Method #86 to Kill Your Attorney: Golf Cart

A twilight round of golf turned tragic Wednesday on the Evanston Country Club course in Skokie.

Attorney Larry Schad, of Kenilworth, Illinois died from “multiple crushing injuries” after he was found trapped under an electric golf cart, authorities said.

Skokie firefighters responded to a report of a “down golfer” about 4 p.m. after a fellow golfer spotted him trapped under a cart and called for help. Schad was taken to St. Francis Hospital and later died.

Skokie police are investigating Schad’s death, which was ruled an accident by the medical examiner’s office.

“Another golfer first saw a cart, but there wasn’t anyone around it. They came back a few minutes later and saw something under it . . . a person,” Skokie Sgt. Michael Krupnik said. “We’re investigating what happened. Right now we don't know.”

JOKE: the Ballerina

A woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar, raised her right arm revealing her hairy armpit, pointed at everyone in the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent, except for one old drunk at the end of the bar. "Give the ballerina a drink!" he bellowed. The bartender did so and the woman chugged it right down. She immediately turned again to everyone in the bar, pointed at them in turn, revealing that very same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" And again the same old drunk slapped his money down on the bar and bellowed, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender did so, but as he picked up the drunk's money he said, "Listen, pal, it's okay with me if you buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a 'ballerina'?" And the old drunk replied, "Son, you don't get to be my age without knowing that only a ballerina can lift her leg that high!"

Woman Utters Line Never Previously Recorded In A Police Report

Meet Melissa Lee Williams. The West Virginia woman, 41, is facing assault and weapons charges after allegedly waving a knife at two men who declined her demands to engage in sexual conduct at a motor inn.
The October 22 incident is detailed in an amusing/gross Jackson County Sheriff’s Department report excerpted here.
According to investigators, Williams--who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn--showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to “eat my pussy.” At this point, Williams, pictured in the mug shot at right, “commenced to undress herself,” reported Deputy Ross Mellinger.
While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.” However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.” Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.”
This is when Melissa Williams allegedly “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”
When Deputy Mellinger arrived on the scene he observed Williams--who, like the two men, appeared to be intoxicated--nude from the waist down. After pocketing a knife that was on the coffee table in front of Williams, Mellinger arrested her for domestic assault and brandishing a deadly weapon.
Williams, who was released from jail after posting $3000 bond, is next due in Jackson County Magistrate Court on February 16.

JOKE: the Friendly Skies

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain.

We're on our final descent ..  I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.’

He forgets to switch off the intercom.

Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....

Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner....

I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............

He's gotta land the plane and have a shit first.'

Student told to take U.S. flag off bike

DENAIR, Calif., Nov. 11 (UPI) -- Officials in a California school district said a middle school student was told to take a U.S. flag off his bike to avoid "racial tension."

Denair Unified School District Superintendent Edward Parraz said Cody Alicea, 13, was told not to fly the U.S. flag from his bike while at Denair Middle School after complaints from other students.

"(The) First Amendment is important," Parraz said. "We want the kids to respect it, understand it, and with that comes a responsibility."

Parraz said racial tensions boiled over at the school this year around the Cinco de Mayo holiday.

"Our Hispanic, you know, kids will, you know, bring their Mexican flags and they'll display it, and then of course the kids would do the American flag situation, and it does cause kind of a racial tension which we don't really want," Parraz said. "We want them to appreciate the cultures."

Alicea's parents said he flies the flag from his bike as a tribute to veterans in his family.

"He's got that flag on his bike because he's proud of where he comes from," Alicea's father, Robert Kisner, said.

Alicea folds up the flag and keeps it in his backpack while attending class.

Chinese man's shackles have grown into his skin

Astonished doctors are trying to save the hands of tormented Zhang Chuanqiu who was chained so tightly in an illegal prison that his flesh grew over his shackles.

Zhang, 27, had been chained to a cowshed in Hunan, southern China, in 2005 after falling out with village officials over a loan to build his house. But his chains had been so agonizingly tight that Zhang's own flesh began to absorb them.

"The only person who did not give up on me was my mother who waited for her time and rescued me," he explained. Now Zhang is trying to raise the �1,000 surgeons have told him he needs for an operation to remove the chains and save his hands from further infection.

"They cause me a lot of pain. They are always inflamed and ooze pus all the time. But we have no money so I have to rely on charity or the good heart of a hospital or doctor to save my hands," he said.