I like to post videos,crazy news items and jokes..if I make you laugh,I am rewarded in knowing that I made your day better...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
JOKE: ABBY AT LOSS FOR WORDS
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $150.00an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Camel Stops By For Breakfast Every Day
Dog owners are used to their pooches trying to mooch food when they sit down to a peaceful meal. Nathan and Charlotte Anderson-Dixon have the same thing happen to them every morning -- except the begging comes from their three-year-old camel, Joe.
The couple lives on a farm near the British town of Ashbourne, Derbyshire, England and each morning they attempt to have a nice quiet breakfast with their 18-month-old son, Reuben.
Inevitably, the couple barely has a chance to sit down before Joe pokes his head through their conservatory window to help himself to something to eat.
He's not particularly picky. Joe happily chows down on bread, cereal and fruit.
Joe, who stands 5.83 feet, is especially fond of bananas on toast -- but turns up his nose at cheese.
Although Joe lives with four other camels, he is the only one to share breakfast with his owners. The others have to eat hay, barley, straw and corn mix in their stable.
"The first time Joe joined us for breakfast he was uninvited," said Nathan Anderson-Dixon. "He leaned in and rudely helped himself to the fruit bowl. But I wasn't surprised because he's very good at persuading all the other animals to give him their food too."
Now Joe comes over most mornings and hovers around in anticipation. The Anderson-Dixons were frustrated at first, but have gotten over that hump.
"He is like a big soft giant teddy bear and has become part of the family," Anderson-Dixon, 32, said. "We open the window and he puts his head through to take bread and fruit from the table."
But that doesn't mean Joe doesn't have to sing for his supper, er, breakfast. The Anderson-Dixons use him for camel races.
In addition, he has become somewhat of a surrogate sibling for little Reuben.
"Joe is like a big brother to Reuben," Anderson-Dixon said. "Reuben thinks it's quite normal to sit and have breakfast with a camel. He likes riding ponies and it won't be long until he is riding Joe."
Although the Anderson-Dixons have gotten used to Joe's freeloading, Nathan jokes he is frustrated by one aspect of the morning meals.
"Despite his regular visits, Joe hasn't mastered a knife and fork yet," he said.
Gil Riegler, who owns the Oasis Camel Farm in Ramona, Calif., with his wife, Nancy, hasn't ever had breakfast with any of his camels, but isn't surprised by Joe's in-your-face attitude.
"I definitely agree that they are like big Teddy bears," he said. "Although they are sweet in nature, some desire the company of man more than others. Joe is a good example of a camel that reaches out and communicates to us more than others and I would bet you anything that if he just got some scratching in the back of his ear when he poked his head through the window he would still come over and hang out."
Man With Exposed Erection Outside Walmart Says The Store Gets Him 'Aroused'
Who wouldn't get excited by such low prices?
A man caught with an exposed erection outside a Louisiana Walmart explained to police that he "gets aroused" by the chain of warehouse-style retail stores, according to a Ouachita Parish police report.
Travis Keen of Monroe, La., was cruising through the parking lot in his Ford Taurus when a witness noticed that the 28-year-old "took it out." Apparently, Keen would pull up next to female shoppers to show them just how fond of Walmart he really is.
According to the officer's report:
I asked Keen what he was doing in the parking lot Keen stated he was trying to see if he fixed his power steering in his car. I advised Keen about what I was told by the witness. Keen then stated he did have his penis out because of past experiences he had at Wal-Mart. Keen stated when he comes to Wal-Mart he gets aroused.
Keen has no prior criminal history. Police charged the suspect with obscenity and held him at the Ouachita Parish jail on $5,000 bail.
Aussie arrested for DUI on a motorized beer cooler
Plenty of drunk drivers spend a night in the cooler after they get busted. Very few spend a night on the cooler before their arrest.
Police in Australia say Christopher Ian Petrie was under the influence and driving without a license in Noosa on June 16 when they spotted him behind the wheel of a motorized beer cooler.
The 23-year-old had reportedly outfitted the cooler -- known in Australia as an Esky -- with a 50cc two-stroke engine, according to The Courier Mail.
At a recent court hearing, Petrie's attorneys managed to convince magistrate John Parker to grant an adjournment as they sought to determine whether the motorized cooler "was in fact a motor vehicle," the paper notes.
When asked by the magistrate how much beer his vehicle could carry, Petrie reportedly said it could store "at least a couple of cartons."
Petrie is due back in court Aug. 16.
Strangely enough, Petrie is not the first man to find himself in legal trouble for allegedly driving an ice box after having a few too many cold ones.
In 2008, a New York resident was charged with driving while intoxicated and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle for allegedly swerving in the streets and driving on the sidewalk on a "Cruizin Cooler."
Granny Gets Breast Implants at 83
A California grandmother of 12 is making national headlines after getting breast implants at the age of 83.
Marie Kolstad, a full-time property manager who lives in Santa Ana, says she decided to get the $8,000 boob job last month because over the years, nature had taken its course on her 36-Cs.
"Your breasts go in one direction and your brain goes in another," she told the New York Times.
Kolstad says she's in good health and figured, "why not take advantage of it?"
She also says her mother lived a long life, and she's hoping to do the same.
Several national media outlets have since picked up Kolstad's story, citing a rise in so-called senior citizen plastic surgery.
In 2010, there were 84,685 surgical procedures among those over 65, according to the American Society for the Aesthetic Plastic Surgery.
Of those, more than 26,000 were face-lifts, nearly 6,500 were liposuctions and some 2,400 were breast augmentations.
A plastic surgeon told ABC News that he'd rather operate on a healthy 70-to-75-year-old than an unhealthy 40-something patient.
Woman driven from apartment after 1,000 bats set up home in rafters
For Alison Murray, buying her first home was a dream come true. But she has told how she was forced to flee the building in terror after more than 1,000 bats turned her flat into a nightmare. The bats - 500 female pipi-strelles and their estimated 500 "pups" - have transformed the roof space above Ms Murray's top-floor flat in the Peterculter area of Aberdeen, Scotland into a roost. And because they are protected under European conservation laws, there is nothing she can do until the bats decide to leave. Ms Murray, 25, said she had no choice but to leave the flat. She revealed that she had finally left her home after one of the bats found its way into a towel she was using to dry herself after a shower.
"It's absolutely ridiculous," she said. "These bats seem to have more rights than I do." Ms Murray bought the flat in Johnston Gardens in January. But four months later, she became aware she had some unwanted guests. "I found the first pipistrelle in my kitchen and I thought at first it was a one-off," she said. "But after I found bat number four I realised there was a problem. I found them sleeping in the plug hole in the kitchen sink and flying about the living room. And I could hardly sleep at night because they are in the roof space right above my bed, and they were making a constant high-pitched noise.
"But I had to move out when I found one crawling over me after I'd had a shower. I had put the towel around me when I walked through to my bedroom. I felt something move under the towel and looked in the mirror to see a bat crawling out. I just screamed and decided right then I couldn't live here any more. I moved back to live with Mum and Dad in Inverurie - much to their delight." After being forced to flee her home, Ms Murray contacted the Bat Conservation Trust, which sent members to offer advice. "They went outside and counted the bats," she said. "They just kept flying out and out and out. They counted 500 bats and told me there would be another 500 babies in the roof space.
"It's a complete nightmare. I have had to go back to the flat to get mail or clothes and I just run in and run out. After having one crawling over me, I have developed a fear of bats. They are horrible. I hate them." She has applied for a licence from Scottish Natural Heritage (SNH) to enable her to arrange for the holes in the roof the bats use to be closed up once they have stopped using the roost, but that could take months. Ms Murray said: "I'm just annoyed that you can't do anything to stop them. It might be the end of September or the start of October before the bats leave. But I don't think I'll ever feel fully comfortable in this flat again."
Loving owner fights to keep his pet sheep
A sheep is at the centre of a $60,000 battle between a Melbourne man and his local council. Vu Ho, 54, has taken the fight for his sheep, Baa, all the way to the Supreme Court after Greater Dandenong City Council threatened to remove his beloved pet. If he loses the case on September 7, he faces $30,000 in legal costs plus a similar bill for the council's lawyers.
The Springvale mechanic said Baa had become like a "younger sister or child" to him and he would do whatever it took to keep her. "It started off that I got her as a more civilised way to cut the grass at my workshop," he said. "But she became a pet, like part of the family. It's like she's one of my children. I have to take care of her and look after her welfare." Mr Ho said he had kept Baa at his workshop and in the backyard of his nearby home for 10 years.
But Greater Dandenong City Council local laws officers hit him with a $220 fine on February 25 for "keeping livestock on land under half (a) hectare". Mr Ho, who moved to Australia in 1981 as a Vietnamese refugee, said under the council's 2005 local law, "livestock" referred to any animal, including cats and dogs. He will argue before the court that all pet owners in the municipality would lose the right to their animals if that section of the law were strictly applied.
The council updated the laws late last month, exempting cats and dogs from the term "livestock". Mr Ho moved Baa to a farm at Cranbourne three months ago while he prepared his challenge. But he said he "could feel" that Baa missed being around him at his workshop, which he also shared with his dog, Chucky. "About two weeks ago I could feel that she was missing me. I felt a warm feeling, it was a connection with my sheep," he said.
JOKE: Big Jake
A newcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon when a cowboy ran through the swinging doors, yelling, "Big Jake's a'comin'!" The place immediately emptied, leaving the newcomer and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, soon a seven-foot-tall, 350-pound cowboy swaggered in, barely fitting through the double doors. He glanced around the saloon and, seeing no one but our friend, marched over to him, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, threw him over the bar, and bellowed, "Gimme whiskey!" The shaken man complied, found a full bottle, and placed it and a glass on the bar. The huge cowboy bit the glass neck right off the bottle, spat it on the floor, and emptied the fifth in one giant swig. Our friend, not sure what to do next, timidly asked, "Uh, do you want another?" The cowboy growled, "Nope. Gotta go. Big Jake's a'comin'!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
digitalpoint
