a joke for you~

After a day of fishing at a nearby island, Bob was on his way home. No sooner had he crossed the bridge to the mainland, that he saw a policeman following him with his lights flashing. Bob pulled over, like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"

"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!", repeated Bob.

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Military Wisdom

• 
  "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
  
• - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
  "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
  
• "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
  
• "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.
  The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
  - USAF Ammo Troop
  
• "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
  - Infantry Journal
  
• "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
  - U.S. Air Force Manual
  
• "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
  obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
  
• "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
  
• "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
  
• "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
  
• "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
  
• "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last,
  and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
  
• "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
  
• "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
  
• "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
  
• "Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
  
• "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
  
• "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
  
• "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
  
• "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.
  For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
  - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
  
• "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
  
• "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
  
• "Blue water Navy truism:
  There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
  - From an old carrier sailor
  
• "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
  it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
  
• "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always
  have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
  
• "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
  
• "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
  If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
  
• "Never trade luck for skill."
  The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
  
• "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
  
• "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
  
• "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
  
• "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
  
• "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
  
• "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
  
• "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight
  to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
  
• "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
  - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
  
• "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
  - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
  
• "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
  
• "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when
  it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
  As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
  having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
  the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks
  
• "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know,
  I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)