GOT CAPTION? 8/7

JOKE: HITTING ON A BLONDE

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sitting and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?"

The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."

The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

WICCANS ARE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE FOR DECENT CHRISTIANS!

Illegal Mexicans Would Make Wonderful Slaves

Vacation Bible Gun Camp!

How A Good Samaritan Was Arrested For Driving Drunks Home

Jonathon Schoenakase of Quincy, Illinois was arrested last Saturday outside a local bar. His crime? Operating "Courtesy Rides" — a service offering free rides to bar-goers to prevent drunk driving. The reason? Taxi companies lobbied to make it illegal.
Schoenakase began operating Courtesy Rides on January 31, 2008 following a decision to do something about drunk driving after one of his friends was killed by a drunk driver. The service offers free rides to anyone who's been out drinking and needs a ride home, donations are accepted, but it's free to all. It was such a success Jonathan added a second car to the effort in 2009, then a bus, and that's when Diamond Cab service took notice.
They complained to the city that Schoenakase was operating a de facto taxi service without a proper license, but in reality they were mad he was cutting into their profits by offering for free what the Diamond was charging for. Amusingly, he was probably hitting a different demographic, cheapskates who don't want to pay for taxis but want to get home so they drink and drive, but that's beside the point. The cab company complained loud enough that the Quincy City Council changed its taxi and limousine ordinance to remove the words "for hire" from its definitions and thus eliminate the loophole Schoenakase was operating under. Following the change, Jonathan applied for a license and the Chief of Police was supposedly about to approve it, but withdrew and said Schoenakase needed to clear up some legal issues.
Since then Schoenakase has continued operating Courtesy Rides and has been arrested twice now during sting operations, once in February and then again just last Saturday.
We understand the police are just following the law, but this entire situation stinks like a three-days-worn t-shirt off a drunk's back. A guy goes out of his way to reduce drunk driving in his town, an effort he's doing to honor his dead friend, and the city shuts him down at the behest of a taxi company. Real nice work there. If nothing else how about just give the guy his $10 license and be done with all this pointless nonsense.

Man tells cops he's sorry he threw a snake into drive-thru window

A Williston N.D. man was charged with disorderly conduct Sunday following an unusual incident at a local fast-food restaurant Saturday night.
Officers received a call from Taco John’s at 11:38 p.m. Saturday.
A crew member reported that a customer threw a live snake through the drive-through window.
Officers responded and found a two-and-a-half foot-long rat snake that had been thrown through the window at the crew member.
At approximately 6:30 p.m. Sunday, Redford Turner, 21, Williston, came to the Williston Police Department and voluntarily spoke with police about the incident. Officials said he was very cooperative and apologetic about what he'd done. Turner was charged with disorderly conduct and released on a promise to appear in court.

Dick pleads guilty to exposing himself to woman near school

GREENSBORO — A registered sex offender pleaded guilty Tuesday to exposing himself to a parent near an elementary school in December and illegally going on the school’s campus more than 30 times.
Jerry Fitzgerald Dick, 46, of 1724-B Springmont Drive pleaded guilty to indecent exposure and 32 counts of being on an educational property as a sex offender, according to Guilford County Assistant District Attorney Kelly Thompson.
Superior Court Judge Jim Hardin Jr. sentenced Dick to 13 to 16 years in state prison.
The court also found Dick guilty of being a habitual felon, meaning the judge could give him a harsher punishment.
Dick was arrested Dec. 9 after a parent told Greensboro police that a man exposed himself to her Dec. 3 while sitting in a car near Joyner Elementary School at 3300 Normandy Drive. No children witnessed the incident, a detective said.
An investigation led detectives to name Dick as a suspect, and they determined he had been on the school’s campus more than 32 times to drop off his 8-year-old daughter from August 2009 until his arrest.
Dick was convicted of indecent liberties with a minor in 2002 and by state law was required to notify the school’s principal anytime he was near campus. Officials said that didn’t happen.

Store bans disabled vet after service dog takes dump in aisle

Kim Mucha feels dumped on.
And so does Big Y.
Mucha was banned from Big Y Supermarkets’ North Haven location last month after her service dog pooped in the store’s aisles. Mucha claims the ban is a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Officials at Big Y say Mucha is trying to sully the reputation of the Springfield, Mass.-based company. A spokeswoman said Big Y has a record of fairly treating shoppers with disabilities at all of the chain’s 54 locations in Connecticut and Massachusetts.
“We must be doing something right,” said Claire D’Amour-Daley, a spokeswoman for the family-owned chain.
D’Amour-Daley disputes Mucha’s version of the events that occurred in June and resulted in the Air Force veteran from Wallingford getting a letter from Big Y saying that if she returns to the store, she will be arrested for trespassing.
The dispute between Mucha and the supermarket chain is being played out in the shadow of the 20th anniversary of the ADA, celebrated July 26.
Service dogs are permitted in businesses under specific guidelines set forth in the ADA. Mucha relies on her service dog, Ivy, for balance.
“They treated me and my dog like criminals,” a visibly frustrated Mucha said last week, with Ivy lying quietly at her feet. “My dog pooped on the floor and I cleaned it up right away. I’ve worked in supermarkets before, and I’ve seen old people and kids make messes on the floor and nobody ever threatened to have them arrested.”
Ivy serves two purposes: to help Mucha retain her balance, which was affected during an accident she suffered as a military policewoman while in the Air Force, and to pick up low-lying packages and items from the floor or shelves, a skill Ivy learned through the East Coast Assistance Dogs program, which has a location in Torrington.
Mucha is considering legal action against the chain, which has 25 Connecticut stores, including five in the New Haven area.
But, according to D’Amour-Daley, Big Y was within its rights to banish Mucha and Ivy from the store.
D’Amour-Daley disputes Mucha’s version of the story, saying Ivy was not anywhere near her owner, was not on a leash and defecated on the floor several times, including once in an area near where Big Y employees were making sandwiches for customers.
“We take our responsibility to insure the public health very seriously in the communities that we serve,” D’Amour-Daley said. “At the same time, we’ve worked with customers who have service dogs before without any complaints. We normally ask that they just give us a call ahead of time.”
According to Kevin Barry, a Quinnipiac University law professor, the ADA is designed to help people with disabilities to move about in public places and at businesses with the same freedom as their able-bodied counterparts.
“Not doing so is discrimination — it is a denial of access to people with disabilities by refusing to reasonably modify existing policies,” Barry said. “Under the ADA, service animals are not limited to guide dogs, which are used by some people who are blind.”
Service animals include signal dogs (used by people with hearing impairments to alert them to sounds) and any other animal individually trained to provide assistance to an individual with a disability, such as a dog trained to assist people with mobility impairments.
No advance notice is needed to bring a service dog into a business, he said. The dogs are identified by a green vest with a white-lettered “service dog” logo, Barry said.
“This is a sobering reminder of how far the ADA still has to go in achieving its promise of equality of opportunity,” he said. “Twenty years ago, the woman you describe may have stayed home rather than endure the embarrassment and headache of going to the market. Twenty years later, she shouldn’t have to.”
The ADA permits retailers like Big Y to banish service dogs only if the animal’s actions have “fundamentally altered” how a business operates, Barry said.
“Apparently, the only ‘business’ implicated here was the dog’s, and the woman cleaned it up,” he said. “Does Big Y send letters to parents of 2-year-olds who accidentally engage in similar kinds of ‘business’?”
Mucha said she was embarrassed because of the way the manager of the North Haven store reacted, yelling at her and summoning workers that “looked like they were wearing haz-mat suits.”
While D’Amour-Daley would not comment on the store manager’s demeanor, she said Big Y responds differently to the release of bodily fluids in the store than if a glass bottle of soda broke in one of the aisles.
“There is a certain protocol for cleaning up bodily fluids,” she said.

Washington woman jailed after man badly beaten with vacuum cleaner

After an argument on Tuesday evening, Michelle Dawn Hawn hit her boyfriend several times in the head with her vacuum, leaving him fighting for his life, according to Clark County Sheriff’s deputies. The blows, inflicted with an upright plastic Dirt Devil, fractured 41-year-old Todd D. Proetel’s skull and the bones around his eyes, according to reports.
As of Wednesday afternoon, Proetel was in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit at Southwest Washington Medical Center. Deputies were called to Callaham’s Mobile Manor, 10804 N.E. Highway 99, shortly before 6 p.m.
Inside the aging trailer, deputies found Proetel unconscious with a large amount of blood coming from his head. The Sheriff’s Office Tactical Detective Unit investigated, and arrested Hawn, 37, on suspicion of first-degree assault – domestic violence.
Hawn — who documents list as 5 feet, 6 inches and 210 pounds — is being held at the Clark County Jail on $100,000 bail. According to police reports, Hawn admitted to striking Proetel, whom she said lives with her. Reports also say that she said she was intoxicated at the time and that she has a history of bipolar disorder, alcoholism and domestic violence.

Burglar caught breaking into house a 2nd time, claims he was leaving a thank you note

A serial burglar fresh out of jail went back to a Sarasota, Florida home he robbed last year to hit it again, this time with a 'thank you note,' authorities said. Gerald Maxwell, 39, was arrested at the Chippewa Place home on Tuesday night, reportedly telling police, "I was going back in there to leave a thank you note because I'm the guy who burglarized this place last year. I just got out of jail."

Maxwell has a long record of burglaries, according to the Sarasota Police Department. In addition to the most recent arrest and his boast of burglarizing the home a year ago, Maxwell was busted in December 2007 for burglarizing the same home, and has eight total burglary arrests in the area since November 2006. This time, according to arrest reports, Maxwell went to the home in the 2200 block of Chippewa Place around 10:30 p.m Tuesday, pried open a window and crept inside. That triggered a motion-sensing alarm in the home, and a pair of Sarasota police officers responded to the scene.

The two officers approached the home's front door, which opened halfway and then slammed shut, reports said. They then split to cover the front and rear of the home and prevent escape, with more officers and the police department's helicopter called to the scene. Police quickly spotted Maxwell inside the home and ordered him out, reports said. As Maxwell did, he was taken into custody, uttering his "thank you note" line.

Inside the home, investigators found a stack of jewellery they said Maxwell had gathered in his heist attempt, along with a crack pipe left near the pile of jewellery. Maxwell was taken to the Sarasota County Jail. He was charged with burglary and possession of drug paraphernalia, along with four counts of probation violation.

Man calls 911 for ride to liquor store

Authorities in Florida arrested a 57-year-old man after he called 911 in hopes of hitching a ride to the liquor store.

Police say George McMurrain actually called officers twice on Saturday night to ask for a ride to buy alcohol.

Here is a transcription of his call:

Dispatcher: "This is 911."

Suspect: "I need a, I need a -- a ride."

Dispatcher: "You need a ride?"

Suspect: "Yes, to the liquor store."

Dispatcher: "Um."

Suspect: "Sheriff said she'd give me a ride."

Dispatcher: "OK, you're going to have to call somebody else, sir. You called 911. We can't come give you a ride."

Suspect: "Even the sheriff said she'd give me a ride."

Hear Mr McMurrain's marvelously lucid 911 call.

Dispatcher: "The sheriff said they'd give you a ride to the liquor store?"

Suspect: "That's correct."

Dispatcher: "Wrong."

Officers picked up McMurrain at a local hotel and carted him off to jail. He's charged with misusing 911.

Man freed after two days in cesspool

A Chinese man has been rescued after two days stuck up to his neck in a toilet cesspool. The man was only discovered when a passerby walked into the outside toilet and heard his cries.

The passerby called emergency services after trying unsuccessfully to free the trapped man. Firefighters dropped a ladder into the cesspool in Wuyuan County, Inner Mongolia, and the man finally escaped.

He was so weak after two days underground that it took him 20 minutes to climb up the ladder. Firefighters said the man was not seriously hurt by his ordeal - but was in dire need of a wash. "As soon as he came out, he rushed to a nearby pond to have a bath," said one fireman.

The man said he slipped while using the outhouse toilet hole two days ago, and slipped into the pit below. Nobody had used the toilet in the mean time so he was not discovered - even though his family had reported him missing.

got caption? 8/6

Dead man gets ticket for parking too long in 2-hour zone

A parking-enforcement officer unknowingly gave a parking ticket to a dead man in the driver's seat of a car Tuesday afternoon.

The officer had marked cars with chalk at about 9:30 a.m. Tuesday and returned just after noon to find one car with a chalk mark still parked in the same place. The zone where the car was parked, on the 1700 block of Airport Way South, was a 2-hour parking zone. The driver, a 36-year-old man, was seemingly asleep in the driver's seat. The officer rapped on the window to wake him and tell him to move the car, but she got no response. The officer assumed the man was a sound sleeper and put a $42 parking violation on the car's windshield.

About a half-hour later, police got a call from the man's girlfriend, who with a friend had found his car. She'd called a car dealer to get the vehicle's GPS position, police said. The girlfriend found all four doors unlocked, the sunroof open and the man unresponsive.

Seattle Fire medics pronounced the man dead at the scene.

The cause of death is unknown, Seattle police said, and there was no sign of violence. Fire Department medics said the man probably had died early Tuesday morning, hours before the parking-enforcement officer marked the car's tire.

The man's girlfriend said she had last seen him at about 9:45 Monday morning, according to a police report. She'd tried to call his cellphone at about 12:30 p.m. that day, but when the phone picked up all she heard was music before the call was disconnected. When she tried to call back, she got the man's voice mail and assumed the phone's battery had gone dead.

A witness reported seeing someone moving around in the car Monday, when it was apparently parked in the same place. Later that day, around 4 p.m., the same witness returned to see a man apparently asleep in the driver's seat. When the witness returned at noon Tuesday, he saw the same car still parked on the block and the man in the same position.

The man's girlfriend and some friends drove around Monday night trying to find him or his car, but had no luck.

Police never found the man's keys, wallet or cellphone in his clothes or anywhere in the car.

JOKE: LITTLE BOBBY AND THE CAB DRIVER

Little Bobby and his mom were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said Little Bobby, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

Little Bobby's eyes got wide and he asked, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.