JOKE: A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun

A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks up the the bar and sits down. He proceeds to order a beer for himself and for the little Leprechaun.

Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks at the construction worker and goes, "pfffffft" right to the big guy's face.

Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on this breach of manners.

After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "pffffffft" to the construction workers face.

The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is visibly bothered, but decides not to do anything again.

Well sure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer. Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction worker and goes,"pffffffft" to his face. Well, this time the big guy has had enough of the little guy's manners and walks over to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.

The construction worker tells this fella, "If your little friend does that again, I'm gonna cut off his little dick!" The fellow tells the big guy "Well Leprechauns don't have dicks." The big guy asks, "Well how does he go pee?" The fellow with the Leprechaun on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, "pffffffft."

VIDEO: Kentucky Chinese restaurant shut down after roadkill deer found in kitchen

A Chinese restaurant in Williamsburg, Kentucky, has been forced to shut its doors after getting caught with a dead deer in the kitchen. It happened on Thursday afternoon at the Red Flower Chinese Restaurant.

"We were actually joking about the, you know, the whole Chinese restaurant. You know some rumors that you hear," said customer, Katie Hopkins. But, Hopkins and her friends never imaged what would happen after finishing their buffet lunches.

"Two of the workers came in wheeling a garbage can and they had a box sitting on top of it. And hanging out of the garbage can, they were trying to be real quick with it. So that nobody could see it. But there was like a tail, and a foot and leg. Sticking out of the garbage can and they wheeled it straight back into the kitchen," adds Hopkins. Hopkins immediately called the health department to describe what she saw.

"Many people eat there. A lot of locals eat there on lunch breaks and stuff. It was very disturbing. There was actually a blood trail that they were mopping up behind the garbage can," she said. Paul Lawson, the environmental health inspector in Whitley County says this is the craziest thing he's ever seen. After he arrived at the Chinese restaurant on south highway 25 West, he says the complaints proved to be true after finding roadkill in the restaurant's kitchen. Lawson said that the owner's son admitted to picking up a dead deer off the side of I-75 north in Williamsburg. This prompted the health department to immediately shut down the business. "They said they didn't know that they weren't allowed to. So that makes me concerned. But maybe they could have before. They didn't admit to doing it before," says Lawson. Lawson says that the restaurant can reopen if they pass a secondary health inspection, proving that they have washed, rinsed, and sanitized the restaurant after having roadkill inside. The restaurant owner told the health department that he wasn't going to serve the road kill to customers, but instead to his family. The Red Flower Chinese Restaurant will not face any fines.

VIDEO: Cat and Rat at Play

VIDEO: Alligator for Hire for Kids Birthday Parties

Although critics argue that mixing alligators and 8-year-olds is bad parenting, Florida alligator wrangler Bob Barrett calls it a party. And for $175, Barrett will bring a gator directly to a home.

Tampa-area parents looking for something more than a clown or pizza for their children's birthday parties now need look no further than Barrett's Alligator Attraction, which will bring an alligator straight to their backyard pool to swim with the children.

"It just took off like wildfire, Barrett said. "Everybody loves having the gator pool parties."

Barrett runs The Alligator Attraction of Madeira Beach, Fla., where visitors can pay to hold and feed rescued baby gators. He says the inspiration for his party idea came when business was sluggish in the summer and he saw other options that were available for children's parties.

"If you're 9, 10 or 11 years old, you've already had the 'jumparoo' house, the bounce house, you've had the pizza party, you've had the clown party," Barrett said. "You get to have a pool party with a gator. It's a very popular party."

Tampa-area mother Chris Jones opted for the alligator party idea when she was looking for something unique for son Marshall's 8th birthday party earlier this summer.

"They really were so into it," Jones said of her party's attendees.

It turns out her son wasn't the only person surprised by the reptile party guests.

"We allowed all the children to come to the party and the parents without telling them about the alligators," Jones said.

This is all safe, said Barrett, who tapes the baby gators' mouths shut before the party. He says that because the muscles they use to open their mouths are weak, there is virtually no risk of children being bitten.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission has determined that Barrett isn't doing anything illegal, but added in a statement, "We will say that this is not something that we encourage."

But 8-year-old Marshall Jones doesn't care, and he wouldn't mind seeing these party animals at his house again next year.

"They go really fast," he gushed. "They're like, really cool."

JOKE: CAN'T MARRY YOUR SISTER

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mom."

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. "Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."

His mother smiling said to him, "Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son.

GOT CAPTION? 9/26

VIDEO: Texas Police Officer Pushes Woman Away From Car Crash

VIDEO: Dog adopts abandoned kitten

The tiny kitten, its eyes still shut, was only a couple of days old when Pat Weber's teenage grandson found it on the cold floor of a barn at their Jordan, Minnesota, home. "He brought her into the house and said 'I think she's dead,' " Weber recalled. "But I held her in the palm of my hand, and I could tell she was moving." The kitten, nothing more than a "little fur ball," had apparently been abandoned by its mother, who was nowhere to be seen. That's when Mittens, Weber's 4-year-old Pekingese dog, took over.

As Weber put the kitten on the carpeted floor to call a veterinarian, Mittens approached, nuzzled the kitten and let her suckle, even though the dog wasn't pregnant or nursing a litter of her own. She had given birth to puppies, but that was two years ago. Three days after their first encounter, Mittens began producing milk, becoming the kitten's sole source of sustenance. "She decided that little kitten needed a mother," Weber said. Now called Bootsie, the charcoal-grey kitten with white paws has become a lively, meowing addition to the Weber household.

"I couldn't believe it at first," Weber said. "Later I took some pictures and took them to church and told people I had a miracle to share. The miracle was that after three days my dog had milk to feed the kitten with, and I didn't have to get up every two hours to feed her formula out of bottle." Stephen Lavallee, the New Prague veterinarian who has examined Mittens and Bootsie, said both animals are healthy and the kitten is gaining weight at a normal rate. Lavallee had not previously encountered a case of a dog nursing a cat, but he said it is not unheard of.

John King, a Le Sueur veterinarian and executive director of the Minnesota Veterinary Medical Association, agrees. "There's a strong maternal instinct in many animals, and they will foster other species. It depends on the temperament of the individual animals, both the baby and particularly the mother," he said. Weber said her dog is affectionate by nature and loves babies such as her 9-month-old great-grandson. Even so, she marvels at the interaction between Mittens and Bootsie, even when the kitten isn't nursing. They play and cuddle, and the dog licks and cleans and the kitten. "Hormones will do strange things, that's about all the vet said," Weber said.

VIDEO: Funny Cats

JOKE: Gorilla Love

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!" So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."

GOT CAPTION? 9/25

VIDEO: The Luckiest Truck Driver in Russia

Meet the luckiest truck driver in Russia. A dashcam video caught a Russian truck driver crashing head-on with a tractor trailer, flying through the windshield, miraculously landing on his feet and walking away. The accident happened on a bypass near the city of Vladimir.

GOT CAPTION? 9/23

VIDEO: Mama Duck Fights Crows Attacking Baby Ducklings

VIDEO: Best Parrot Human Conversation Ever

JOKE: BUMPER SNICKERS...

BUMPER SNICKERS...

01. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

02. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

03. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

04. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

05. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

06. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

07. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

08. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

09. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

15. Flying Figs Gather No Moss.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

23. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

GOT CAPTION? 9/22

JOKE: EXCUSES FOR CALLING IN SICK

* The voices in my head told me to clean all the guns today.

* When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the crapper, but I feel good about it.

* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma.

* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

* I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

GOT CAPTION? 9/21

GPS-Equipped Shoes Show You the Way Home

"Shoes that guide you home." That could be the advertising slogan for a pair of GPS -embedded shoes made in England.

The shoes were designed by British designer Dominic Wilcox, and are called, appropriately enough, the "No Place Like Home GPS Shoes" because they are designed to help direct you "no matter where you are in the world."

Given the name, no surprise that the footwear were inspired by Dorothy Gale, the famous Kansan in The Wizard of Oz who found herself lost and wished herself home by clicking her shoes. In this real-world homage, a magnet in the right shoe and a sensor in the left detects when the magnet is near -- indicating a click has occurred. This activates the GPS.

The bespoke -- British for "custom-made" -- shoes were commissioned by Global Footprint, a visual arts and living heritage program in Northamptonshire, England. On his Web site, Wilcox noted that the town is "famous for shoe making," part of the reason he decided to make "a pair of shoes that can navigate you to anywhere you wish to travel to."

The wearer uploads the required destination to the shoes via some bespoke mapping software and a USB cable. The shoes communicate to the owner through LED lights that point in the direction you should go to reach the destination. A bar of progress lights shows how close you are to your destination.

The shoes, which were created with interactive arts and technology expert Becky Stewart and Stamp Shoes, a Northamptonshire shoemaker, show one red LED light in the tip of the toes when the journey has begun. The journey ends when a green light appears in its place. The correct direction to proceed is indicated by which part of a circle of LEDs on the shoetip is lit.

Making Animated GIF Images is Fun

you take a series of stop action photos and then put them together..like this

or this

http://www.gickr.com/

GOT CAPTION? 9/20

Chinese festival bosses put beggars in cages so they wouldn't bother visitors

Beggars at a religious folk festival in southern China have been ordered to stay in purposely built cages, or be removed from the festivities. Organisers gave the beggars an ultimatum saying their presence ruins the experience for visitors at the temple fair in Nanchang, Jiangxi province and if they wished to beg they had to do so from inside small cages. The zoo-like cages are so small adults are unable to stand and although they are free to leave at will, they are immediately banished from the festival area and have to leave the city if they do so.



The annual fair celebrates a religious holy day with a funfair, market and entertainment as pilgrims come to the temple from all over China. Due to the thousands of visitors it has become a magnet for down-and-outs looking for charity from festival-goers. ‘This year we decided we would no longer accept beggars wandering everywhere, distressing our guests and spoiling it for everyone else,' explained one organiser before adding that no one is forcing them to beg and that they have voluntarily entered the cages. Over the last few years we have had increasing numbers of beggars turning up at the festival and it was becoming very intruding for our visitors. They were being harassed and made to feel uncomfortable. ‘We had no choice but to ban them from the grounds. We found the cages a good solution for everyone. People can still give them donations if they desire too but are not harassed and followed around the festival when they are having a day out with their families. The beggars are quite comfortable in their cages, people send them food and water as gifts. In a way it is better for them there than having to find a place on the busy streets. Our guests come here to enjoy themselves and that is our top priority. The beggars can leave whenever they like but they have to leave the city too, they can't go into the fair,’ they added.



The cages have infuriated human rights campaigners in China who have branded them a human zoo. ‘They are treating them like zoo animals. What will they have to do next - tricks for their food?‘ said one. ‘They are kept behind iron railings at the entrance to the fair, they are supplied with water and food by festival organisers but have to eat it stuck in these cages. This is nothing less than public humiliation. Do they want people to believe the region has no poor people and just put on a good show? These people need help. We should not be allowing them to be locked away in cages. These people are human beings too.’

VIDEO: Pig rescues baby goat

JOKE: LOST

A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"

After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it, and then took it back home."

Again, the young man said, "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,

"This one time, I got lost."

VIDEO: Bulldog Loves His Trampoline

JOKE: #### 25 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK ####

01. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

02. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

04. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it is hard to pronounce.

05. I am really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

06. Ah. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

07. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

08. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

09. Does everyone visualize duct tape over your mouth so early into the conversation.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about your being competent.

11. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

12. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

13. What am I? ...Flypaper for freaks?

14. And your cry baby, whiny butt opinion would be?

15. Do I LOOK like a people person?

16. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

17. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

18. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

19. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

20. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

21. Interesting perfume. Must you marinate in it?

22. God loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

23. How about never? Is never good for you?

24. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

25. CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.

GOT CAPTION? 9/18

VIDEO: This Sheep is a Scream

VIDEO: Funny dancing falling Silo

"The story was that we thought about saving the roof for the kids to play in but had no way to get it down so we just decided to knock it down and well as you can see the roof was saved!!!!!I If you would like to see the unedited video here is the link to the unedited video of the funny dancing falling silo."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qck-CoERnM0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Dog stands guard over deceased owner’s grave for six years

An extremely dedicated dog has continued to show its loyalty, keeping watch on its owner's grave six years after he passed away.
Capitan, a German shepherd, reportedly ran away from home after its owner, Miguel Guzman, died in 2006. A week later, the Guzman family found the dog sitting by his grave in central Argentina.
 Miguel Guzman adopted Capitan in 2005 as a gift for his teenage son, Damian. And for the past six years, Capitan has continued to stand guard at Miguel's grave. The family says the dog rarely leaves the site.
 "We searched for him, but he had vanished," widow Veronica Guzman told LaVoz.com. "We thought he must have got run over and died.
 'The following Sunday we went to the cemetery, and Damian recognized his pet. Capitan came up to us, barking and wailing as if he were crying."
 Adding to the unusual circumstances, Veronica says the family never brought Capitan to the cemetery before he was discovered there.
 "It is a mystery how he managed to find the place," she said.
Cemetery director Hector Baccega says he and his staff have begun feeding and taking care of Capitan.
 "He turned up here one day, all on his own, and started wandering all around the cemetery until he eventually found the tomb of his master," Baccega said.
 "During the day he sometimes has a walk around the cemetery, but always rushes back to the grave. And every day, at six o'clock sharp, he lies down on top of the grave, stays there all night."
 But the Guzman family hasn't abandoned Capitan. Damian says the family has tried to bring Capitan home several times but that he always returns to the cemetery on his own.
 "I think he's going to be there until he dies, too. He's looking after my dad," he said.

VIDEO: Hilarious Dogs in Boots Compilation

JOKE: The Jewish daughter

A Jewish daughter says, "mother I'm divorcing Irv.

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece

when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

you live in an 8 bedroom mansion

you drive a $650,000 Ferrari,

you get $5,000 a week allowance,

you take 6 vacations a year and

you want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

GOT CAPTION? 9/13

JOKE: Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the

supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

GOT CAPTION? 9/10

VIDEO: Cute Alert..Porter the English Bulldog Hates His Harness

VIDEO: I Like This Girl! There Are Limits..Even for Authority Figures

VIDEO: Toddler and Puppy

JOKE: Pastor Fuzz

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

GOT CAPTION? 9/8

JOKE: Jungle Drums

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,

"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:

"Bass Solo"

GOT CAPTION? 9/6

VIDEO: Mother shaves numbers into quadruplets hair so teachers can tell them apart

A Chinese mother of identical quadruplet boys has come up with a novel way of helping teachers and classmates tell her four sons apart - she has shaved their heads with the numbers one to four.
According to Tan Chaoyun, teachers at their primary school in Shenzen, Guangdong Province, were worried that people would not be able to tell the difference between her four six-year-old sons. "They are identical, even to me", she said, adding that the only difference between them is the shape of their eyelids.
This has led to some problems when it comes to keeping the children under control. "Their father [has trouble] telling the differences among them," Tan revealed. "Sometimes he would punish the second one for the third one's mistake."
When the boys were younger, Tan resorted to using ankle tags to tell them apart. Now she has taken a more drastic step to distinguish the boys from each other. "Teachers and classmates can't get confused with the big marks on their head," she added.

JOKE: The Innkeeper's Daughter

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. 

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" 

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

JOKE: Got Peaches

A  farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and
a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered
the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would
you like to buy some peaches?' 

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as
firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little
tear ran from his eye. 

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they
nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came
from the other eye.. 

She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy
as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on
earth are you crying?' 

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my
soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get
screwed out of my peaches. 

JOKE: Famous Last Words

 "No, honey, that dress doesn't make you look fat. You make that dress look fat."

"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

 "This vest is guaranteed to be totally bullet-proof."

 "Whoops."

 "Hey, watch this!"

 "I know how to fly a plane, I just don't know how to land."

 "Oh, yeah? You don't look so tough."

 "I'm sure it's perfectly safe."

 "Don't worry. These natives aren't cannibals!"

 "Here, hold my beer!"

VIDEO: Terrifying Sea Creature Grabs Dog

I had to make this lol