FUNNIES

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the Da Vinci Code

Da Vinci Code...

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least

Three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists

From around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge

Meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a

Woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell

They were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart

Enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a

Shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that

If a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea..

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were

Evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel,

Dig The Ass On That Chick.

I LIKE THIS DOCTOR

Doctor U.R. Wong

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

WHEN GROWN MEN PLAY WITH TOYS

ELVIS AND MICHAEL JACKSON ARE ALIVE!!!!!

AND THEY'RE LIVING TOGETHER IN MISSISSIPPI

FOR SALE BY OWNER

ONE USELESS

%$#^@^%@!!^&$^#@ CAT

Why Don't We Do It In The Road? Two Mainiacs do!

AUGUST 28--Two young lovebirds are facing indecent conduct charges after a cop spotted them having sex "in full view" of motorists and pedestrians traveling on a Maine street. The exhibitionists, Faith Erman, 19, and Joseph Lattari, 20, explained to police that they had been at Erman's home last Saturday morning, but "decided to leave the apartment so that they could find a place to have sex without bothering other people at the apartment." The duo, pictured at right, settled on a spot adjacent to College Avenue, according to the below Orono Police Department report. That's where a cop discovered the naked duo at 5:45 AM (Erman was said to be on all fours "straddling" Lattari, who "was lying on his back on the ground"). "While they were putting their clothes on they repeatedly apologized for their actions," an Orono cop noted.