JOKE: A man walked up to the woman sitting alone at the bar

A man walked up to the woman sitting alone at the bar. "I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm concerned; I mean, we might hit it off, end up having some drinks, and the next thing you know you give me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it. I finally get up the nerve to call, we go to a movie, have dinner. I relax, you relax. We go out a few more times, meet each other's friends, spend time together, get past our sexual tension, and develop an intense, incredible sex life. We decide our relationship is solid, move in together, later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You want kids, but I want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I'm resentful. The sparks start to fade and, to rekindle them, we have two more kids. Then I have to work too much to pay the bills and have no time for you. You get stressed and stop taking care of yourself. Your low sex drive and my declining self-confidence cause me have an affair, merely for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar and you throw me out, justifiably so. Then we have to explain to the kids that mommy and daddy are splitting up and it's not their fault. That's so sad. Think about the kids. So... if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going!"

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Spanish woman claims ownership of the sun

A Spanish woman says she now owns the sun after she filed papers with lawyers at her home at Vigo Galicia in Spain. Angela Duran, 41, said: "International law forbids anyone to claim a planet, but nobody ever said anything about stars and the sun is a star.

"I checked and found that despite all the people buying stars no-one had purchesed the Sun in our solar system and, as it was free, I decided to take it. My lawyer laughed when I filed my claim but he checked with the officials that register such things and discovered it was possible.

"I now have a certificate that says I am the owner of the sun, described as a star of spectral type G2, located in the centre of the solar system, located at an average distance from earth of about 149,600,000 miles ...'."

"I am trying to have it recognised internationally. Then I plan to make a tax for solar power users." She added: "I will use 50 per cent for a sun state budget, 20 per cent for solar pensioners, another 20 per cent for research and health and 10 per cent to end hunger on earth."

Girl, 7, runs up �250 bill on Facebook game while parents watch

A seven-year-old girl racked up a �250 bill in under an hour after playing a game on Facebook. Megan Fox, from Birmingham, spent the money while sitting next to her parents on 'Petville' which allows users to purchase virtual clothes and furniture for a make-believe pet. On returning from school, Megan had asked her parents if she could play the game. As her parents don't allow her to have her own Facebook account, her father Mathew, 35, let her log in to his account so he could supervise her.

He said: 'She was sat next to me playing the game, asking me and her mum which dresses we preferred. We played along, suggesting which ones to buy, not realising that she was actually spending money.' Mathew had forgotten to log off his stored Paypal payment details on the computer before she started playing - which meant that she ran up a bill without even realising. It was only an hour after Megan had finished playing when Mathew checked his e-mails that he realised what had happened. He found four receipts on his iPad, one for almost U.S. $170.

'I got all these receipts from Paypal. I opened the e-mails and added them all up. I found that she'd spent $400 dollars,' he said. Staff at the social networking site and Paypal, who process the online transactions, have so far refused to refund the money. In e-mails to the couple, they said that, because the payment was made by someone within the Fox household, the rules for unauthorized transactions do not apply. Dawn, 33, and Mathew said that they were 'shocked' when the receipts came through. Mathew said: 'We couldn't believe that she'd spent all that money in such a short time, but we thought that something could be done about it.

'But both Facebook and Paypal have replied basically saying tough, she's in your household so its authorized.' Under the site's rules, if someone in the account holder's household, or somebody known to them makes an unauthorized online purchase, they are not eligible for a refund. Megan's mother Dawn said: 'I think it's outrageous that, not once in four transactions, were we asked to confirm any details. If something had come up she'd have asked her dad and he would've clocked on. It was only because of the e-mails that we realized. If we hadn't got the e-mails my bank account would be completely empty.' The pair called for more security measures to ensure that children can't accidentally spend their parents' money.

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Joke: Piano Player

A ragged old man stinking of whiskey and cigarettes shuffled into a bar, his hands shaking as he gave the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the front window to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The bar-keep was doubtful, but business was falling off and he needed to do something. "Piano's over there. Let's hear what you've got." The old man stumbled over to the piano and within seconds, the bar grew silent. They heard a rhapsody of sound and music like nothing they'd ever heard before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender handed the guy a beer. "That was great, pops! What do you call that?" "I call it, 'Drop Your Drawers, Toots, You're Gonna Meet Your Match Tonight.' " "Well..." started the barkeep, but the old boy was off and playing already. They heard a knee-slappin', hand-clappin' ragtime showpiece that had the joint jumping. People off the street came in just to hear this guy play. When he finished, he acknowledged the applause and said, "Thank you, folks. That was 'Big Tits Make My Afterburner Smoke!' " As he lurched off to the men's room, the bartender realized he just had to keep this guy, no matter how bad he looked or smelled, or what he named his music. So when he returned from the men's room, the bartender went over to him to tell him he had the job. On the way, he noticed that the old man's fly was unzipped, exposing his member. He whispered, "You got the job all right, pops, but do you know your fly is undone and your dick's hanging out?" "Know it?" snorted the oldtimer, "Hell, I wrote it!"