JOKE: Dear Ann Landers

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin. They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fianc�e utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our eam. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fianc�e and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?

GOT CAPTION? 2/5 v.3.0

VIDEO: Anchorwoman Sausage Freudian Slip 'Boner'

While discussing an upcoming sausage festival that she will be judging, this anchorwoman makes the Freudian slip everyone expects her to make. When trying to pronounced the appropriate website to purchase ticket to the event, the anchorwoman keeps making the same mistake over and over. Her co-anchor dumbly says, ‘Well, you’re thinking about sausage…’ 

 

COOL: Indonesian twins reunited after finding each other in Sweden 30 years later

Twins born in Indonesia and put up separately for adoption, have been reunited after finding each other living just 25 miles apart, in southern Sweden, three decades later. Non-identical twins Emilie Falk and Lin Backman – strangers until last year – were separated nearly 29 years ago. According to a DNA test the pair had done two months after reuniting in January last year, and which they shared with AFP, there is a 99.98 per cent chance of them being sisters. A complex string of events led up to that revelation. 

Both were adopted from an orphanage in Semarang in northern Indonesia by Swedish couples, but there was no mention in either of their documents of the fact that they had a twin. When Backman's parents left the orphanage with her all those years ago, the taxi driver had turned around and asked them: "What about the other one, the sister?" and they jotted the girls' Indonesian names down on a piece of paper. The name helped Backman's parents track down the Falks back in Sweden, and the two families got together a few times when the girls were babies to compare notes. "They went through the adoption papers, but they didn't think we were very similar and there was a lot in the papers that didn't add up ... And there were no DNA tests back then," Falk said. 

Among the discrepancies were different names for the girls' fathers. And although the records showed they had the same mother, the families eventually decided that this too was an error. The two couples in the end wrote off the idea and eventually lost touch. Although their parents had told them the story as children, both Falk and Backman later forgot about it. Growing up, neither was interested in information about their biological background, so they never asked. "But when I got married two years ago I started thinking about family and my adoption, and when I asked my mother she told me this story again, and I decided to look for Lin," Falk said. She had a name and began searching through a network for Indonesian children adopted by Swedish families, and found her on Facebook. "I am born on March 18, 1983 in Semarang and my biological mother's name is Maryati Rajiman," Falk said she wrote, and quickly received the reply: "Wow, that's my mother's name as well! And that's my birthday!" 

They found they had a lot in common. They lived only 40 kilometres apart in the very south of Sweden, they are both teachers, they got married on the same day only one year apart and even danced to the same wedding song: "You and Me" by Lifehouse. "It was really strange," Falk said. "When Lin called me (with the DNA test results), I remember I was sitting in the car and when she told me I started laughing, because it just felt so strange," she said, adding: "I suddenly started thinking that we shared a womb. It was really strange, but really cool too." Since then the two have kept in close touch, and have talked about going to Indonesia to search for their biological parents.

Burglar gets beaten, thrown off balcony in Washington

FEDERAL WAY -- A burglar got more than he bargained for Monday morning when he broke into a Federal Way apartment.

That's because one of the residents, a 20-year-old boxer named Colton Vaughn, didn't take kindly to the crime and beat the burglar before throwing him off a third-story balcony.

Vaughn said he woke up early Monday morning to get a glass of water in the kitchen of the two-bedroom apartment he shares with his brother, Kirk, and his wife, Alexandria.

It didn't take long for him to realize that something was wrong.

"I started to drink it, and it was really, really cold inside, and I was like, 'why is it so cold?' And I felt a cold breeze coming from the sliding glass door," he said.

Just then, he looked over and saw a man wearing a ski mask and gloves coming at him.

"I knew immediately that he was here either to harm me or to steal our stuff," Vaughn said.

Had the burglar known what was in store for him, he likely would have turned around and left.

Vaughn said as the burglar approached him, he decided it would be a good time to put his seven years of boxing skills to use.

"So I started hitting him," he said. "I hit him about six or seven time. I was yelling, 'Kirk! There's somebody in the house.'"

Moments later, Kirk came rushing out of his bedroom, ready to back up his brother.

"And I came running out with my pistol," Kirk said. "(As) soon as I came out here I was right here with my gun, had the hammer cocked back."

But by the time Kirk made made it to the living room, the burglar had assessed the situation and made a beeline for the sliding glass door to escape.

With his adrenaline pumping, Vaughn gave him a lift.

"I grabbed him by the collar and the back of his belt, I threw him right over the balcony," he said. "He put off a little bit of a scream and when he hit the ground is when he made a loud thud and was like, 'ughh' really really loud."

After the encounter, the brothers ran downstairs to find the burglar, but he was already gone.

Police tried to pick up the man's scent using a K9 unit, but didn't have much success.

http://www.seattlepi.com/local/komo/article/Burglar-gets-beaten-thrown-off-balcony-in-2865424.php

Motorcyclist chases down hit-and-run suspect hog ties him with his belt

Nicholas Ray Colunga

As he sat on his motorcycle waiting at a red light downtown, Sisto Perez joked with the man and two women crossing in front of him about how hard it would be to find a cab at 2 a.m. on a Friday morning.

Then he remembers seeing a flash of light in his mirror and feeling a blast of wind pass by him.

The driver of a Chevrolet Impala had run the red light and crashed into the pedestrians, critically injuring four-year University of Texas soccer player Kylie Doniak and hurting two other people, officials said Friday.

"That guy ran that light, and just ran them over. He didn't even stop. I don't think there's skid marks out there," Perez said.

That's when the 47-year-old private contractor and father of four chased after the driver on his motorcycle.

"I couldn't just sit there and watch him hit those people and drive off," he said.

By Friday morning, friends of Doniak were posting public messages on Facebook and Twitter urging prayers for her recovery. Doniak, from Chino Hills, Calif., had won several awards as a forward for the Longhorn soccer team, according to the University of Texas athletics website.

She remained in critical condition late Friday at University Medical Center Brackenridge, a hospital spokeswoman said.

Doniak's parents arrived at Brackenridge on Friday from California, UT officials said.

"We and the family appreciate the outreach and outpouring of support for Kylie," UT women's athletics director Chris Plonsky said in a statement. "She is a beloved student-athlete, not just here but in the entire collegiate soccer community. We appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers on her behalf."

The suspect in the hit-and-run crash was identified as 22-year-old Nicholas Ray Colunga, who was booked Friday on three charges: two counts of failure to stop and render aid and intoxication assault, police said.

Colunga was taken into custody after Perez chased him down nearly a mile away and detained him until police arrived, said senior police officer Veneza Agui�aga.

Colunga was booked into the Travis County Jail shortly after 5 a.m. and remained jailed late Friday, according to jail records.

Perez said that after he witnessed the crash, he drove his 1100cc Suzuki motorcycle from the site at East Eighth Street and San Jacinto Boulevard and chased the Impala.

Perez said he briefly lost sight of the driver, but then heard a crash and caught up. Perez pulled up close to the car, he said, yelling at the driver to get out.

The driver stopped to look at him, Perez said, then crashed around West 10th and Rio Grande streets before coming to a stop.

Perez said he reached into the car to pull out the driver, who appeared to be intoxicated and was vomiting. Using a belt, he hogtied the man and detained him until police arrived.

"I wanted to make sure he wasn't going anywhere," Perez said.

The crash also injured a man and woman, police and emergency service officials said Friday.

The woman was treated at the scene, while the man was treated for minor injuries at UMC Brackenridge, said Warren Hassinger, spokesman for Austin-Travis County EMS.

Perez said it was not the first time he has gone after someone on his motorcycle.

A few months ago, he said, he chased down a drunken driver who struck a bicyclist on 45th Street and took the person's car keys away until police arrived.

Perez said an officer recognized him Friday, asking him, "Didn't you try to do this about nine months ago?"

Perez said Friday morning that he was merely following an example set by his father.

"My daddy didn't bring up cowards," he said. "A man has to step up when he needs to step up."

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