#### Female Pre-Coital Agreement ####

I, the undersigned, do hereby agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny."

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favorite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty," "huge" or "the thunderstick."

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________
Date ____________________

VIDEO: I NEED ME SOME BOOGIE

BANK EMPLOYEE FIRED FOR TELLING THE TRUTH

Bank of America fired Jackie Ramos after she took a stand against the bank's $15 "convenience" charges and $39 over-the-limit fees so she could sleep better at night.

"There was something inherently evil about my job," the 23-year-old said in a YouTube video she uploaded on Nov. 27, two days after her termination.

Ramos, of Fairburn, Ga., worked as a "customer advocate," which involved calling people who fall behind on credit card payments and either encouraging them to pay or modifying their accounts. But not all customers qualify for modification programs that will help them, and Ramos grew tired of saying no after six months on the job.

"So I stopped denying people," said Ramos. "I helped people get on programs that they didn't necessarily qualify for but who definitely needed the help."

Bank of America declined to comment on Ramos's video but confirmed her account of the firing.

"Ms. Ramos clearly violated some bank policies, particularly around misrepresenting customer information," said spokesman Tony Allen. "Perhaps more egregious, she encouraged customers to misrepresent their information."

Allen said that as of Oct. 31, Bank of America has modified over one million customer accounts totaling $10 billion in outstanding debt by lowering interest rates or modifying monthly payments. He said the bank expects to modify between 1.2 and 1.5 million consumer and small business credit card accounts in all of 2009.

In an interview with HuffPost, Ramos emphasized that she did not make the video out of any bitterness toward Bank of America, and she said that she does not consider her former employer any worse than other credit card companies -- she's angry about the whole system.

"I feel like there's a real credit problem in this country," she said. "Too many people are complacent... Slavery was also legal at one point in time. It was the law. Now we have 30 percent interest rates, $39 late fees and over-limit fees. I want the laws changed. I want the federal government to protect its people and do what it's supposed to do."

YouTube has been an effective venue for bank customers outraged that an industry kept afloat with taxpayer dollars is raising fees, interest rates and minimum monthly payments. Ann Minch of Red Bluff, Calif. won a reduced interest rate after she declared a "debtors' revolt" in September. Her video spawned imitators such as former Bank of America employee Ben Frasier of Douglas, Ore., who said "Bank of America will stop at nothing to turn an insane profit at your expense."

Personal finance guru Suze Orman hailed the "debtors' revolt" and said banks should take notice.

In her video, Ramos said she'd never forget one customer in particular -- a 24-year-old mother with cancer who'd recently lost her mom and husband but still wanted to pay off a $6,000 debt. The woman didn't qualify for any program that would help her.

"She sobbed on the phone telling me she couldn't afford the 30 percent interest... that we had her account on. She couldn't afford the $39 late fee, the $39 over-limit fee. She told me that we were her first credit card when she turned 18, we were her only credit card, and that she was a loyal customer. And given the time to be on this earth a little while longer she would have always remained a loyal customer.

"According to Bank of America, she doesn't have enough income to be put on a program, but she can however keep paying the high interest rates on the account, and fees, because at the end of the day, it is her account, she did rack up the debt, she was late, and she did deserve the 29.99 percent interest rate."

JOKE: THE POPE WAS TAKING A SHOWER

The Pope was taking a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"

"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "...two million dollars..."

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" replied the housekeeper. "They must have seen you coming!"

****HOLY COW****

It's not unusual for calves to have markings on their foreheads, but a calf born a week ago at a farm in Sterling gives a new meaning to the term "unusual."

When the calf was first born, Brad Davis, the calf's owner, didn't see anything unusual about it.

Davis said, "At first we didn't notice his marking, until later in the day and his fur dried and then it went back into position and the hair straightened out. That's when we noticed we had something special here."

The calf, which is mostly brown, had an all-white cross in the middle of its forehead.

Davis said, "Well, I think it's maybe a message from up above. I'm not sure. We're still trying to figure that out."

Megan Johnson of Sterling said, "Well I wasn't surprised. I wasn't surprised at all because the dairy industry has needed a miracle for a long time and this is it. I think it's divine intervention, personally. I'm in the breeding business and I know about reproduction and genetics and I don't think this could happen again in a million cows."

Ukrainian student killed by exploding chewing gum

A chemistry student from the northern Ukrainian city of Konotop was killed when a stick of chewing gum exploded in his mouth, Ukrainian media reported on Tuesday.

The 25-year-old student of Ukraine's Kiev Polytechnic Institute was working at a computer in his parents' house late on Saturday when the incident occurred.

"A loud pop was heard from the student's room," the ukranews.com portal said, citing an aide to the city's police chief. "When his relatives entered the room they saw that the lower part of the young man's face had been blown off."

A forensic examination established that the chewing gum was covered with an unidentified chemical substance, thought to be some type of explosive material.

Police questioning revealed that the student had a bizarre habit of chewing gum after dunking it into citric acid. On his table, police found both citric acid packets and a similar-looking unidentified substance, believed to be some kind of explosive material.

Investigators believe that the student simply confused the packets, and put the gum, covered with explosive material, into his mouth.

Although the local forensic department does not have the necessary equipment to identify the substance, it refused to send it to the capital, Kiev, over fears that it might explode during transportation. Forensic experts from Kiev are expected in Konotop on Wednesday.

Investigators are to decide within a 10-day period whether a criminal case should be launched.

http://en.rian.ru/strange/20091208/157160984.html

VIDEO: Marijuana Warning

VIDEO: DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico

DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico

Petunias and Potatoes Meat Eaters? Oh My!

Petunias and potatoes may actually be carnivorous plants, scientists now suggest.

Indeed, carnivorous behavior may be far more widespread in plants than commonly thought - if we take a closer look, botanists said.

At least six different kinds of killer plants have been recognized since the time of Darwin, such as Venus flytraps, which snares insects between its jaw-like leaves, and pitcher plants, which capture victims in slippery pits. These plants apparently target animals to supplement their growth in harsh, nutrient-poor habitats.

Many other plants, some quite common, have also been suggested as potential carnivores over the years that have failed to gain wide acceptance as such thus far. Petunias and potatoes, for instance, have sticky hairs that trap insects, and several species of campion flowers have the common name catchfly for the same reason.

"We may be surrounded by many more murderous plants than we think," said botanist Mark Chase, Keeper of the Jodrell Laboratory at the Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew in England.

Cryptic carnovores

Chase and his colleagues reviewed all the research so far on carnivorous plants. A number of plants might actually be carnivorous, they noted, but merely go about their murderous business in a subtler manner than their more conspicuous cousins.

For instance, the cross-leaved heath (Erica tetralix) is not typically considered a carnivorous plant, but this pink flower possesses sticky, adhesive glands and dwells in poor soils. Also, while carnivorous seeds might be a strange concept, those of the shepherd's purse (Capsella bursa-pastoris) possesses a sticky layer with chemicals that can attract, kill and digest victims.

"Although a man-eating tree is fictional, many commonly grown plants may turn out to be cryptic carnivores, at least by absorbing through their roots the breakdown products of the animals that they ensnare," Chase said.

The reason why most of these plants are not generally thought of as carnivores is because they have not been found capable of digesting what they entrap as more obvious carnivorous plants do. Still, because roots can readily absorb nutrients released from decaying corpses, nearly all plants are capable of carnivory, Chase and his colleagues assert.

"In almost every habitat, the nitrogen and phosphorus that animal bodies can provide are limiting factors for growth, and even a minimal amount of carnivory can reap some benefit," Chase told LiveScience.

Sophisticated plants

Although Chase feels there is more than just circumstantial evidence that demonstrates how widespread carnivorous plants are, to prove the point, researchers can dose insects with mildly radioactive nutrients. Scientists can then track such molecules to see if the plants are really absorbing them, which would show they are benefiting from killing prey.

"What plants are doing is much more sophisticated than we ever imagined," Chase said. "Although animals are eating plants, plants are also eating animals. It's not just a one-way street."

The scientists detailed their analysis December 4 in the Botanical Journal of the Linnean Society.

JOKE:

Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!

thanks to *Jonboy* for this one..