It Was a Damned Tough Day Down at the Mine ..Apparently

UPDATE: St. Paul man says quad amputee girlfriend hit him first

A St. Paul man charged with beating up a quadruple amputee last week admitted Monday that he hit the woman, but only after she hit him first.

A criminal complaint filed in Ramsey County District Court said Jacoby Laquan Smith got angry at his girlfriend, Tiesha Bell, because she blocked his view of the television in their East Side apartment. He threw Bell to the floor and punched her in the face more than 10 times in the March 22 incident, according to the criminal complaint.

But in a telephone interview, Smith, 33, said the dispute with Bell, 28, started with an argument over whether she was seeing another man.

"I had been dealing with her cheating on me," Smith said.

Smith said the argument escalated after "I turned on the TV and she got mad."

"She punched me in the groin," Smith said. He said Bell also hit him with a coffee canister and a bedpan.

"It was full of pee," he said.

In response, Smith said, "I hit her once and that was it. Maybe twice."

Although Bell had both hands and part of both legs amputated because of a childhood illness, Smith said, she can still be violent when she loses her temper.

"She'll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs," Smith said. He said she also hit him with her wheelchair.

Bell agreed Monday that there was hitting on both sides. She said she plans to marry Smith and doesn't want him to serve jail time.

"We both need anger management," she said.

Smith has been charged with fifth-degree assault, a misdemeanor, and interfering with a 911 call, a gross misdemeanor. He said he plans to turn himself in to St. Paul police later this week.

Dubai Briton faces jail over 'middle finger salute'

A British expatriate in Dubai is facing jail and deportation after being accused of making a single-finger gesture in an argument. Simon Andrews, 56, has had his passport confiscated for almost eight months while waiting for his case to be heard.
He told Dubai Court of Misdemeanours he denies "flipping the finger" at Mahmoud Rasheed, an Iraqi aviation student, during an argument. He will appear in court on Sunday for a full hearing of the case.


Mr Andrews has said Mr Rasheed, who has not yet appeared in court to give evidence, is mistaken and no finger was raised. At a court hearing on Sunday, he asked for the passport put up as bail surety for him by a friend to be returned as the friend had to go abroad for work.
He was told to provide another passport in its place. His own passport has also been confiscated, preventing him leaving Dubai before the case is heard. Making insulting gestures is regarded as unacceptable, and carries with it the possibility of a jail sentence of up to six months and deportation.

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

April 1 2010 Press Release

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Don Novello

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

JOKE: The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

and now for something really different..

George Bush shakes hands of Haitians, and wipes hands on Bill Clinton's shirt

Florida woman had sex with teen boys

SARASOTA - A 36-year-old Venice woman was arrested Friday after authorities said she had sex with at least three underage boys after giving them drugs.

Ellen Schmaling, who lives in the 400 block of Avalon Road, was charged with three felony counts of having sex with a minor between the ages of 12 and 15 and three misdemeanor counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Schmaling reportedly met all of the boys at the skate park in Payne Park.

According to a Sarasota Police Department report:

A parent of a 15-year-old boy called authorities Monday and said she was concerned about the text messages her son was getting from Schmaling. The parent called Schmaling and told her to leave her son alone.

Authorities went to the skate park and spoke to employees there, who said a group of teenage boys was sexually involved with Schmaling. An employee provided the deputy with a list of names of those boys.

Three of the boys told authorities they had sex with Schmaling. They also said Schmaling had given them prescription drugs before to having sex with them, as well as giving them money and gifts.

man shoots 40 year old daughter's boyfriend after catching them in the act

San Antonio

Police arrested William Clark Moore, 71, on Saturday morning on charges that he shot his daughter's boyfriend in the left hand.

Moore told police that his daughter, who is close to 40 years old and lives with him, was allowed to have her boyfriend over to the house. But the rule was that he had to be gone by midnight.

Around 3:00 am, Moore heard a noise coming from the garage. Police say when Moore opened the door, he saw his daughter performing a sexual act on her boyfriend. Moore told the boyfriend to leave immediately. Police say Moore went to retrieve his shotgun.

Police say when Moore returned, the boyfriend was still there. Moore shot the 38-year-old man in the left hand. The victim had to be taken to Northeast Baptist Hospital.

Moore is facing charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

Elderly couple arrested for tampering with Jell-O pudding boxes

The proof was in the pudding.

An elderly Long Island husband and wife were busted yesterday for tampering with boxes of Jell-O pudding -- replacing the contents with sand and salt and then returning them to stores for the $1.40-a-pop refund, officials said.

Alexander Clement, 68, and his wife, Christine Clement, 64, of East Northport disposed of the evidence afterward -- by cooking up and eating the contents of the boxes they had emptied, authorities said.

Their puddings of choice? Pistachio and butterscotch.

Police said the couple struck four stores a total of five times. Christine would buy about 10 boxes each time. Her hubby was the driver

When the pair got home, she allegedly would empty the boxes' contents and replace them with plastic sandwich bags filled with the sand and salt.

After resealing the boxes, her husband would drive her back to the stores, where she would return them for a refund, police said.

The scheme fell apart after a customer who bought one of the resealed boxes complained. Police traced the boxes back to the Clements.

But authorities said the couple -- who are well-off and have been married 40 years -- is more to be pitied. Christine Clement is suffering from "an age-related mental issue," police said.

"This was a bizarre story to begin with, and it just got worse when we found out what happened. It's sad," said Suffolk Police Lt. Michael Murphy.

"These aren't bad people. They never had any problems before. It was a complete aberration. They are very apologetic."

Sumo wrestler snatches cash machine in Moscow

A sumo wrestler ripped a cash machine out of a Moscow store on Friday, walking off with the bulky 200-pound machine on his shoulders, police said.

The man and an accomplice walked into a Moscow shopping mall and detached a cash machine containing 25,000 rubles (838 dollars, 613 euros), Moscow city police said in a statement.

A shop assistant who witnessed the crime called police and the two men were arrested as they tried to escape in a getaway car. The strongman later told police he was a professional sumo wrestler.

St. Paul man charged with beating up quadruple amputee; she blocked his view of TV

A St. Paul man beat up a quadruple amputee because he was angry that she was blocking his view of the television, according to a criminal complaint filed in Ramsey County District Court.

Jacoby Laquan Smith, 33, was charged with fifth degree assault, a misdemeanor, and interfering with a 911 call, a gross misdemeanor.

According to the complaint, St. Paul police were called on a domestic assault case at 6:49 a.m. March 22, and found a 28-year-old woman sitting in a wheelchair.

"Officers observed that all four of her limbs were amputated, her arms below the elbow and her legs above the knee," the complaint said.

The woman told police she shared an apartment with Smith on Jessie Street in St. Paul's East Side and an argument started because Smith became angry at her for getting in front of the television, the complaint said.

"The defendant threw the victim to the floor and punched her with a closed fist in the mouth and face more than ten times," the complaint said.

"The victim tried to gain access to her phone and manipulate the keys, which was difficult for her to do because of her handicap, but the defendant swiped her phone away and would not give it back," the complaint said.

The complaint said Smith also blocked the woman from leaving, but she was eventually able to convince him to take her to a SuperAmerica store to get ice to put on her face.

Once they arrived, the woman asked the attendant to call 911, the complaint said. Smith fled the gas station when he overheard that police were called, according to the complaint. As of Friday afternoon, Smith was still being sought by police.
The complaint said the woman had a split upper lip, a swollen lip and swelling to the left side of her face and jaw. The woman told police she was "very frightened" of Smith because he had a key to her apartment and still had her cell phone, her only means of communication, according to the complaint.

JOKE: "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies" and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it. Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant. Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me." Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"

VIDEO: This Cat Is Not a Dog Lover

First 'prostidude' leaves Shady Lady Ranch

The man who put the dude in prostidude has left the brothel business, but the Shady Lady Ranch vows to press on without him.

Though the Nye County bordello 150 miles northwest of Las Vegas has temporarily stopped servicing women, owner Bobbi Davis said she isn't ready to give up on her groundbreaking foray into legal male prostitution.

"We're just taking a little break," she said.

Markus, the Shady Lady's first stud for hire, called it quits a few weeks ago after drawing fewer than 10 customers. Since then, the workload has been shouldered by a Las Vegas man in his mid-30s who -- Davis swears she's not making this up -- performs under the name "Y. Not."

Davis said the new guy saw about 10 customers of his own before an electrical problem in the bungalow he was using forced the brothel to suspend the service earlier this week.

Davis hopes to put Y. Not back to work in May or June, just as soon as the wiring is fixed.

As for Markus, she said he "went back to do movies," a reference to his previous stint in the adult film business in Southern California.

Asked why he decided to leave, Davis said, "It was a mutual decision."

Markus made history in January when he became Nevada's first licensed male prostitute, but his brief stint at the Shady Lady was something of a disaster.

Before Davis barred him from any further contact with the media, Markus gave an interview to "Details" magazine in which he compared himself to civil rights heroine Rosa Parks.

He was on the job for 10 days before he attracted his first customer, and he only entertained six or seven women after that, Davis said.

One of those customers turned out to be an undercover reporter from the New York Post, who took pictures of Markus and wrote an unflattering, first-person account of her two hours with him.

"I think that was pretty sneaky," Davis said of the Post. "If that's the way they want to do business, that's up to them."

As far as she is concerned, the way the media in general attacked Markus was more than unfair; it was a double-standard.

"Several papers just cremated him. If it was a woman, they never would have gotten away with it," Davis said.

But no one was quite as cruel as the working women from some other Nevada brothels who posted about Markus on the discussion boards of their Web sites. "They were unmerciful," she said.

Even a few the women at the Shady Lady were "bitchy" about having to work alongside a man, Davis said.

"I don't know why. It's not like they're competing for the same customers."

Nevada's licensed prostitutes generally work as independent contractors, but the sex workers at the Shady Lady, men included, have agreed to the same rates: $300 for one hour, $500 for two.

The state's legal bordellos typically don't give out the real names of their prostitutes. Markus and Y. Not could not be located for comment.

The Shady Lady will remain open to its more traditional male clientele while the electrical work is done.

Davis said women catering to men will always be the main thrust of her business, but she's not ready to let go of her headline-grabbing experiment just yet.

"It was always a sideline. It was never the main course," she said. "We're going to try it for a while longer."

JOKES: Kids Are Funny...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Michael standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy..

And said quietly, 'Good morning Michael. Good morning Pastor, he replied, still focused on the plaque. Pastor, what is this?

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Michael's voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked

Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I'm Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I'm Methodist, and this is a casserole."

Hey Lady Want to See My Salamander?

VIDEO: Adorable Polar Bear Cub

money bag dropped by armored car sparks cash grab

Police in Ohio say tens of thousands of dollars are missing a day after a bag of cash fell from an armoured car, sparking a money grab.

A mad rush to pick up $20 bills broke out after the bag fell from the car in Columbus and split open.

It is unclear how much cash was in the bag, but media say it was at least $100,000.

Officers are reviewing mobile phone and surveillance videos to identify who has the missing cash.

"It's not free money," said a police sergeant. If people were found with the missing cash they would be charged, Sgt Dan Kelso said.

Car Destroying Dog Released on Good Behavior

On March 14, Winston left four cars - two of them Chattanooga police patrol vehicles - with flat tires and at least one missing bumper because of his aggression.

Mr. Emerling and his mother, Nancy Emerling, said they planned to take Winston home after a court hearing and felt lucky that he'd have a chance to go through court-ordered obedience training.

Chattanooga City Judge Sherry Paty said she will drop the citation for Winston being a "potentially dangerous dog" after six months if training is successful and no other problems occur.

Winston has been a "model prisoner" their lawyer said. "Actually, he'd been a model pet up until that Sunday," Mr. Emerling noted, still baffled by Winston's actions.

WOW: Doctors baffled by man with enormous breasts

Chinese doctors claim to have discovered the biggest case of man boobs in the world after a 53-year-old dairy farmer turned up at a specialist chest clinic in Beijing. Doctor Zhang Lilan at the Jinan Chest Hospital said: "The man is in every way male except for his enormous breasts. He is a farmer and says they are extremely uncomfortable as he has to do a lot of manual work and they get in the way of everything.

"He said it has also attracted a lot of attention in the village where he comes from with people turning up to point and laugh at him, so much so that he now has to wear a heavy coat to cover up his figure even in the hottest weather."

The man, 53-year-old Guo Feng, said: "About 10 years ago my chest started to get larger but I didn't think much of it as I was putting on weight all over - but in the last few years it's become unbearable and I have been from one hospital to the other with nobody able to help me.

"I have spent all my money on examinations and tests and am still no nearer a solution - in fact my breasts are now bigger than ever. I sometimes think the doctors don't want to help me with this because they find me a medical curiosity."

He says if no one can help him he will cut them off himself and has appealed for doctors to do something before that. But the doctors say they do not want to act until they have identified what the problem is.

Doctor Zhang Lilan added: "In 30 years of working as specialist here at the chest clinic I have never seen anything like it." Clinic boss Gaoyong Hong added: "We wondered if he had eaten any poisons or contaminants but have found nothing after testing his blood. His genetic material is also normal. We did an Xray. It is not a cancer. It seems to be fatty tissue - at the most the best we can suggest is that it is the biggest case of man boobs ever."

JOKE: cannibal island

Three guys were ship wrecked on an island a Frenchman, a Japanese, and a New-Yorker. They found themselves surrounded by large group of cannibals. The chief of the cannibals told them that he had good news and bad news. The bad news was that they were going to kill them and eat them and use their skin to cover their canoes so they float well. The good news was that he would let them chose how they were going to die.

He looks at the Frenchman and says how do you want to die, the Frenchman says dueling pistols so they give him a pistol he puts it to his head and says "viva le france" and pulls the trigger, they skin him ,eat him and use his skin to cover their canoe.

Then they ask Japanese guy the same question, he says Samurai sword, he puts the sword to his chest and says "sianara" and plunges the sword through his heart, the natives skin him eat him and use his skin to cover their canoe.

Then they ask the New Yorker how he wants to die. He says give me a fork, the cannibals watch amazed as the New Yorker proceeds to stab himself with the fork all over his entire body . The chief looks at him and says you could have chosen any way to die why did you use a fork? The New yorker responds in that way all proud cocky New Yorkers always do 'Screw your lousy canoes'

PHOTOS: 7 PUPPIES EATING ICE CREAM

Pennsylvania man tried to revive dead possum; alcohol likely involved

Police said a man will be charged with public drunkenness after several witnesses saw him attempting to resuscitate a road-killed opossum.

State police said they charged Donald Wolfe, 55, of Brookville, Jefferson County, after they arrived at the scene on Route 36 in Oliver Township around 3 p.m. Thursday.

A news release from police does not state how he was trying to revive the opossum.

VIDEO: Chinese lady attacks reporter after being stopped by police

Real-life crime took on a new meaning for an intrepid TV reporter who tried to interview a motorist who'd been stopped by traffic police.

The furious motorist took out her fury on the newsgirl, slapping her repeatedly and wrenching her hair by the roadside in Guizhou, southern China. It didn't end well for the driver. She got a ticket for speeding and then picked up a fine for assault.

VIDEO: Dog and Deer Playing..Great Music LOL

Franzl Lang: the World's Best Yodeler

VIDEO: Angry Panda Breaks Out Kung Fu Moves on Tree Branch

JOKE: BILL and SAM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.

Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up
for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill , but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill , what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

ty Patty

German pensioners jailed for kidnapping and torturing financial adviser

A gang of German pensioners have been handed jail terms for kidnapping their financial adviser and torturing him in a cellar for four days. Victim James Amburn blew the four wealthy OAPs' �2.3million savings on the US sub-prime mortgage market. And in a bizarre caper that left police astonished, the elderly plotters snatched him off the street and threw him into a specially prepared dungeon in a bid to force him to pay back the cash.

The kidnappers hit Amburn over the head with a walker and stuffed him in a cardboard box, then wrapped him in duct tape until he "looked like a mummy" after stopping to get their breath back.

They then bundled him into a car boot and took him 300 miles to a secret prison on the shores of picturesque Lake Chiemsee in Bavaria.

After stripping him him naked, they burned him with cigarettes and chained him up "like an animal". They also broke several of his ribs with a chair leg before 40 police commandos stormed the house and saved him.

"The fear of death was indescribable," Amburn, 56, who is being investigated for fraud, told the plotters' trial. "I didn't know if night was day or day was night. I never thought I'd make it out alive."

The ringleader of the gang, Ronald Koenig, 74, was jailed for six years. Koenig's sidekick, Willy Dehmer, 60, got four years. Koenig's wife Sieglinde, 79, got 21 months and doctor Iris Fell, 63, got 18 months. The women's sentences were suspended. The judge called it "a spectacular case of taking the law into their own hands". Prosecutors said the kidnap last June was "almost surreal - but it happened".

VIDEO UPDATE: Interview of Woman Who's Car Was Shoved Along By a Truck

JOKE:

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, moves across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

Bank robbers called ahead for take-out cash before robbing bank

In another chapter of dumb criminal classics, a man and a teen from Bridgeport allegedly thought they could rob a bank the same way people order take-out food.

Police said a 27-year-old and a 16-year-old called People's United Bank on Stratfield Road about 10 minutes before they came to collect their order Tuesday afternoon. They asked for $100,000 in large bills with no dye packs inside the bag, police said.

"You can't make this stuff up," said Sgt. James Perez, Fairfield police spokesman. "They literally called the bank and said to have the bag of money ready on the floor because they're coming to rob the place. And then they actually show up as the police were rolling in. I would classify these individuals as, `Not-too-bright.' They should have spent time in school instead of trying to rob a bank."

The 27-year-old was identified as Albert Bailey, of West Taft Avenue. Bailey was held without bond to be turned over to the Department of Correction because he was on probation for robbing a People's bank in Bridgeport in 2003, according to police and court records.

Bailey was caught the same day of his offense that time, too, and sentenced to seven years in jail, according to state Judicial Branch records.

The 16-year-old was not identified because of his age.

"They threatened to create `a blood bath' on their phone call to the bank," said Fairfield police Lt. Thomas Mrozek. However, he said, the suspects did not use a weapon.

Apparently, Bailey waited in a car parked in a nearby condominium complex lot while the 16-year-old swiped the cash bag and walked out with an undetermined amount of cash.

Fairfield Officer Michael Guilfoyle, a former Bridgeport Bluefish pitcher, spotted the youth -- he knew what he looked like, thanks to a description from the bank -- trying to get into the car.

Guilfoyle ran over, gun drawn, and stopped the suspects before they could leave the parking lot, Mrozek said.

Both robbery suspects were charged with first-degree robbery and first-degree threatening. The 16-year-old was sent to an area juvenile jail, police said.

Perez said he was pleased and proud that a bank security seminar he held about a month ago appears to be reaping good results.

Several representatives from People's -- which has seven branches in Fairfield -- were among more than 18 bank companies represented there and apparently took seriously the seminar's instruction on good and bad ways to report information to police, he said

A bank employee called police after the youths telephoned, and stayed on the phone to give officers updates as the robbery occurred, Perez said, crediting the bank with giving police good descriptions and "plenty of forewarning."

The robbers got what they ordered, he said, but "didn't expect police to be in the take-out line."

JOKE: A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time.

A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.

He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!

"What happened!" screamed the nurse.

"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

VIDEO: the Ladies Will Love This One I Think lol

Chick Pranks Dude In Shower - Watch more Funny Videos

James Bond fan builds flame-throwing scooter

A James Bond fan from England has invented a moped equipped with a flame thrower to help settle road rage disputes. Colin Furze, 30, spent a month converting the sports scooter, which can travel up to 60mph to produce a 15 foot jet of fire.

It took three attempts to make the flame-throwing moped, which works by pressing a button on the handlebar. "It's a lot of fun and when I fire the flames out the back it makes me feel just like James Bond," said Mr Furze.

"The flames are pretty big and up to 15 feet long so you could definitely set fire to someone's car if you wanted to. The only problem is it can get rather hot if you are riding the moped and blast the flames when the wind is in the wrong direction."

But sadly Mr Furze, who built the moped in his spare time in his back garden in Stamford, Lincs, will not legally be allowed to use it on the road. "I've been told that if I fire the flames while riding on the road it's equivalent to using a fire arm and I could be in a lot of trouble," he said.

Boy with 15 fingers and 16 toes to have surgery

A boy in China who has 31 fingers and toes - a world record - is to undergo surgery to remove the extras digits.

The 6-year-old boy, from the city of Shenyang in China's northeastern Liaoning province, has a total of 31 fingers and toes - 16 toes, and 15 fingers (although one of those fingers is incomplete, being a fork at the end of the right thumb.) Three fingers on each hand are fused together. That beats the current world record of 25, held jointly by two Indian children, Pranamya Menaria and Devendra Harne, who both have 12 fingers and 13 toes.

But the boy will go under the surgeon's knife to remove the additional digits. The boy has a condition known as polydactyly, in which one of a variety of genetic disorders - which can be inherited, or new mutations - gives rise to the supernumerary digits.

Most commonly, the extra digits appear on the little finger side of the hand - but this boy appears to have the much rarer condition of central polydactyly, in which the middle fingers and toes are duplicated.

w/VIDEO: Florida Man Gets 15 years for Breaking Into Jail

A Florida man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for violating his probation by trying to break into Brevard County jail.

Sylvester Jiles, 25, was caught trying to climb a 12-foot fence at the detention centre in August, just a week after being released following a plea deal on a manslaughter charge. He was rushed to hospital with severe cuts from the barbed wire.

At the time, he begged jail officials to take him back into custody, saying he feared retaliation from the victim's family. But officials refused his request, advising him to file a police report instead.

Jiles was convicted in January of trespassing on jail property and resisting an officer.

Newest Anti-Terrorist Weapon: Chili Grenades

The Indian military is getting ready to heat up the war on terror.

Defense officials plan to unleash the power of thumb-sized bhut jolokia, or ghost chili, in tear gas-like grenades, The Associated Press reported.

"The chili grenade has been found fit for use after trials in Indian defense laboratories, a fact confirmed by scientists at the Defense Research and Development Organization," Col. R. Kalia, a defense spokesman in the northeastern state of Assam, told the news service.

"This is definitely going to be an effective nontoxic weapon because its pungent smell can choke terrorists," said R. B. Srivastava, a director at the New Delhi headquarters of the organization.

The viciously hot pepper, named the planet's spiciest chili by Guinness World Records in 2007, is cultivated and consumed in northeastern India as a cure for stomach ailments and as an odd, albeit effective way to beat the brutal heat in summer, according to the report.

The bhut jolokia extract must be diluted more than 1.3 million times before its piquant flavor is undetectable to most people.

Life Sciences director Srivastava, who led a defense research laboratory in Assam, told the AP trials are also being conducted to produce bhut jolokia-based aerosol sprays that women can use to repel attackers, and for police use in mob control.

JOKE:

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was

 recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls 

were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. 

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press 

their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.  Every 

night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day

the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that 

something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom 

and met them there with 

the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were 

causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors

every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the

mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort

was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, 

and cleaned the mirror with it. Priceless!  Since then, there have been no 

lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers....and then there are educators