| Important Things with Demetri Martin | ||||
| Attention - Bruce the Funny Dog | ||||
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I like to post videos,crazy news items and jokes..if I make you laugh,I am rewarded in knowing that I made your day better...
Saturday, February 6, 2010
VIDEO: BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG
APPLICATION TO LIVE IN WEST VIRGINIA
APPLICATION TO LIVE IN WEST VIRGINIA
Name:______________ Nickname:____________ CB Handle:____________
Address: (RFD):_________________________________________________
Daddy: (If unknown attach list of three suspects):_____________________
Mamma:_______________________________
Neck Shade: [] Light Red [] Medium Red [] Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper:______ Lower:________
Name of Pickup Owned:______________ Height of truck:__________
Truck Equipped with: [] Gun Rack [] 4-Wheel Drive [] Confederate Flag [] Toothpick Holder [] 8-Track [] Load of Wood [] Hijacker Shocks [] Mud-grip Tires [] Big Dog [] Racoon Hide [] Dual CB Antenna [] Fuzz Buster [] Spitoon [] Camper Top [] Mag Wheels [] Air Horns [] Mud Flaps
Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:_________
Bumper Stickers: [] Eat More Possum [] Peanut Butter [] Honk if You Love Jesus [] Wave if You're Horny [] Redman Chewing Tobacco
Define the following (Must be 90% correct): [] Grits [] Muscadine [] Cobbler [] Tater [] Goobers [] Brogans [] Fatback [] Pig Skins [] Collards [] Redeye Gravy [] Tote [] Pinto Beans [] Sidemeat [] Sawmill Gravy [] Poke [] Turnip Salit [] Chitlins [] Soppin Syrup [] Cracker [] Shit-on-Shingle [] Ramps
Favorite Vocalist: [] Donna Fargo [] Conway Twitty [] Loretta Lynn [] Hank Williams [] Elvis [] Slim Whitman [] Tammy Wynette [] Porter Wagoner [] Johnny Cash [] Willie Nelson [] George Jones [] Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation: [] Square Dancin' [] Possum Huntin' [] Skinny Dippin' [] Craw Daddin' [] Gospel Singin' [] 4-Wheelin' [] Drankin' [] Bull Chip Throwin' [] Blue Grass Conventions [] Spitten' backy [] Other
Weapons Owned: [] Deer Rifle [] Bird Gun [] Varmit Rifle [] Sawed-off Shotgun [] Tire Iron [] Pick Handle [] Log Chain [] Power (chain) saw
Number of Hound Dogs:___ Type: [] Blue Tick [] Black & Tan [] Beagle
Emblem: [] John Deere [] CAT [] Budweiser [] McCullock Chain Saw [] PBR [] NAPA [] Coors [] Skoals
Number of Weeks Unemployed:_____ Number of Welfare Checks Received:_____
Number of Dependents (Legal):______ (Claimed):______
Memberships: [] KKK [] NRA [] Moose [] PTL Club [] VFW [] American Legion [] Bass Club [] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
Length of Left Leg:______ Length of Right Leg:______
Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color, Primer Red?______
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?______
How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front porch?______
Will you be a part of the West Virginia Intelligentsia with a measurable IQ?______
Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?______
Do you own any shoes, if so how many? ______ What year did you last purchase shoes? ______
Are you married to any of the following? [] Sister [] Cousin [] Sow Do you know her name? ______
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?______
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?______
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?______
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ______ To 21 with your fly up? ______
Medical Information: Do you have at least 2 of the following: [] BO [] Crabs [] Head Lice [] Bad Breath [] Scabies [] Trench Mouth [] Runny Nose
Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______
Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week? ______
JOKE: BEAR BELLS
A guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska, immediately spies a rather haggard-looking old salt of a store clerk sitting by the cash register.
"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
"Yep," answers the clerk.
"Big bears?"
"Yep."
"Mean bears?"
"Yep."
"Black bears?"
"Yep."
"GRIZZLIES???!"
"Yep."
"Got any bear bells?"
"What's dat?"
"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so bears know yer in the perimiter so's they can runs away ..."
"Yep. Over yonder ..."
"Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies. Say, how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?"
"Look fer scatt."
"Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!"
"Look fer scatt."
"You just said that!"
"Yeah. But grizzly scatt's different."
"Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
"Bear bells."
School Girl Handcuffed and Arrested for Doodling on Her Desk
A 12-year-old Queens girl N.Y. was hauled out of school in handcuffs for an artless offence - doodling her name on her desk in erasable marker.
Alexa Gonzalez was scribbling a few words on her desk on Monday while waiting for her Spanish teacher to pass out homework at Junior High School 190 in Forest Hills, she said.
"I love my friends Abby and Faith," the girl wrote, adding the phrases "Lex was here. 2/1/10" and a smiley face. But instead of simply cleaning off the doodles after class, Alexa landed in some adult-sized trouble for using her lime-green magic marker.
She was led out of school in cuffs and walked to the precinct across the street, where she was detained for several hours, she and her mother said.
"I started crying, like, a lot," said Alexa. "I made two little doodles. ... It could be easily erased. To put handcuffs on me is unnecessary." Alexa, who had a stellar attendance record, hasn't been back to school since, adding, "I just thought I'd get a detention. I thought maybe I would have to clean [the desk]."
City officials acknowledged Alexa's arrest was a mistake. "We're looking at the facts," said City Education Department spokesman David Cantor. "Based on what we've seen so far, this shouldn't have happened."
FATHER OF THE YEAR: Police Find Man, 15-Year-Old Daughter Drunk
A 37-year-old man is in jail after Minneapolis Police found him and his 15-year-old daughter drunk in a church parking lot around 10 p.m. Wednesday night.
Christopher Lee Swickard, of Minneapolis, was spotted inside a running vehicle in the lot with his teenage daughter at the intersection of Nicollet and Franklin.
Police said as they approached, Swickard tried to drive away but officers told him to stop. Inside, they found the two trying to hide an open bottle of vodka.
Police said both were obviously intoxicated.
Swickard's blood alcohol content was nearly .40 -- five times the legal limit, according to police. His daughter blew a .10.
Police arrested Swickard and issued an underage drinking citation to his daughter. The girl was also taken to Hennepin County Medical Center.
Police impounded the vehicle and began DWI charges for Swickard.
He could also be charged with child abuse, refusing a drug and alcohol test, distribution of harmful material to a minor and open bottle violations.
Police believe the two were drinking together. Formal charges are expected in this case.
JOKE: A Jewish man sent his son to Israel for a year
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all three prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.
As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent My Son to Israel ...."
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