JOKE: A newcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon

A newcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon when a cowboy ran through the swinging doors, yelling, "Big Jake's a'comin'!" The place immediately emptied, leaving the newcomer and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, soon a seven-foot-tall, 350-pound cowboy swaggered in, barely fitting through the double doors. He glanced around the saloon and, seeing no one but our friend, marched over to him, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, threw him over the bar, and bellowed, "Gimme whiskey!" The shaken man complied, found a full bottle, and placed it and a glass on the bar. The huge cowboy bit the glass neck right off the bottle, spat it on the floor, and emptied the fifth in one giant swig. Our friend, not sure what to do next, timidly asked, "Uh, do you want another?" The cowboy growled, "Nope. Gotta go. Big Jake's a'comin'!"

Too Short

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Spanish piglet suckled by her canine carer

The Iberic piglet was due to be sold for Christmas dinner but was turned down by the butcher in Caceres, in Spain's Extramadura region, for being too small.

Now the piglet is being looked after by the family dog, Diana, who has welcomed it as part of her litter.

Man Dressed As Jesus Kicked Out Of Church

A man dressed as Jesus was kicked out of a St. Louis area church Sunday. Police were even called to get in the middle of the spiritual showdown. "We're called to be ambassadors for Jesus Christ, ambassadors should represent, and that's what I do. I try to represent my Lord and savior Jesus Christ," said Neal Thompson Monday night, wearing the same white robe and cross, and carrying the same staff he's been using every Sunday for 22 years.

He dresses up like Jesus every week, going to a new church every week, he says, to spread his Christian message.

"He said 'Take up your cross, your breastplate, and your staff and follow in Jesus Christ's footsteps and wear a white robe to show your sincerity,'" he said. "That's my job, to spread the word."

He says he is questioned most weeks, but then welcomed. But when he tried to enter St. Paul's Lutheran Church in Des Peres, he was not allowed in.

"One of the deacons saw me," he said, "and when I went in the church he met me and he said, 'Can I help you? What do you want?' I said, 'I want to go to church here today.' And he said, 'What do you believe in? Are you Christian? What religion are you?' I said, 'I'm a Christian.'"

Thompson said he was not allowed in the sanctuary. Church members told him he'd have to sit in the hallway.

"And I said, 'Well this ain't right, you guys ain't treating me right.' He said, 'We're gonna call the police.' I said, 'Well call them, I don't care. Call them.' So I sat down and the next thing I know four or five police showed up."

The church secretary referred us to Des Peres police, who did not even write a report. They say Thompson wasn't causing a scene, but they asked him to leave and he did, peacefully.

"Oh I forgive them, I forgive them," said Thompson.

He said this was only the second time he's been kicked out of a church in the last 22 years.

He says he'll try to go to St. Paul's Lutheran again some day, but police told him he should try to set up an appointment with the pastor before his next visit.

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JOKE: An English soldier, fighting in the trenches of World War I

An English soldier, fighting in the trenches of World War I, asked his commanding officer, "Sir, what is the most common German name?"

"Schultz," replied the officer. "Why?"

"Sir, I have an idea! Watch this." He climbed up the trench wall, steadied his rifle, and yelled, "Hey! Schultz!"

"Jawohl?" came the reply and a German soldier looked out of his trench for whomever had called him. Bang! the Englishman shot him. The officer was impressed, but unconvinced this wasn't a fluke.

"Show me again, private," he instructed.

"Yes, sir." The soldier moved down the trench a short way, steadied his rifle, and again called, "Hey! Schultz!"

"Jawohl?" Bang! Another dead enemy. Excited by his discovery, the soldier moved through the trenches, periodically calling out, "Hey! Schultz!" and sure enough: "Jawohl?" Bang! "Jawohl?" Bang! Things were going well until one German soldier realized what was happening. He asked his officer, "Mein, Herr. Vat is a common English name?" "John. Vy?" "Danke, mein Herr!" said the German soldier, steadied his rifle, and cried, "Hey! John!" He waited for an English reply, but heard nothing. "Maybe they didn't hear me," he thought and tried again: "Hey! John!" Again, nothing.

Frustrated, he shouted, "HEY! JOHN!" Came the reply, "That you, Schultz?" "Jawohl?" Bang!