Joke for Tuesday

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.


Lord, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you, she prayed.
And just like that,her ears fell off.

Strange But True

Naked vandal trashes Seattle church

SEATTLE - Services were moved to the parking lot of a Rainier Beach church after a naked man smashed through a window Saturday, spattering HIV-positive blood inside and leaving a trail of destruction through the house of worship.
Officials believe the 46-year-old suspect was high on PCP during his unholy rampage through the Unity Church of God in Christ - and now the church interior is considered a bio-hazard because of the tainted blood inside.

The bizarre incident left church members in shock, but now they're learning it may be more than just a coincidence - because, as it turns out, the suspect's brother killed himself there on church property on the same Sunday 29 years ago.

A trail of blood spatters, broken glass and other damage show where the naked vandal made his way through the church.
Neighbors say it was about 4 a.m. Saturday when the man hurled his naked body against a window and smashed through.

The jagged, broken glass left cuts all over his body that created a trail of blood spatters and smears throughout the interior of the church.

The pastor, Rev. James Hicks, says church members started cleaning up the mess until they learned that the man is HIV-positive and has hepatitis C - possibly creating a bio-hazard inside the house of worship.

The rampage went from room to room - a picture gallery was torn from the walls, a trophy case was broken open, mirrors were shattered - and blood was smeared on walls, fixtures and furniture.

"Just to see (the pictures) torn up on the floor. It was really, really really devastating to us," says the pastor.

"The thing is that he cut himself, and he had blood all over the trophy case, blood where the mirror was, blood around the doors."

The naked vandal triggered an alarm, and police arrested him outside a short time later. He's now in jail for investigation of burglary.

Volunteers got busy cleaning up until they realized the potential danger. "They said, 'We don't suggest that you do this clean-up,'" Hicks says.

The church scheduled an outdoor service in the parking lot for Sunday morning after they realized they could not use the sanctuary.

"That just knocked the wind out of our sails, cause we knew then we had to do something different," Hicks said.

But church members say they have already forgiven the man, whose brother hung himself from a tree on church property on the first Sunday of June 29 years ago.

"I don't think it's a coincidence, and I believe that my neighbor said he heard him saying, 'I love you, I love you,' and he heard all that tearing up and commotion," explains church member Angelia Hicks-Maxie.

At the outdoor Sunday morning service, the pastor remembered the man in his prayers.

"Oh God, we ask that you look upon the young man who did this - amen. Because our business is forgiveness, yes, Lord."

Church member Billy Williams says, "The Bible says things work together for the good. And we don't understand it but our business is forgiveness and soul-saving, and some strange way God will get the glory out of this."

Now, the reaching out is both ways.

"His brother actually called," says the pastor, "and apologized on behalf of his brother so the forgiveness, the emotions are already starting to the healing can begin."