze bill

Their loud and drunken behavior makes the lives of their neighbors a misery - and it is all being funded by state handouts of $30,000 a year.

Residents are petitioning to have Jane and Lee Houghton, their five youngest children and a grandson evicted.

But with a new bathroom and kitchen on its way, paid for by the council, and a house filled with numerous games consoles, computers and TVs they have no intention of moving.

And Mr Houghton yesterday insisted they need more money.
The 42-year-old is paid $225 a month disability allowance because he has a 'personality disorder' which makes him 'kick off in crowds'. He has not worked since 1999 and says drinking alcohol helps him cope with his condition.
He has been threatened with an Asbo for violent behavior as well as being drunk and disorderly and has 24 previous convictions.

Houghtons: Left to right, Chelsea, her son Dion, Lee, Summer, Jane, Chanelle and Emma

The comfortable lifestyle of the Houghton family is funded by benefits including $960 income support, $318 carer's allowance a month as well as Mr Houghton's $225 disability allowance.

Their four-bedroom semi- detached house in Crawley, West Sussex, is paid for by housing benefit.

The Houghtons boast about spending $1500 on each of their children at Christmas. They have seven children and their eldest daughter, Emma, has her own council home.

Mrs Houghton told Closer magazine: 'I only get carer's allowance because my 16-year- old daughter Chelsea has ADHD.

'We get disability allowance for Lee too because of his personality disorder, but we should get more.

'They've even stopped giving me child benefit for Chelsea because she's a mum now - yet they won't give her a council house until she's 18 - it's so unfair!'

She added: 'We only get $225 a month disability allowance for Lee, which isn't enough. His personality disorder makes him really moody so he should get more.'

The couple have been together since Mr Houghton was 17 and his wife was 14. They had their first child Lee, now aged 23, a year later, followed by Emma, 20, James, 18, Chelsea Ann Stamford Bridge, 16 - named after Mr Houghton's favorite football team and their home ground - Joanne, 14, Jack, ten, and Summer, two.
They share their home with their five youngest children and Chelsea's son Dion, ten months.

Emma lives with three-year- old daughter Chanelle in her own council home. Their only child with a job is eldest son Lee, who works as a cleaner.
'We use our money to spoil our kids - they've got everything,' said Mrs Houghton. 'We've got a computer and a laptop, four TVs, two Xboxes, three DVD players and we've all got mobile phones.'

The Houghtons moved to their current home in 2001 after being evicted from their previous house for failing to pay the rent, despite receiving housing benefit which covered it.

They freely admit they 'did it on purpose' as they wanted a new home.
Mrs Houghton said: 'We made up some b******t about Lee chucking me out as we knew if we played the game I'd get another house.' Since
moving in, the family has made the lives of their neighbors hell, blasting out loud music from their home, while Mr Houghton drunkenly falls over in the street and rides his motorbike on the pavement.

His previous convictions are mainly for drink-related offences, such as swearing at police officers and shouting abuse at people in the street.
But he insists it is his family who are being picked on.
'We've had enough of being branded thugs. We're a good family,' said Mr Houghton.

'The old woman opposite us was always watching my kids out of her window and moaning about them being loud. About ten of our neighbors signed her petition.'

He added: 'Drinking helps me cope with my personality disorder. I start with a bottle of Jack Daniels then have a few cans of cider. By the afternoon I can hardly walk.'
'If people want to work, good for them. I would if I could, but I'm too ill.'
A former neighbor described Mr Houghton as a 'nasty bully'.

Wearing your "I own the pussy,so I make the rules" shirt in court not a good idea

A Round Lake Park Illinois woman was held in contempt and jailed for two days for the message on her T-shirt.

The message was: "I own the pussy, so I make the rules."

Jennifer LaPenta, 19, was released from the Lake County Jail Tuesday.

"They should be out looking for people who are breaking the law, not arresting someone wearing a T-shirt," LaPenta said.

Associate Judge Helen Rozenburg charged LaPenta with contempt of court for wearing the garment in her courtroom Monday. LaPenta was sitting in the gallery waiting for a friend's case to be called when the judge called her forward.

Rozenburg asked LaPenta if she thought her shirt was appropriate.

LaPenta said she told the judge that it would have been inappropriate had she been the defendant.

Rozenburg immediately sentenced her to 48 hours in jail and had her cuffed, LaPenta said.

LaPenta contends that she never went to bond court or got to call her mother.

"They just threw me in jail. They never told me what I was going to jail for," LaPenta said.

LaPenta said that she had been at a gym Monday when her friend asked her for a ride to the courthouse. She was wearing sweat pants and that T-shirt when she was cuffed and jailed.

"All the officers thought it was hilarious -- it was humiliating," LaPenta said.

LaPenta said she bought the shirt in the gay section of Spencer's. She said she is openly homosexual and said the judge was a "homophobe" for putting her in custody for wearing the shirt.

"I'm shocked that the judge took the actions she did. She could have asked her to remove her shirt or leave the courtroom," said Peter Kalagis, LaPenta's attorney. "To me, that was an extreme action."

LaPenta said the judge did not give her an opportunity to turn her shirt inside out or exit the courtroom.

Rozenburg said she could not comment on this case.

Chief Judge Victoria Rossetti confirmed that it was at the discretion of the court to determine what behavior constitutes contempt. She also said she could not comment on the case.

Kalagis said it was too early to determine if a civil suit would be filed. He did say that they planned to sit down with the judge and discuss the matter to ensure this did not happen to anyone else.

"Her merely wearing the shirt didn't inferfere with the administration of justice," Kalagis said.

JOKE: An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship

An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises. (OK, OK, so this is an old one..) The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts, "Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!"

Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: "Oh YEAH?"

The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing Atlantic) and swim around the ship!"

Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!"

The American has to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives him the order:

"Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship seven times!"

Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The American General says: "Now top that for courage!"

So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around watching these antics silently. They ask him: "What about your people?"

So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: "Trevor, jump off the mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?"

Trevor stares at his general.

"Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast."

"Yes."

"And swim under the keel"

"Yes."

"You must be daft!"

And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British General turns to the other two and says,

"Now there's an example of TRUE courage!"