I like to post videos,crazy news items and jokes..if I make you laugh,I am rewarded in knowing that I made your day better...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
JOKE: A Blonde Went Into a .........
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... go ahead then."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....
tentatively said ...."Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
JOKE: the New Year's Gift
Sally was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to George, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered George smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, George approached Sally and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: The Meaning of Dreams.
Cops: Driver Had .708 Blood Alcohol Content
South Dakota woman narrowly misses topping U.S. intoxication record
DECEMBER 30--Meet Marguerite Engle. The South Dakota woman recorded a mind-boggling .708 blood alcohol content after being arrested earlier this month when a state trooper found her passed out behind the wheel of a stolen truck. But while Engle, 45, was nearly nine times over the state's .08 legal limit, she fell just short of the U.S intoxication record. That mark was set last year by an Oregon woman--also found comatose behind the wheel--who registered a .72 BAC. Engle's whopping BAC was measured by a Rapid City Police Department chemist who tested a blood sample drawn from Engle (a copy of a court affidavit sworn by chemist Jessica Lichty can be found here).
Engle is pictured above in a mug shot taken earlier this year after she was arrested for assaulting a government employee and being intoxicated and disruptive. Engle was named in a two-count South Dakota Magistrate Court indictment charging her with driving under the influence and driving with a BAC beyond the .08 limit. A traffic ticket issued to Engle notes that she "bonded out-hospitalized" after being collared in Sturgis just before noon on December 1. Engle is also facing charges in connection with her possession of the stolen vehicle.
2009: A strange year in Florida
The Associated Press
TALLAHASSEE - You know you're living in a weird state when the governor promotes a pay-per-minute sex chat line.
Or when a congressman asks the House speaker to move a day's worth of votes so he can watch a college football game.
Or when employees at not just one, not two, but three state prisons use stun guns on their kids as part of "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day."
That's Florida, once again making people snicker at its dumb criminals, strange animals and all-around oddness.
Gov. Charlie Crist was embarrassed when an on-hold recording he made transposed two numbers for an uninsured child helpline and callers instead were led to "horny" girls willing to talk about anything for just $2.99 a minute.
It wasn't the only odd moment in politics. Rep. Cliff Stearns asked Speaker Nancy Pelosi to basically shut down Congress early so he and some of the Florida and Oklahoma House guys could go watch their teams in the national championship game. She said no.
Candidates for local offices were also embarrassed in 2009. A Miami Beach mayoral candidate was disqualified from the race after his qualifying check bounced, and a minister running for Belle Glade City Commission was charged with swinging a bat at a woman outside a polling place. He lost the election.
Two 8-year-old Alachua County boys made better use of their baseball bats - they successfully fought off a man armed with a gun who was threatening to kill the mother of one of the boys.
Among other parents and children making odd news, a North Miami woman was arrested after leaving her 2- and 14-year-old grandchildren in the car while she went into a casino to gamble, and Hillsborough County deputies charged a 21-year-old Tampa woman with leaving her 4-month-old son in a hot car while she burglarized a home.
At least a Stuart woman had the commonsense not to leave her kids in the car during her crime spree. She stayed in the car with her 2- and 5-year-old children while acting as a getaway driver during two armed robberies.
Alcohol seems to lead to a lot of Florida's oddest stories.
Tampa police arrested a man who let his 12-year-old son drive his SUV so he could drink in the passenger seat.
A Marion County man was charged with driving under the influence after crashing a stolen riding lawnmower into a school bus.
A 22-year-old South Florida man climbed aboard a locomotive with a friend and took it seven miles down the tracks for a joy ride. They came up with the idea while heading to a local bar.
A Clearwater man was charged with drunk driving after police pulled him over for driving a car with only three tires.
Pasco County deputies arrested two men they said were fighting over $3 in gas money on the way home from a strip club. The weapons involved: a fish tank and a beer bottle.
A Bay County man arrested for shoplifting had a request for deputies: let him drink the beer he stole. He became combative when they refused.
A Marion County deputy pulled over a naked man riding a motorcycle. Turns out the cyclist was drunk.
He was one of many naked people in the news.
A naked 21-year-old man covered in feces was arrested in Martin County after jumping into a neighbor's pool. A Clearwater woman knocked on a stranger's door in the middle of the night asking for cigarettes. She was naked.
A naked 91-year-old Lake Worth man held a 26-year-old burglar at gunpoint until police arrived.
Another burglar trying to rob an elderly man wasn't so lucky. The 24-year-old broke in to a Liberty County home waving a toy gun and was shot and killed by an 82-year-old homeowner with the real thing.
A Fort Pierce man was charged with stealing $22 worth of aluminum cans from a scrap yard and then returning the next day to try to sell them back. A man tried stealing a live ferret in Jacksonville Beach by stuffing it down his pants. A Dade City man was charged with stealing 19 packages of deodorant to pay off a drug debt.
Usually this works in reverse, but a man was caught trying to break INTO the Brevard County jail he was released from the week before.
Two men wandering through a Deltona neighborhood asked a deputy for a ride home. The deputy said sure, but only after he could search them. They said sure, and the deputy found cell phones, GPS devices and a box of strawberry-flavored Pop Tarts stolen from neighborhood cars.
Crime and food intersected a few times in Florida this past year. Volusia County authorities arrested a 19-year-old after his mother said he threw a taco at her for unplugging his video game system. A Dunnellon woman was arrested after allegedly hitting a man in the head with a raw steak after he refused a piece of sliced bread. A Gainesville father was arrested for allegedly hitting his daughter with a pizza slice when she wouldn't turn off a computer. A Port St. Lucie man was arrested for rubbing a hamburger in his wife's face after she poured a soda on it.
A Palm Beach pizza shop owner was charged with pistol-whipping two men who complained about their calzone.
Reptiles in the news included a 5-foot alligator that escaped during a Panama City elementary school's show-and-tell. A Land O'Lakes man was bit on the hand when he reached under his car for his dog and found an alligator instead.
Wildlife officers found two alligators being held captive in a Tallahassee apartment. They also found drugs out in plain view after the tenants let them in.
Another house call made by wildlife officers turned up the body of a black bear struck and killed on Interstate 4. Two men retrieved the roadkill, took it home and butchered it.
Two men carried a 6-foot shark around Miami and tried selling it to fish markets. After they failed, they left it lying in the middle of a downtown street.
A Tampa police officer used a Taser to subdue a pit pill that chased a chicken into a woman's home. A Mossy Head woman trying to corral an emu was flown to a hospital after the giant flightless bird clawed her.
A Martin County man accused of downloading child pornography blamed the crime on a cat jumping on his computer keyboard.
The Fort Myers Beach town manager was fired after the town council learned he married a porn star. The Brooksville city council voted to require city employees to wear underwear. A 55-year-old Tallahassee man often seen riding a bicycle in a thong was arrested for indecent exposure.
Tampa police say a man repeatedly called 911 looking for sex because it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes.
That was one of many bizarre 911 calls.
A Panama City Beach man called 911 and reported he was robbed of $100 only to admit later that he lied because he was afraid to tell his wife he spent the money. A man called 911 from a Boynton Beach pay phone several times and complained he couldn't find his keys. An 18-year-old in Tampa called 911 looking for a ride.
And perhaps the funniest emergency call of the year, a Fort Pierce woman called 911 three times after McDonald's employees told her they were out of Chicken McNuggets.
A woman has told authorities she made bomb threats to Miami International Airport because she didn't want her boss to miss a flight.
In other random stories:
A Lakeland eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus after farting to make other students laugh and badly stinking up the bus.
A Melbourne-area woman changed diapers for a man who was faking disabilities. The man, whom she met through Craigslist, paid her $600 a week for the services. It took her three months to figure out he wasn't disabled.
The University of Florida's disaster recovery plan included a section on dealing with zombies.
DeLand authorities said a man strangled a pet rat after accusing his wife of taking his last cigarette and a Jensen Beach man was arrested after drenching his wife with a hose for smoking in the house.
A woman sitting on a toilet in a Tampa restroom dropped her gun, which discharged and shot a woman sitting in another stall.
Bank of America in Tampa refused to cash a check for a man born without arms because he couldn't provide a thumbprint.
And finally, some readers might recall that a costumed Tigger was acquitted of charges he groped women at Disney World a few years ago. This year a 60-year-old man was convicted of groping Minnie Mouse at the same theme park.
Catching up with the Flip-Flop Man
ST. PETERSBURG - The Flip-Flop Man is a legend in west-central Florida. Yet very few people know his name or anything about him other than his affection for flimsy rubber sandals.
Flip-Flop Man lacks an automobile or driver's license, but he is surprisingly mobile. He lives in Madeira Beach, near the center of Pinellas County, but folks frequently see him miles away in Gulfport, Seminole, Clearwater, Dunedin, Tarpon Springs, Tampa, Brooksville and far beyond.
On sunny days his ensemble includes an enormous sombrero and a long-sleeved shirt buttoned at the neck so that the tails fly behind him like a cape when he runs. On overcast days, he goes bareheaded and bare-chested, sticks to plaid boxers and, if he is feeling especially debonair, carries a cane or walking stick.
People encounter Flip-Flop Man at high noon and at midnight. If they happen to be out at 4 a.m. the moonlight might illuminate, not a pink elephant floating across the highway, but the Flip-Flop Man out for a wee-hour ramble.
The Flip-Flop Man is a garrulous fellow with salt-and-pepper hair and a scruffy beard. Many women describe him as "handsome," even though he often smells like a sweaty locker room and long ago lost all of his teeth from eating sugar.
Ironman triathlon champion Jackie Yost, 78, often sees him during her training runs. "He has beautiful legs," she says.
The Flip-Flop Man has a muscular 5-foot-10-inch frame and seems to lack any body fat whatsoever. In a normal week, he runs or walks 125 miles - 6,500 miles in a year. In 1995, what he calls his best year, he flip-flopped about 33 miles a day, approximately 230 miles a week, 12,000 miles in all - equal to a trip from St. Petersburg to Athens, Greece, and back.
He is 62 years old.
"He must have the constitution of Superman," says marathoner Bill Castleman.
A typical day lasts eight hours, though sometimes, when he can't sleep - the Flip-Flop Man deals with more demons than most of us - he flip-flops 20 hours.
One time he asked his friend Lisa Lorrain a question that continues to haunt her:
"Are you happy?" he said. "I have never been happy."
- - -
The Flip-Flop Man raced into Joe Burgasser's world about two decades ago. Burgasser, 68, a renowned athlete himself, is founder of the Forerunners, a long-distance running club. Two afternoons a week he conducts grueling practices at St. Petersburg Catholic High School's running track, where his athletes sprint at top speed for a quarter mile, jog for a quarter mile, then repeat the process until they poop out.
One day in 1990 a new runner caught Burgasser's eye. The new guy, hard to miss, had shaved the front half of his skull and was wearing flip-flops.
At 4:30 p.m. the first group of Burgasser's hard-core runners arrived. The new guy joined them, running effortlessly, never falling behind some of the fastest, most competitive athletes in Florida.
Burgasser's gasping charges finished their workout. Then another group began running their intervals. The new guy joined them, and joined every new group for the next two hours, running at a 5-minute mile pace during the sprints.
The new guy identified himself as Larry Perrier.
Folks delighted in his strange company. Some also wondered if their ears were going to fall off: Flip-Flop's tongue, as it jumped from topic to topic, was as fast as his feet.
After a few months, club members brought the new guy their old $100 Nikes and Reeboks. He took the shoes home and tried to modify them into something resembling flip-flops. After a while he told his new friends, "Thank you, but I don't need charity."
Burgasser, running on the Pinellas Trail a few months later, encountered an unhappy Larry.
"What's wrong?" Burgasser asked.
"I am having trouble with my flip-flops," Larry said.
Burgasser thought, "Of course you are. We gave you running shoes but you prefer flip-flops with no padding. Your feet must be killing you."
"It's winter," Larry explained. "Kmart doesn't sell flip-flops in the winter. I'm running out of flip-flops."
- - -
Over the years I have seen the Flip-Flop Man dozens of times while riding my bike on the 35-mile-long Pinellas Trail. A few weeks ago I stopped and introduced myself.
"I don't know if I want to talk to the media," he said politely. "You know, I think I ought to demur because part of me is really private. But on the other hand, everybody knows me anyway, and for years I have sort of been working to build up my legend."
So here's the story of how Larry Perrier became the celebrated, talkative, irrepressible Flip-Flop Man.
He was born in the South Bronx on May 15, 1945. When he was a boy, his mother developed multiple sclerosis and took to the bed that would be prison for the rest of her life.
As she deteriorated, his father quit work to care for her. He found it impossible to also care for a boy who suffered from what today we might call attention deficit disorder.
"I think about that. . . . My mother couldn't move from bed, and here I am walking and running day and night," Larry told me. "That must mean something."
He grew up in seven foster homes, quit school in ninth grade, enlisted in the Army, left the Army, and found it almost impossible to hold onto a job. He has lived with a kindly woman - "my old lady," he calls Blanche Tucker fondly - for three decades. She supports the two of them as a nurse.
"I have always been different," he told me as I pushed my bike alongside him. But he didn't tell me why at first. He was off on another topic - doctors. "I don't go to them. Oh, I'll go to the doctor if I have to, like when I had a hernia, and they took care of it, though I didn't follow their advice - they said to rest for a while - but I was back running in a few days and then developed another hernia. Now you're going to ask me if I wear a truss. I don't believe in trusses.
"What was I saying?"
About being different.
"One time I hitchhiked across the country barefoot. Then I discovered flip-flops. Flip-flops are almost like being barefoot. I used to buy them at the dollar store. Now I get them for five bucks at Kmart. Sometimes when I know I'm going to do a long day I'll hide flip-flops on the trail in advance just in case one of them breaks."
What's a long day?
"Fifty miles is a long day, though I'm older, I'm not as strong, I don't do as many long days. One time I walked to Brooksville. I think that must be 70 miles to Brooksville. I ended up somehow running in a forest and these guys came up and said, 'What are you doing running out here during hunting season?' I think they were trying to scare me, but they were hunting deer and maybe I could have gotten shot by accident."
That would have ruined a nice run.
"Over by Tyrone Boulevard, these young kids on bikes rode up to rob me. At lunchtime. Noon. One guy says 'Give it up!' and even though I didn't have much money I tried to talk my way out of it, and one took out a knife, and I wasn't going to run, no, I wasn't going to show them I was scared, so I sat on a bench and held my ground, but then I got nervous and I started running, jumped into a ditch and lost a flip-flop and had to walk home to Madeira Beach with one flip-flop. But I was lucky, I stopped to talk to this old guy who gave me a rag to wrap around the other foot so the pavement wouldn't burn it."
What about lightning?
"When it's your time to die, you will die."
I had lots of questions about his diet.
"Well, I eat a lot of sugar for energy. I keep a bag by my bed. That's what rotted my teeth. Now I have to eat soft things, food out of cans. People tell me, 'That isn't enough,' but it seems to work.
"In the winter I like to put on a little weight for warmth and energy. Right now I weigh 148 pounds but my winter weight is higher. I eat cheese and chocolate. I have to be careful, though, because of my, you know, addictive personality. If I buy a gallon of ice cream I'll eat the whole gallon in a day."
Some people try to soothe emotional pain with food, shopping, television, computer games, sex, gambling, tobacco, cocaine, religion. For years, the Flip-Flop Man's drug of choice was alcohol. After his last booze-related dustup with the law, in 1989, he is proud to say, "I quit drinking."
To cope with his demons he started walking, jogging, running and sprinting instead.
A shrink might have told him "Larry, you're substituting one addiction for another. Work on your problems."
But he didn't go to a shrink. Doesn't believe in shrinks. He believes in the power of flip-flops.
digitalpoint
