GOT CAPTION? 8/14

JOKE: the Proctologist

Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it's not "mortician;" by then it's too late. This is a word that makes a certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing.

Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass." Did you ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is taken, I'll start at the other end."

Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor. After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash-ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your left hand. He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc, I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it? But he's one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political convention.

Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here. I have given a considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve people's concept of these doctors of the down under.

- In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certification, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have their fingernails removed.

- The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort.

- Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like:

"Let our fingers do the walking."

"We'll bend over backwards for you."

"Please, take my seat."

"We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning."

"It looks like the End."

- Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers like:

"I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar."

"Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you."

"Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!"

"Yes, I see a family resemblance."

"Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low."

"The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..."

"Out of K-Y Jelly? Oh well, let's do a dry run."

"I'm putting you on a low-bean diet."

"Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove."

"How long have you had this crack in your butt?"

"I see you had pizza last night."

"When was the last time you had a lube and oil change?"

"Ah, you must be gay."

"Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?"

"Ooops, I think I lost my watch."

"I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!"

"If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my bill."

"Gee, I hope I can get this out."

"When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?"

"Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"

Fisherman stunned after frog leaps into his net and swallows his fish

A fisherman was left stunned when a courageous frog jumped into his net - and swallowed his catch whole.

The frog had been lying in wait for the fisherman to get a bite before pouncing on the fish in his homemade net.

Amateur fisherman Valery Krugersky, 49, was indulging his hobby in a lake just outside the city of Chernigov, Ukraine.

Cheeky: The six-inch frog sits on Valery Krugersky's net after leaping into it and swallowing his catch whole
The father-of-two uses an old curtain as a makeshift net and was shocked to see the frog jump out of the water to steal his catch.

The frog, which was about six inches long, ate the fish whole and then sat in the net smugly digesting its meal.

All the unlucky Mr Krugersky could do was capture the amazing scene with his camera.

Mr Krugersky, an engineer, said: 'I have seen a big pike jump in the net and eat the fish before but never a frog.

Swamped: The brave amphibian begins to tackle its meal after emerging from the lake water

Hop to it: Before Mr Krugersky could react the frog had swooped on his catch and gobbled it down
'There were a lot of frogs in the lake making loads of noise and one of the frogs jumped in the net and swallowed the fish in a matter of seconds.

'I left the net in the lake and the frog just sat inside it for a long time making some noise.

'It's a pity that the fish was eaten but I never interfere with nature - all I could do was just take some pictures of what was happening.'

Chernigov is a town in northern Ukraine. It is surrounded by a network of rivers and lakes that are very popular with fishermen.
Frogs are carnivorous and usually feed on insects, molluscs and worms but are also capable of eating small fish and even birds.

Man Wakes Up with Head in Polar Bear's Mouth

Polar bear that attacked Arctic explorer Sebastian Nilssen and was shot dead by a Nilssen friend. Nilssen was recovering from his wounds An Arctic explorer survived a polar bear attack.

Sebastian Nilssen, of Norway, says he woke up with his head in the bear's mouth last week.

He told the website Asylum.com, "I grabbed for my shotgun and tried to shoot it but the polar bear had snapped the gun in half. It must have been only a minute I was in his jaws, but it felt like forever."

As the bear stood up with him in its mouth, a friend shot the bear dead.

Nilssen says he's not angry at the bear -- because it was probably very hungry.

Asylum says, "Nilssen was airlifted to the hospital and underwent three hours of emergency surgery to repair a pierced lung and stem the flow of blood from bite marks on his neck, which were inches from a vital artery. "

LOL Very Strong Spider

Three Florida kids fly to Nashville without their parents' knowledge

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- Three youngsters with money wondered what to do. How 'bout a trip to Nashville?

None of the three has a driver's license, so they flew.

"I just wanted to fly," said 15-year-old Bridget Brown. "I had the money."

Brown saved $700 from babysitting and asked a friend if he wanted to fly anywhere.

The friend, 13-year-old Bobby Nolan III, said Nashville. The two of them, along with Brown's 11-year-old brother, took a cab to the airport.

Once at the Southwest counter, it was three tickets to Nashville, please.

"He said ok and told us how much it would be and then we paid him," Brown said. "Then he put the flight things on our bags and then he said you better run because you might miss your flight."

"We just took our stuff out of our pockets, took our shoes off and walked through it and they didn't say nothing," Nolan said.

Did they ask for IDs?

"No."

Did anybody ask for IDs?

"[No]. Everybody else had IDs. But we didn't," Nolan said.

So they flew to Nashville.

There were no adults with them, and none of their parents even knew they were going. It all happened in one day.

At dinner time, the boy's parents called his cell, thinking he was at a friend's house.

The call went straight to voicemail.

Later that evening, Bobby called his parents.

"He said, we're in Nashville. I'm ready to come home," said his dad, Bobby Nolan, Jr.

About $700 later, they flew back home the same way.

Everyone is safe, but how did they manage to get on the flight?

According to Southwest Airlines, they didn't sneak by anything.

An 11-year-old is allowed to fly with anyone 12 or older, according to their policy, and doesn't have to pay a fee for being an unaccompanied minor.

They didn't get to sit together, though, since they bought the tickets so near departure time.