JOKE: A Group of Nuns are Travelling

A group of nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me,".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

Mom Forced Son to Kill Hamster Over Bad Grade

Lynn Geter, 38, is accused of forcing her 12-year-old son to kill his pet hamster for earning a bad grade,

As punishment for bad grades, a Georgia mother forced her 12-year-old son to kill his pet hamster with a hammer, police said.

The day after he was forced to kill his pet, the child told his teacher, Meriwether County Sheriff Steve Whitlock told the AJC Thursday evening.

The teacher reported the incident to DFCS authorities, who contacted police, Whitlock said. The pet's death allegedly took place at the family's Warm Springs home.

On Friday, 38-year-old Lynn Middlebrooks Geter was arrested, Whitlock said. Geter faces one charge each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.

Geter remained in the Meriwether County jail Thursday evening, Whitlock said. Meriwether County is located about 90 minutes southwest of Atlanta.

83-year-old beats 99-year-old man in fight over parking

Steve Pulwers, 99 years old

An angry 83-year-old brawler beat a 99-year-old man old with a metal steering-wheel lock in Brooklyn in a fight over parking, authorities said yesterday. The geriatric dust-up happened at 2:10 p.m. Monday across the street from Maimonides Hospital in Borough Park, when Gersh Gofman, 83, of Sheepshead Bay, pulled his car in front of the driveway outside Steve Pulwers' house.

Pulwers, who's just two months shy of 100 and lives above a doctor's office, said he was putting out the trash and knocked on Gofman's window when the doctor returned for an emergency call and couldn't get into the driveway. "The doctor honked the horn, one, two, three, four times," Pulwers said. "I say, 'Gentleman, the doctor wants to go into the garage.' He did not answer. He then got out and takes a metal tool and hits me. He knocked me to the ground."

Pulwers, a retired Manischewitz wine-factory employee, said Gofman pinned him to the ground with his knees. The near-centenarian said he was helpless, and tried to use his coat to defend himself. "I hit him in the leg with my coat like a little fly," he said.

Gofman, who hadn't said a word up to that point, then threatened Pulwers in Russian. "He said he was going to send somebody to cut off my balls," Pulwers said.

The doctor called 911, and Gofman was arrested. Pulwers was taken to Maimonides where he was treated for a broken nose and broken ribs. "He's much younger than me, much stronger. He could be my son," Pulwers said of the comparatively spry Gofman. "Maybe he's crazy or maybe not normal, because a normal person doesn't try to fight an old man who is close to 100 years old.

"I'm lucky I'm still alive. I thought he was going to kill me." Gofman, who has no criminal record, was charged with assault, menacing and harassment, and released without bail. He's due back in court Feb. 25.

JOKE: 20 YEARS WITH MY WIFE

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

Obese Passengers To Be Charged Double To Fly With Air France

Obese passengers who are unable to squeeze into a single plane seat are to be charged double to fly with Air France.

Overweight flyers will be asked to pay for two seats, or not be allowed on board for 'safety reasons', the airline announced yesterday.

Air France spokeswoman Monique Matze added: 'People who arrive at the check-in desk and are deemed too large to fit into a single seat will be asked to pay for and use a second seat.

'They will be charged 75 per cent of the cost of the second seat, which is the full price excluding tax and surcharges, on top of the full price for the first.

"The decision has been made for safety reasons.

'We have to make sure that the backrest can move freely up and down and that all passengers are securely fastened with a safety belt.'

VIDEO: AND THEN HER PANTS SPLIT WIDE OPEN

One of the UK's brightest hopes for success in this year's Winter Olympics has become an overnight sensation - butt for all the wrong reasons.

Scottish sled supremo Gillian Cooke has been splitting sides around the world after her skin-tight lycra racing suit burst open to expose her bottom and black g-string.

Unfortunately for the 27-year-old, her bare behind was a mere few feet from the glare of the media lens when her suit ripped seconds before she jumped into her bobsleigh.

Like a true professional, Cooke seemed not to notice the rush of cold air and rode to seventh at the world championships in St Moritz, Switzerland, with her partner Nicola Minichiello.

Cirque du Soleil Trampoline

JOKE: Roy, an Undertaker, Recently Came home With a Black Eye.

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day. replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

Thieves Sought in Massive Hay Theft. Bale Expected to Be Very High

WELLSVILLE, Pa. -- It's a crime with high bale.

Police in York County are trying to find out who took more than 200 bales of hay from a farm early this month.

State Police said someone broke into a barn in Wellsville on Jan. 3 and took about 245 bales of hay. The barn's owner does not live on the property.

Trooper Matthew Pavone said rather balefully that the hay is worth in excess of $1,000, and that ain't hay..

Best Damn Duct Tape Story EVER!!

During a private "fly-in" fishing excursion in the Alaskan wilderness, the chartered pilot and fishermen left a cooler and bait in the plane. And a bear smelled it. This is what he did to the plane. The pilot used his radio and had another pilot bring him 2 new tires, 3 cases of duct tape, and a supply of sheet plastic. He patched the plane together, and FLEW IT HOME! TRUE STORY Yahoo! Canada Toolbar : Search from anywhere on the web and bookmark your favourite sites. Download it now!