Two 14-year-old German boys have been charged with stealing €3,000 worth of jewelry from one of their mothers, to pay for a visit to a brothel. Police said the boys were still grinning as they were being questioned.
Caught in a "delirium of hormones," as a police statement on Monday put it, the two boys got only a tenth of the value of the jewels when they sold them to a canny gold dealer.
"With their proceeds of €300, the pair didn't just buy pizza, kebabs, and have a game on the fruit machines," police spokesman Ralf Minet said. They also paid two visits to a brothel in the red light district of Karlsruhe, southwest Germany.
Buoyed by the night's experiences, “one could still see a delighted smile on the faces of the thieves during their interrogation," Minet's statement said. "But the little rascals' smiles, who are not unknown to the police by the way, disappeared soon enough, especially because they will have to pay for the reversal of the transaction out of their pocket money," he added. The boys are to be charged for theft.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those." she said, "They're for the funeral."
A fisherman found a human finger in the belly of a trout caught in a remote northern Idaho lake. And detectives located the owner, who delivered a surprising message.
Despite the hard work of investigators, Haans Galassi said he did not want to be reunited with his severed digit.
"At first the sheriff asked me if I wanted it back, and I was thinking 'um, no!" Galassi, 31, said.
The reunion may bring back too much pain for Galassi, who is getting over the accident two months ago on an Idaho lake.
Galassi was wakeboarding on Priest Lake in July while holding on to a rope attached to a speed boat. Then things went terribly wrong.
He noticed too much slack in the rope, tried to correct it and the rope wrapped around his left hand, he said.
"It pulled me over in the water and dragged me for a few feet before it broke me free," Galassi said. "I didn't feel pain at first, just numbness, and I pulled my hand out of water and it was bad news. I look and see I'm missing all four fingers at that point."
Galassi was rushed to the hospital and has been trying to get by without his fingers. He learned that he can still grip and grab items such as a steering wheel with his affected hand.
And then he got the strange phone call Tuesday from Det. Gary Johnston of the Bonner County Sheriff's Department.
The fisherman who found the finger on September 11 quickly put it in a freezer and called the sheriff's department, Johnston said.
"The lake is cold and deep so it was in remarkably good shape," Johnston said. "We'd fingerprinted it and sent it to the state lab to match what's on file and lo and behold, they came back and said that's Haans' little finger."
Fisherman Calvin Nolan told CNN how he made the grisly discovery as he gutted a trout caught by his friend Mark Blackstone as they fished together.
He had noticed something in the gut of the fish that he thought looked like a crawdad, or crayfish, which they had been using as bait -- but Blackstone said, "No, that's a finger."
Nolan said the digit was very well preserved when they first found it, adding: "It was as fresh as if it was on my finger."
The two fishermen, who turned the 4-5 lb trout over to the sheriff's department, were so amazed by their unlikely discovery that they both bought lottery tickets afterward, Nolan said.
"I've caught a zillion fish, but never one with a human finger," he added.
In the meantime, since Galassi said he did not want the finger, the sheriff's department will leave it in an evidence freezer in case he changes his mind, Johnston said.
And Galassi may just do that.
"Now I'm thinking, what if I can get it put back on?" he said. "I've called my doctor to see if they can put it back on and I'm waiting for him to call me back."
A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks up the the bar and sits down. He proceeds to order a beer for himself and for the little Leprechaun.
Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks at the construction worker and goes, "pfffffft" right to the big guy's face.
Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on this breach of manners.
After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "pffffffft" to the construction workers face.
The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is visibly bothered, but decides not to do anything again.
Well sure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer. Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction worker and goes,"pffffffft" to his face. Well, this time the big guy has had enough of the little guy's manners and walks over to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.
The construction worker tells this fella, "If your little friend does that again, I'm gonna cut off his little dick!" The fellow tells the big guy "Well Leprechauns don't have dicks." The big guy asks, "Well how does he go pee?" The fellow with the Leprechaun on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, "pffffffft."
A Chinese restaurant in Williamsburg, Kentucky, has been forced to shut its doors after getting caught with a dead deer in the kitchen. It happened on Thursday afternoon at the Red Flower Chinese Restaurant.
"We were actually joking about the, you know, the whole Chinese restaurant. You know some rumors that you hear," said customer, Katie Hopkins. But, Hopkins and her friends never imaged what would happen after finishing their buffet lunches.
"Two of the workers came in wheeling a garbage can and they had a box sitting on top of it. And hanging out of the garbage can, they were trying to be real quick with it. So that nobody could see it. But there was like a tail, and a foot and leg. Sticking out of the garbage can and they wheeled it straight back into the kitchen," adds Hopkins. Hopkins immediately called the health department to describe what she saw.
"Many people eat there. A lot of locals eat there on lunch breaks and stuff. It was very disturbing. There was actually a blood trail that they were mopping up behind the garbage can," she said. Paul Lawson, the environmental health inspector in Whitley County says this is the craziest thing he's ever seen. After he arrived at the Chinese restaurant on south highway 25 West, he says the complaints proved to be true after finding roadkill in the restaurant's kitchen. Lawson said that the owner's son admitted to picking up a dead deer off the side of I-75 north in Williamsburg. This prompted the health department to immediately shut down the business. "They said they didn't know that they weren't allowed to. So that makes me concerned. But maybe they could have before. They didn't admit to doing it before," says Lawson. Lawson says that the restaurant can reopen if they pass a secondary health inspection, proving that they have washed, rinsed, and sanitized the restaurant after having roadkill inside. The restaurant owner told the health department that he wasn't going to serve the road kill to customers, but instead to his family. The Red Flower Chinese Restaurant will not face any fines.
Although critics argue that mixing alligators and 8-year-olds is bad parenting, Florida alligator wrangler Bob Barrett calls it a party. And for $175, Barrett will bring a gator directly to a home.
Tampa-area parents looking for something more than a clown or pizza for their children's birthday parties now need look no further than Barrett's Alligator Attraction, which will bring an alligator straight to their backyard pool to swim with the children.
"It just took off like wildfire, Barrett said. "Everybody loves having the gator pool parties."
Barrett runs The Alligator Attraction of Madeira Beach, Fla., where visitors can pay to hold and feed rescued baby gators. He says the inspiration for his party idea came when business was sluggish in the summer and he saw other options that were available for children's parties.
"If you're 9, 10 or 11 years old, you've already had the 'jumparoo' house, the bounce house, you've had the pizza party, you've had the clown party," Barrett said. "You get to have a pool party with a gator. It's a very popular party."
Tampa-area mother Chris Jones opted for the alligator party idea when she was looking for something unique for son Marshall's 8th birthday party earlier this summer.
"They really were so into it," Jones said of her party's attendees.
It turns out her son wasn't the only person surprised by the reptile party guests.
"We allowed all the children to come to the party and the parents without telling them about the alligators," Jones said.
This is all safe, said Barrett, who tapes the baby gators' mouths shut before the party. He says that because the muscles they use to open their mouths are weak, there is virtually no risk of children being bitten.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission has determined that Barrett isn't doing anything illegal, but added in a statement, "We will say that this is not something that we encourage."
But 8-year-old Marshall Jones doesn't care, and he wouldn't mind seeing these party animals at his house again next year.
"They go really fast," he gushed. "They're like, really cool."
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mom."
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. "Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."
His mother smiling said to him, "Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son.
The tiny kitten, its eyes still shut, was only a couple of days old when Pat Weber's teenage grandson found it on the cold floor of a barn at their Jordan, Minnesota, home. "He brought her into the house and said 'I think she's dead,' " Weber recalled. "But I held her in the palm of my hand, and I could tell she was moving." The kitten, nothing more than a "little fur ball," had apparently been abandoned by its mother, who was nowhere to be seen. That's when Mittens, Weber's 4-year-old Pekingese dog, took over.
As Weber put the kitten on the carpeted floor to call a veterinarian, Mittens approached, nuzzled the kitten and let her suckle, even though the dog wasn't pregnant or nursing a litter of her own. She had given birth to puppies, but that was two years ago. Three days after their first encounter, Mittens began producing milk, becoming the kitten's sole source of sustenance. "She decided that little kitten needed a mother," Weber said. Now called Bootsie, the charcoal-grey kitten with white paws has become a lively, meowing addition to the Weber household.
"I couldn't believe it at first," Weber said. "Later I took some pictures and took them to church and told people I had a miracle to share. The miracle was that after three days my dog had milk to feed the kitten with, and I didn't have to get up every two hours to feed her formula out of bottle." Stephen Lavallee, the New Prague veterinarian who has examined Mittens and Bootsie, said both animals are healthy and the kitten is gaining weight at a normal rate. Lavallee had not previously encountered a case of a dog nursing a cat, but he said it is not unheard of.
John King, a Le Sueur veterinarian and executive director of the Minnesota Veterinary Medical Association, agrees. "There's a strong maternal instinct in many animals, and they will foster other species. It depends on the temperament of the individual animals, both the baby and particularly the mother," he said. Weber said her dog is affectionate by nature and loves babies such as her 9-month-old great-grandson. Even so, she marvels at the interaction between Mittens and Bootsie, even when the kitten isn't nursing. They play and cuddle, and the dog licks and cleans and the kitten. "Hormones will do strange things, that's about all the vet said," Weber said.
A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!" So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."
Meet the luckiest truck driver in Russia. A dashcam video caught a Russian truck driver crashing head-on with a tractor trailer, flying through the windshield, miraculously landing on his feet and walking away. The accident happened on a bypass near the city of Vladimir.
* The voices in my head told me to clean all the guns today.
* When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the crapper, but I feel good about it.
* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
* I prefer to remain an enigma.
* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
* I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
"Shoes that guide you home." That could be the advertising slogan for a pair of GPS -embedded shoes made in England.
The shoes were designed by British designer Dominic Wilcox, and are called, appropriately enough, the "No Place Like Home GPS Shoes" because they are designed to help direct you "no matter where you are in the world."
Given the name, no surprise that the footwear were inspired by Dorothy Gale, the famous Kansan in The Wizard of Oz who found herself lost and wished herself home by clicking her shoes. In this real-world homage, a magnet in the right shoe and a sensor in the left detects when the magnet is near -- indicating a click has occurred. This activates the GPS.
The bespoke -- British for "custom-made" -- shoes were commissioned by Global Footprint, a visual arts and living heritage program in Northamptonshire, England. On his Web site, Wilcox noted that the town is "famous for shoe making," part of the reason he decided to make "a pair of shoes that can navigate you to anywhere you wish to travel to."
The wearer uploads the required destination to the shoes via some bespoke mapping software and a USB cable. The shoes communicate to the owner through LED lights that point in the direction you should go to reach the destination. A bar of progress lights shows how close you are to your destination.
The shoes, which were created with interactive arts and technology expert Becky Stewart and Stamp Shoes, a Northamptonshire shoemaker, show one red LED light in the tip of the toes when the journey has begun. The journey ends when a green light appears in its place. The correct direction to proceed is indicated by which part of a circle of LEDs on the shoetip is lit.
Beggars at a religious folk festival in southern China have been ordered to stay in purposely built cages, or be removed from the festivities. Organisers gave the beggars an ultimatum saying their presence ruins the experience for visitors at the temple fair in Nanchang, Jiangxi province and if they wished to beg they had to do so from inside small cages. The zoo-like cages are so small adults are unable to stand and although they are free to leave at will, they are immediately banished from the festival area and have to leave the city if they do so.
The annual fair celebrates a religious holy day with a funfair, market and entertainment as pilgrims come to the temple from all over China. Due to the thousands of visitors it has become a magnet for down-and-outs looking for charity from festival-goers. ‘This year we decided we would no longer accept beggars wandering everywhere, distressing our guests and spoiling it for everyone else,' explained one organiser before adding that no one is forcing them to beg and that they have voluntarily entered the cages. Over the last few years we have had increasing numbers of beggars turning up at the festival and it was becoming very intruding for our visitors. They were being harassed and made to feel uncomfortable.
‘We had no choice but to ban them from the grounds. We found the cages a good solution for everyone. People can still give them donations if they desire too but are not harassed and followed around the festival when they are having a day out with their families. The beggars are quite comfortable in their cages, people send them food and water as gifts. In a way it is better for them there than having to find a place on the busy streets. Our guests come here to enjoy themselves and that is our top priority. The beggars can leave whenever they like but they have to leave the city too, they can't go into the fair,’ they added.
The cages have infuriated human rights campaigners in China who have branded them a human zoo. ‘They are treating them like zoo animals. What will they have to do next - tricks for their food?‘ said one. ‘They are kept behind iron railings at the entrance to the fair, they are supplied with water and food by festival organisers but have to eat it stuck in these cages. This is nothing less than public humiliation. Do they want people to believe the region has no poor people and just put on a good show? These people need help. We should not be allowing them to be locked away in cages. These people are human beings too.’
A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"
After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it, and then took it back home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"The story was that we thought about saving the roof for the kids to play in but had no way to get it down so we just decided to knock it down and well as you can see the roof was saved!!!!!I If you would like to see the unedited video here is the link to the unedited video of the funny dancing falling silo."
An extremely dedicated dog has continued to show its loyalty, keeping watch on its owner's grave six years after he passed away. Capitan, a German shepherd, reportedly ran away from home after its owner, Miguel Guzman, died in 2006. A week later, the Guzman family found the dog sitting by his grave in central Argentina. Miguel Guzman adopted Capitan in 2005 as a gift for his teenage son, Damian. And for the past six years, Capitan has continued to stand guard at Miguel's grave. The family says the dog rarely leaves the site. "We searched for him, but he had vanished," widow Veronica Guzman told LaVoz.com. "We thought he must have got run over and died. 'The following Sunday we went to the cemetery, and Damian recognized his pet. Capitan came up to us, barking and wailing as if he were crying." Adding to the unusual circumstances, Veronica says the family never brought Capitan to the cemetery before he was discovered there. "It is a mystery how he managed to find the place," she said. Cemetery director Hector Baccega says he and his staff have begun feeding and taking care of Capitan. "He turned up here one day, all on his own, and started wandering all around the cemetery until he eventually found the tomb of his master," Baccega said. "During the day he sometimes has a walk around the cemetery, but always rushes back to the grave. And every day, at six o'clock sharp, he lies down on top of the grave, stays there all night." But the Guzman family hasn't abandoned Capitan. Damian says the family has tried to bring Capitan home several times but that he always returns to the cemetery on his own. "I think he's going to be there until he dies, too. He's looking after my dad," he said.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,
"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:
A Chinese mother of identical quadruplet boys has come up with a novel way of helping teachers and classmates tell her four sons apart - she has shaved their heads with the numbers one to four. According to Tan Chaoyun, teachers at their primary school in Shenzen, Guangdong Province, were worried that people would not be able to tell the difference between her four six-year-old sons. "They are identical, even to me", she said, adding that the only difference between them is the shape of their eyelids. This has led to some problems when it comes to keeping the children under control. "Their father [has trouble] telling the differences among them," Tan revealed. "Sometimes he would punish the second one for the third one's mistake." When the boys were younger, Tan resorted to using ankle tags to tell them apart. Now she has taken a more drastic step to distinguish the boys from each other. "Teachers and classmates can't get confused with the big marks on their head," she added.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye..
She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.
"No, honey, that dress doesn't make you look fat. You make that dress look fat."
"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger." "This vest is guaranteed to be totally bullet-proof." "Whoops." "Hey, watch this!" "I know how to fly a plane, I just don't know how to land." "Oh, yeah? You don't look so tough." "I'm sure it's perfectly safe." "Don't worry. These natives aren't cannibals!" "Here, hold my beer!"
Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen stepped up and ask him if he had felt the earthquake during the night.
"I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us."
The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?"
"Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening."
"Is that right? And what did your wife think about it?"
Morris answered, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lied about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he came to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed. But the therapist was surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally said yes when the doctor got to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
An elderly man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room, and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the elderly man stammers, "My goodness, Doc. Exactly what's my problem?"
The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
A South Australian couple may be the first to be charged with offences under the Environmental Protection Act - as a direct result of their noisy sex. Jessica Angel and Colin MacKenzie are madly in love. The only problem is, their whole neighbourhood knows it, too. After repeated complaints about their passionate but noisy love-making, police have been forced to step in to give their neighbours some peace and quiet. The couple from Adelaide's Black Forest suburb are believed to be the first in South Australia to be charged with offences under the Environmental Protection Act - as a direct result of their noisy sex and could face up to a $4000 fine. Police patrols have been to the couple's unit 20 times since April.
The latest callouts - last Sunday night and twice early on Tuesday morning - resulted in the couple being charged with disturbing the public peace and hindering an environmental protection officer. "We exceeded the noise pollution to the point we were arrested and taken out of our own house and told we couldn't have sex," a stunned Ms Angel said. Mr MacKenzie said: "It is completely over the top. I have been fined for having sex in my own house." On Sunday night, Ms Angel, 34, allegedly the loudest, was issued with an emergency Environment Protection Order by police. The 72-hour order required her to cease "emanating any and all environmental nuisance" including "screaming, loud moaning, swearing and raised voices". Despite the order - issued at 7.30 Sunday night - police were called back early on Tuesday morning. Ms Angel and Mr MacKenzie were fined $315 for breaching Sunday's police order and again warned to be quiet.
At 3.30am, police were called again, after a further complaint about their noisy sex.
This time the couple was arrested after being woken by officers and taken to Sturt police station, formally charged and given police bail to appear in Adelaide Magistrates Court next month. Ms Angel said police told them Sunday night's callout was in response to a report of a domestic dispute and "screaming", but that was wrong. "We were just having sex. No way were we fighting. We were being intimate Sunday and into Sunday night," she said. She said she was shocked to receive the order, but when fined for breaching that order, then formally charged early on Tuesday this turned to disbelief. An unrepentant Mr MacKenzie, 45, conceded they were noisy during sex, but said their neighbours could easily have knocked on the door themselves instead of calling police. "It is mostly Jessie," he said. "Our average sex goes anywhere from four, six, seven hours, basically five nights a week. That's pretty much why I am asleep at six o'clock in the afternoon. I will probably die of a heart attack, she is almost killing me as it is."
Mr MacKenzie said he felt many complaints were malicious, and on some occasions they were not even at home. "We can't even have sex. It's ridiculous and has gone beyond a joke," he said. And to be charged for being too loud, what did they bring a decimetre or something with them in the middle of it? This is all going on someone's hearsay. It is bizarre. What are people doing, just sitting in their flat listening to me and then they say, `I don't like the sound of that so I will ring up and complain.'? How can you live in a place where you can't have sex? It's ridiculous." Sturt Police Detective Chief Inspector Trevor Lovegrove said the incident was "certainly one of the more interesting matters police have had to deal with. We don't want to be seen as the killjoy police because we're certainly not. People have a right to privacy within their own home, but when their actions impact others police need to step in before a situation escalates. In the past, police have been called to the property and warnings issued. On this occasion police had been called earlier in the night, so when called back they took steps to ensure neighbours got a good night's sleep."
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck gal are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck gal, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says: "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
A little old lady went into the bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay. But since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
One weekend, a man decided to call his mother in Florida because it had been quite some time since they had chatted. The man asked his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not to good. I' have been very weak."
The son then asked, "Mom, why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"
His mother replied, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
