SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME ....

JOKE: Early Retirement

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzled old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, From the tip of my penis to my testicles. It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief s todger and began to work back. Dear Lord! he suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?

The old Sergeant Major replied, "Iraq".

Call 845-452-4743 If You've Seen This Leg

A skydiver in upstate New York is hoping someone will find his lost leg.

Scott Listemann was skydiving above Gardiner, N.Y., June 14 when his prosthetic leg came off.

Listemann told the Poughkeepsie Journal that the thought occurred to him to look for the prosthetic flying through the air but quickly decided it was more important to make sure he landed safely.

He has printed up posters to distribute around Gardiner, asking anyone who finds his leg to call him. But Listemann still hasn't found his leg.

He figures it's in a wooded area and hopes that it will be more visible this fall, when trees shed their leaves.

He thinks the missing leg might be found intact because the 19-inch prosthetic was made from sturdy material and should have survived the fall.

Listemann shattered his right leg skydiving five years ago and had his lower left leg amputated last November after a truck drove over it, reported the Daily Freeman.

Listemann told the Poughkeepsie Journal he's made five jumps with the prosthetic leg and three without it -- landing like a baseball player sliding into third.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Listemann's prosthetic leg, call 845-452-4743 or 845-255-9538.