JOKE: when his daughter starts dating...

Doug asked, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?" Bill said, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, 'Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember this: I don't mind going back to prison!' "

DAFFY-NITIONS

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.

HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation.

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

DONKEY BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

VIDEO: How Many Illegal Mexicans in this Van?

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VIDEO: Mexican toddler involved in jewelry heist

An apparent jewelry heist in Mexico involving a young child has been captured on CCTV. In shop security footage a woman, who appeared to be the child's mother, distracted shop staff while the boy removed several items from display cabinets.

The woman then told the employees that her car was illegally parked and the pair quickly left the shop in Oaxaca that specialises in silver products. Twenty minutes later, the clerks noticed over $375 worth of merchandise missing.

Saleswoman Ana Lilia Hernandez said they did not suspect the woman and child until the store owner saw the theft on the store's security video. "After about 20 minutes, we realised that the piece (of jewelry) was missing, that it wasn't in the cabinet that we have in front which was open.

"But we were never suspected the boy and the lady because the lady came with a boy who was a bit naughty but that was it, he was walking back and forth but we never suspected it was that customer," she said. The store owner reported the crime but police have yet to make an arrest in the case.

JOKE: Crisco

As usual, Ted was standing in the bar bathroom again after too many beers when he happened to glance over and noticed the size of Vern's privates.

Ted said, "Vern, this may sound weird, but back in high school you weren't so huge. What happened?"

Vern replied, "Well, Ted, I learned something a while back. Every night I coat it with lard."

"Really?" said Ted, silently resolving to try this new secret. He stopped at a store, bought a can of Crisco, and rubbed himself with it every night for weeks. A few weeks later, he again bumped into Vern at the urinals.

Vern glanced down and cried, "Damn, Ted, what have you been doing to yourself?!"

Ted replied, "It's your fault! I followed your directions and rubbed it with Crisco like you said."

"Fool!" said Vern. "I said 'lard,' not 'shortening!' "