JOKE: Ole and Sven were fishing in Minnesota

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

E-MAIL FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS DAD

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really
like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students
travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

---------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail
from his dad:

My dear loving son

Forty million US dollar has just been transferred
to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

10Q JJ

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MOST INCREDIBLE ACCIDENT BAR NONE

Carpenter Lu Jiang, 43, is recovering after surviving this incredible accident where his body was pierced from top to bottom by a solid steel rod.

He told docs he had been working on the second floor of a new building at Sichuan in South East China when he had slipped and fell onto the steel bar protruding from a concrete slab. It had pierced his body just below the waist and came out on the other side of his body by his neck.

He said: "I hit the ground pretty hard but my first thought was 'God I am still alive'. I could see my hands and my feet and nothing seemed to be broken but then I found I couldn't move and I thought my back was broken. It was then that I felt a steel rod coming out of my back - and then realised it had gone in through the bottom of my body. "I was terrified - everyone was looking at me and some had covered their faces in horror - I was pinned like that for more than an hour until emergency services could cut me free."

Lu was transferred to the local hospital where he was met by his wife Peng Minghui, 35, who had been called by building site managers. She said: "I will never forget what I saw. Such a huge steel bar piecing all the way through his body, I felt faint just looking at it. I can't get the image out of my mind even now after my husband has recovered."

She said that she had stayed beside her husband and talked to him throughout the three-hour operation as surgeons struggled to remove the steel rod that had incredibly not damaged any major organs - including missing the heart completely.

He has now been allowed home - and has taken the steel bar that is 120cm long(4 feet long/1 inch thick) and 2.5 cm wide home with him. He said: "I am going to plant a tree in my garden and use this as a support rod to say thank you for the fact that I survived.

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Teen Accused of Putting Lysol in Mother's Drink

A local youth was arrested and held on cash bail early Monday morning after she allegedly put Lysol in her mother's drink.

Brittany Merrill, 17, of 104 Ledgewood Drive in Portsmouth, New Hampshire is charged with a misdemeanor count of reckless conduct as a result of an incident that took place at that address, according to Portsmouth Police Capt. Mike Schwartz.

Police say Merrill is accused of putting Lysol in her mother's juice in what Schwartz said appears to be a "crime of opportunity."

The captain said initial reports indicate the incident followed an argument between Merrill and the victim.

Schwartz said the victim summoned emergency responders with both police and fire personnel responding to the home at roughly 1:30 a.m.

The victim did consume some of the tainted beverage.

Schwartz said the victim reported a burning sensation in her throat, but did not want to be taken to the hospital.

Merrill was arraigned in Hampton District Court on Monday.

Woist mom ever cleaned bathroom with son's toothbrush, police say

A man called police to a home in the 2100 block of Springtown Hill Road in Lower Saucon Township, Pennsylvania to report that his mother put feces on his toothbrush, police said in a news release today.

Justin Novack told police his mother, Deborah Woist, committed the act July 18. When confronted by police, Woist said the bathroom had not been cleaned in two months, "so she cleaned it for her son using his toothbrush, which she put back in the holder for his use," police said.

Woist was charged with harassment, police said.

Bank robbery suspect caught despite fake breasts, wig and clown pants

Bank robbery suspect caught despite fake breasts, wig and clown pants

It didn't take a lot of great detective work for Swissvale police to find and arrest a North Braddock, Pennsylvania man charged with robbing a Citizens Bank branch on Saturday morning. Police Chief Greg Geppert said officers arrested Dennis Hawkins, 48, of North Braddock as he sat in a parked car at a service station at Washington Street and Monongahela Avenue wearing an outlandish disguise and covered in red dye that exploded all over him when he tried to open the money he took from the bank.

Chief Geppert gave these details of the incident: Mr. Hawkins first drew attention at the Giant Eagle supermarket in Edgewood Towne Centre. He described him as a black man with facial hair who was wearing a female blonde wig, a sweater with fake breasts under it and clown pants. He left the supermarket and went to the Kmart store at the shopping center, where surveillance cameras later showed him shoplifting a BB gun. He then went to the bank a couple of blocks away on McCague Street, entered and sat down in the waiting area. He initially turned down a teller who offered to help him, saying he was waiting for someone else to arrive, then later approached her and robbed her at gunpoint.

Bank cameras showed he went to a tree behind the bank, opened the money envelope and dropped it and some of the money when the dye pack exploded. He ran a couple of blocks to the service station, where he approached several customers and asked for a ride. When they refused, he got into the car of another woman, who got out, took her keys with her and went inside to call police. Officers on their way to the bank robbery call went to the station and arrested him while he waited in the car. He had dye on him, the wig stuffed in the waist of his pants and he was still wearing the fake breasts.

Chief Geppert said Mr. Hawkins told police he had found the money and took them back to the tree where the dye exploded. Mr. Hawkins is being held at the Allegheny County Jail on bank robbery and other charges. "He'd be my candidate for America's dumbest criminal," Chief Geppert said.