JOKE: Jack's gone for cotton...

In the country lived a family that made its living weaving cloth. One day, a debt collector knocked on the door.

"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

"I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."

A few weeks later the collector tried again.

"Is Jack here today?"

Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen,
he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery. Sure enough, he found poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription:"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

OMG..OMG..I VOTE FOR EUTHANIZATION HERE..THIS WOMAN IS TOO MUCH!!

FYI: YOUTHFUL APPEARANCE PORTENDS LONGER LIFE

People blessed with youthful faces are more likely to live to a ripe old age than those who look more than their years, work shows.

Danish scientists say appearance alone can predict survival, after they studied 387 pairs of twins.

The researchers asked nurses, trainee teachers and peers to guess the age of the twins from mug shots.

Those rated younger-looking tended to outlive their older-looking sibling, the British Medical Journal reports.

The researchers also found a plausible biological explanation for their results.

Key pieces of DNA called telomeres, which indicate the ability of cells to replicate, are also linked to how young a person looks.

A telomere of shorter length is thought to signify faster ageing and has been linked with a number of diseases.

In the study, the people who looked younger had longer telomeres.

All of the twins were in their 70s, 80s or 90s when they were photographed.

Over a seven-year follow-up the researchers, led by Professor Kaare Christensen of the University of Southern Denmark, found that the bigger the difference in perceived age within a pair, the more likely it was that the older-looking twin died first.

The age, sex and professional background of the assessors made no difference to any of the results.

Professor Christensen said it might be that people who have had a tougher life are more likely to die early - and their life is reflected in their face.

The researchers told the BMJ: "Perceived age, which is widely used by clinicians as a general indication of a patient's health, is a robust biomarker of ageing that predicts survival among those aged over 70."

Professor Tim Spector, a UK expert who has been doing his own twin research, said: "We are also finding this in our study.

"It's probably a combination of genes plus environment over a lifetime that are important."

He said the findings also show that people are good at assessing how well someone is and that doctors should eyeball their patients.

"If a patient looks older than their years then perhaps they should be more concerned," he said.

OH DEER ME..DILLIE LIVES IN THE HOUSE

The words, "Yes, dear," have a whole new meaning in one Ohio household.

This family has a deer living inside their house.

Dillie the deer has lived with the Buteras in Canal Fulton, Ohio, for the past five years. Abandoned by her mother at birth, because the mother incorrectly thought she was blind, Dillie has since become part of another family - a family of humans.

Steve Heathman, Dillie's owner, said the deer is "like my daughter and son."

Over the years, Dillie has adjusted to living indoors, eating pasta and ice cream - and even swimming in the family pool.

Dr. Melanie Butera, the veterinarian who rescued Dillie and her other owner, said, "She pretty much runs the household. Everything revolves around her.
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JOKE: AT THE PENTAGON

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world's most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General's voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted. "I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."

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JOKE: WHAT WOULD TIGER WOODS DO?

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

JOKE: LITTLE JOHNNY SPEAKS UP

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

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