I've been away. I've missed you. No accounting for health.

through it all, my friends and good smoke has made a huge difference... to wit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXvJ8UquYoo&feature=em-share_video_user

Blonde Joke~

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’
The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.’
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.’
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’

Aussie Funny~

                          

                   

Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.  There he meets an Glen, an Aussie farmer and gets talking.  The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh yeah.  We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.'

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.'

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, 'And what are those?'

'Glen', the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas.'

VIDEO: Donald Trump’s hair discovered crawling in Amazon

No, Donald Trump doesn’t put his hair on a big leaf when he goes to bed. This crazy, hairpiece-looking clump of yellow fluff is actually a rare caterpillar that only looks like Donald Trump’s hair.

And for that reason, this flannel moth photographed in the Amazon has been nicknamed the Donald Trump Caterpillar.

It was spotted and photographed recently by Phil Torres of Posada Amazonas Rainforest Expeditions while leading a photography tour in a Peru rainforest. He posted the photo online and immediately people began commenting about how it looks like Donald Trump’s hair.

“We didn’t see the resemblance when we first saw the caterpillar, but looking at the photo, it’s certainly similar to his hair,” Torres told the UK Daily Mail. “It was pretty funny, people went mad for the photo comparing it to his toupee.”

Interestingly, and coincidentally, approaching the Donald Trump Caterpillar can be very dangerous, particularly if you come in contact with the business end of its yellow mane.

“If you touch that thing, it would seriously hurt,” Torres, a field biologist, told the UK Daily Mail. “It has these little hairs that can poke into your skin and release a venom.”

Just like the real Donald Trump. How uncanny!

GOD'S AWAY ON BUSINESS

14 Year Old Boy Sold Mother's Jewelry So He and Friend Could Visit Brothel

Two 14-year-old German boys have been charged with stealing €3,000 worth of jewelry from one of their mothers, to pay for a visit to a brothel. Police said the boys were still grinning as they were being questioned.

Caught in a "delirium of hormones," as a police statement on Monday put it, the two boys got only a tenth of the value of the jewels when they sold them to a canny gold dealer. 

"With their proceeds of €300, the pair didn't just buy pizza, kebabs, and have a game on the fruit machines," police spokesman Ralf Minet said. They also paid two visits to a brothel in the red light district of Karlsruhe, southwest Germany.

Buoyed by the night's experiences, “one could still see a delighted smile on the faces of the thieves during their interrogation," Minet's statement said. "But the little rascals' smiles, who are not unknown to the police by the way, disappeared soon enough, especially because they will have to pay for the reversal of the transaction out of their pocket money," he added. The boys are to be charged for theft.

JOKE: As He Lay Dying

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those." she said, "They're for the funeral."

VIDEO: Deer eating a bird

VIDEO: Fisherman finds finger in belly of a fish

A fisherman found a human finger in the belly of a trout caught in a remote northern Idaho lake. And detectives located the owner, who delivered a surprising message.

Despite the hard work of investigators, Haans Galassi said he did not want to be reunited with his severed digit.

"At first the sheriff asked me if I wanted it back, and I was thinking 'um, no!" Galassi, 31, said.

The reunion may bring back too much pain for Galassi, who is getting over the accident two months ago on an Idaho lake.

Galassi was wakeboarding on Priest Lake in July while holding on to a rope attached to a speed boat. Then things went terribly wrong.

He noticed too much slack in the rope, tried to correct it and the rope wrapped around his left hand, he said.

"It pulled me over in the water and dragged me for a few feet before it broke me free," Galassi said. "I didn't feel pain at first, just numbness, and I pulled my hand out of water and it was bad news. I look and see I'm missing all four fingers at that point."

Galassi was rushed to the hospital and has been trying to get by without his fingers. He learned that he can still grip and grab items such as a steering wheel with his affected hand.

And then he got the strange phone call Tuesday from Det. Gary Johnston of the Bonner County Sheriff's Department.

The fisherman who found the finger on September 11 quickly put it in a freezer and called the sheriff's department, Johnston said.

"The lake is cold and deep so it was in remarkably good shape," Johnston said. "We'd fingerprinted it and sent it to the state lab to match what's on file and lo and behold, they came back and said that's Haans' little finger."

Fisherman Calvin Nolan told CNN how he made the grisly discovery as he gutted a trout caught by his friend Mark Blackstone as they fished together.

He had noticed something in the gut of the fish that he thought looked like a crawdad, or crayfish, which they had been using as bait -- but Blackstone said, "No, that's a finger."

Nolan said the digit was very well preserved when they first found it, adding: "It was as fresh as if it was on my finger."

The two fishermen, who turned the 4-5 lb trout over to the sheriff's department, were so amazed by their unlikely discovery that they both bought lottery tickets afterward, Nolan said.

"I've caught a zillion fish, but never one with a human finger," he added.

In the meantime, since Galassi said he did not want the finger, the sheriff's department will leave it in an evidence freezer in case he changes his mind, Johnston said.

And Galassi may just do that.

"Now I'm thinking, what if I can get it put back on?" he said. "I've called my doctor to see if they can put it back on and I'm waiting for him to call me back."

Video: Skateboarder collides with deer at 40 mph

JOKE: A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun

A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks up the the bar and sits down. He proceeds to order a beer for himself and for the little Leprechaun.

Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks at the construction worker and goes, "pfffffft" right to the big guy's face.

Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on this breach of manners.

After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "pffffffft" to the construction workers face.

The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is visibly bothered, but decides not to do anything again.

Well sure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer. Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction worker and goes,"pffffffft" to his face. Well, this time the big guy has had enough of the little guy's manners and walks over to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.

The construction worker tells this fella, "If your little friend does that again, I'm gonna cut off his little dick!" The fellow tells the big guy "Well Leprechauns don't have dicks." The big guy asks, "Well how does he go pee?" The fellow with the Leprechaun on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, "pffffffft."

VIDEO: Kentucky Chinese restaurant shut down after roadkill deer found in kitchen

A Chinese restaurant in Williamsburg, Kentucky, has been forced to shut its doors after getting caught with a dead deer in the kitchen. It happened on Thursday afternoon at the Red Flower Chinese Restaurant.

"We were actually joking about the, you know, the whole Chinese restaurant. You know some rumors that you hear," said customer, Katie Hopkins. But, Hopkins and her friends never imaged what would happen after finishing their buffet lunches.

"Two of the workers came in wheeling a garbage can and they had a box sitting on top of it. And hanging out of the garbage can, they were trying to be real quick with it. So that nobody could see it. But there was like a tail, and a foot and leg. Sticking out of the garbage can and they wheeled it straight back into the kitchen," adds Hopkins. Hopkins immediately called the health department to describe what she saw.

"Many people eat there. A lot of locals eat there on lunch breaks and stuff. It was very disturbing. There was actually a blood trail that they were mopping up behind the garbage can," she said. Paul Lawson, the environmental health inspector in Whitley County says this is the craziest thing he's ever seen. After he arrived at the Chinese restaurant on south highway 25 West, he says the complaints proved to be true after finding roadkill in the restaurant's kitchen. Lawson said that the owner's son admitted to picking up a dead deer off the side of I-75 north in Williamsburg. This prompted the health department to immediately shut down the business. "They said they didn't know that they weren't allowed to. So that makes me concerned. But maybe they could have before. They didn't admit to doing it before," says Lawson. Lawson says that the restaurant can reopen if they pass a secondary health inspection, proving that they have washed, rinsed, and sanitized the restaurant after having roadkill inside. The restaurant owner told the health department that he wasn't going to serve the road kill to customers, but instead to his family. The Red Flower Chinese Restaurant will not face any fines.

VIDEO: Cat and Rat at Play

VIDEO: Alligator for Hire for Kids Birthday Parties

Although critics argue that mixing alligators and 8-year-olds is bad parenting, Florida alligator wrangler Bob Barrett calls it a party. And for $175, Barrett will bring a gator directly to a home.

Tampa-area parents looking for something more than a clown or pizza for their children's birthday parties now need look no further than Barrett's Alligator Attraction, which will bring an alligator straight to their backyard pool to swim with the children.

"It just took off like wildfire, Barrett said. "Everybody loves having the gator pool parties."

Barrett runs The Alligator Attraction of Madeira Beach, Fla., where visitors can pay to hold and feed rescued baby gators. He says the inspiration for his party idea came when business was sluggish in the summer and he saw other options that were available for children's parties.

"If you're 9, 10 or 11 years old, you've already had the 'jumparoo' house, the bounce house, you've had the pizza party, you've had the clown party," Barrett said. "You get to have a pool party with a gator. It's a very popular party."

Tampa-area mother Chris Jones opted for the alligator party idea when she was looking for something unique for son Marshall's 8th birthday party earlier this summer.

"They really were so into it," Jones said of her party's attendees.

It turns out her son wasn't the only person surprised by the reptile party guests.

"We allowed all the children to come to the party and the parents without telling them about the alligators," Jones said.

This is all safe, said Barrett, who tapes the baby gators' mouths shut before the party. He says that because the muscles they use to open their mouths are weak, there is virtually no risk of children being bitten.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission has determined that Barrett isn't doing anything illegal, but added in a statement, "We will say that this is not something that we encourage."

But 8-year-old Marshall Jones doesn't care, and he wouldn't mind seeing these party animals at his house again next year.

"They go really fast," he gushed. "They're like, really cool."

JOKE: CAN'T MARRY YOUR SISTER

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mom."

The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. "Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."

His mother smiling said to him, "Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son.

GOT CAPTION? 9/26

VIDEO: Texas Police Officer Pushes Woman Away From Car Crash

VIDEO: Dog adopts abandoned kitten

The tiny kitten, its eyes still shut, was only a couple of days old when Pat Weber's teenage grandson found it on the cold floor of a barn at their Jordan, Minnesota, home. "He brought her into the house and said 'I think she's dead,' " Weber recalled. "But I held her in the palm of my hand, and I could tell she was moving." The kitten, nothing more than a "little fur ball," had apparently been abandoned by its mother, who was nowhere to be seen. That's when Mittens, Weber's 4-year-old Pekingese dog, took over.

As Weber put the kitten on the carpeted floor to call a veterinarian, Mittens approached, nuzzled the kitten and let her suckle, even though the dog wasn't pregnant or nursing a litter of her own. She had given birth to puppies, but that was two years ago. Three days after their first encounter, Mittens began producing milk, becoming the kitten's sole source of sustenance. "She decided that little kitten needed a mother," Weber said. Now called Bootsie, the charcoal-grey kitten with white paws has become a lively, meowing addition to the Weber household.

"I couldn't believe it at first," Weber said. "Later I took some pictures and took them to church and told people I had a miracle to share. The miracle was that after three days my dog had milk to feed the kitten with, and I didn't have to get up every two hours to feed her formula out of bottle." Stephen Lavallee, the New Prague veterinarian who has examined Mittens and Bootsie, said both animals are healthy and the kitten is gaining weight at a normal rate. Lavallee had not previously encountered a case of a dog nursing a cat, but he said it is not unheard of.

John King, a Le Sueur veterinarian and executive director of the Minnesota Veterinary Medical Association, agrees. "There's a strong maternal instinct in many animals, and they will foster other species. It depends on the temperament of the individual animals, both the baby and particularly the mother," he said. Weber said her dog is affectionate by nature and loves babies such as her 9-month-old great-grandson. Even so, she marvels at the interaction between Mittens and Bootsie, even when the kitten isn't nursing. They play and cuddle, and the dog licks and cleans and the kitten. "Hormones will do strange things, that's about all the vet said," Weber said.

VIDEO: Funny Cats

JOKE: Gorilla Love

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!" So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."