'Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,

There were hackers a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.

The emails were stacked by the modem with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,

While visions of Javascript danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa, and me with a snack,

Had just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,

I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my ol' Mac flew like a flash,

Then made a slight gurgle and started to crash.

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,

Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,

Then Nick glanced at my screen and Mac called them by name:

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!" my speaker did reel.

"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal.

"Jump on the circuits! And into the chip!

Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing rip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,

Then into my room came a full hologram!

He was dressed all in red, from his head to his shoes,

Which were black (with white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his pack.

He looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!

This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,

Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word. Gave my Mac a quick poke,

And accessed my hard drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive and added a DIMM,

And threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!

He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,

Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!

My eyes widened a bit at the work of this gnome,

As he instantly added a new version of Chrome.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,

St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,

Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,Back into the net with barely a blink.

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,

"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

THIS IS THE ULTIMATE SNOWBLOWER

PRICELESS: MASTERCARD WEDDING LOL

This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University .
It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage
with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's family
and his family and to thank his new father-in-law
for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy
of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of
church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations
in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best
man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's MASTERCARD

PLEASE VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE MUGSHOT OF 2009

Charles Manson, 75-year-old murderer, was photographed in March by the California Department of Corrections. These senior sisters were caught selling smack This guy was arrested for domestic violence after attending a costume party with his fianc�. He apparently was a clown. Plaxico Burress, former/future? football star, was photographed by the New York State Department of Correctional Services in September 2009. You're entitled to one phone call and one mug shot in custody. Sometimes simultaneously. mime? This Floridian was jailed on a felony domestic battery by strangulation charge. Vince "ShamWow" Shlomi was busted for a violent run-in with a mouthy hooker. Principal Tredway DUI Wig confiscated, murderer Phil Spector was photographed by the California Department of Corrections in June The cops really should have been giving her the finger There are better disguises than those afforded by a Sharpie marker In most years, a guy arrested for drunk driving while wearing a Breathalyzer costume would take top honors. This U.S. Marshals Service photo of Bernard Madoff was released following his March guilty plea to swindling billions from widows, orphans, corporate titans, and investment funds.

You will notice some familiar faces that I've blogged in the past. In my continuing pursuit of justice and all things amusing you will undoubtedly see more of this type of thing in the future.

LOOK OUT! IT'S A SAUSAGE BOMB

Chinese police were held in a hour-long stand-off with a suspected suicide bomber only to find the man was armed with sausages.

Police believed that the straps and bulky items around Sing He's waist were dynamite and detonators.

Mr He, 23, threatened to blow up a restaurant and its customers in Benxi, northern China, unless the staff handed over the contents of the till.

But a specialist bomb unit called to the scene quickly determined that the device was assembled with pork products.

"When we saw what he had round his waist we couldn't help laughing. Some of the sausages still had the wrappers on them," said one bomb squad officer. "It must have been terrifying for the customers but those things would only have gone off if you'd kept them past their sell by date."

Mr He told police he had planned the raid because he was depressed after breaking up with his girlfriend. He said: "I needed some excitement in my life and to that extent it was a success."

JOKE: Bill Clinton Wakes Up to a Beautiful Winter Morning

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground.

He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words President Clinton sucks written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn t care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. OK, says Clinton, give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.

The Chief says: The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.

Clinton nods and the Chief continues: The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.

This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, It's in Hilary's hand writing .

HOLIDAY DOWNSIZING

Holiday Downsizing

To: All Employees

From: Management

Date: December 23, 2009

Subject: Holiday Downsizing

Seasons Greetings:

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School , is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. (After all, everyone loves the French.)

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing" ), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.