JOKE: A HOOKER, A RABBI, A 3 LEGGED DOG AND A DUCK

walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender says "is this some kind of a joke?"

Woman Swiped Ring From Dying Sister's Hand

Geraldine Magda sat next to the nursing home bed of her dying sister and held her left hand.

Later that day, police in Austin, Minn., found the dead woman's wedding ring in Magda's purse, and now Magda finds herself charged with two felonies.

Magda, 44, of Mapleview, Minn., was charged Wednesday with two felonies: theft and possession of stolen property.

According to police, Magda visited Mary Ulwelling, 58, at the ComforCare Nursing Home in Austin on New Year's Day, where her terminally ill sister only had a few hours to live.

Other relatives were present and noticed that Ulwelling's gold wedding ring with diamonds, valued at $2,500, was missing after Magda had visited.

Questioned by police, Magda said she sat next to her sister's bed and held the dying woman's left hand but denied taking the ring.

With Magda's consent, police searched her purse and found the ring in a prescription pill container. Magda said she didn't know how the ring got there.

Relatives told police that Magda has previously stolen jewelry from family members.

Mary and Paul Ulwelling were married in Las Vegas in the summer of 1999.

'Dumped' Mistress Posts Billboards

A woman has reportedly taken revenge for being dumped by her married lover by plastering huge billboard posters across the US showing the couple together.

The giant images of YaVaughnie Wilkins and Charles E Phillips in happier times have the words "You are my soulmate forever!" above them.

Ms Wilkins is thought to have commissioned the public adverts when Mr Phillips, who is a computer software boss and an adviser to President Obama, decided to go back to his wife.

One high-profile poster was placed in New York's Times Square while others were put up in Atlanta and San Francisco, where she lives. They are thought to have cost her a total of $225,000.

The billboards, which are three storeys high, also feature a link to a shrine-like website, (sadly no longer working), containing over 1200 photos of Ms Wilkins and Mr Phillips together from 2001 to 2009. The site also has 65 karaoke tracks and about 35 articles written by Ms Wilkins.

Mr Phillips, who is president of the giant Oracle Corporation, admitted: "I had an eight-and-a-half-year serious relationship with YaVaughnie Wilkins. My divorce proceedings began in 2008. "The relationship with Ms. Wilkins has since ended and we both wish each other well."

Fed Up Homeowner Graffitis His Own House To Spite Developer

Everett Washington homeowner Paul Larson says a developer excavated land surrounding his home five years ago to make way for a large subdivision. The work, he says, left behind sinkholes, toppled trees, a ruptured septic tank and waterline.

Instead of spending thousands of dollars to fight the developers in court, he decided to spend a couple hundred dollars on paint to graffiti his own house to make the neighbourhood a little less attractive to potential buyers.

JOKE: Three black men

This is a non-politically correct "guy" story. I trust you will handle it accordingly.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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Computer Sex

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of live ware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."

Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a PR1ME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and inquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight", he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K. "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"

They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgments, although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to-see-my-benchmark routine', but Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM", she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready.
He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.

"No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!"

"Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested.

"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!"

JOKE: A Group of Nuns are Travelling

A group of nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me,".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

Mom Forced Son to Kill Hamster Over Bad Grade

Lynn Geter, 38, is accused of forcing her 12-year-old son to kill his pet hamster for earning a bad grade,

As punishment for bad grades, a Georgia mother forced her 12-year-old son to kill his pet hamster with a hammer, police said.

The day after he was forced to kill his pet, the child told his teacher, Meriwether County Sheriff Steve Whitlock told the AJC Thursday evening.

The teacher reported the incident to DFCS authorities, who contacted police, Whitlock said. The pet's death allegedly took place at the family's Warm Springs home.

On Friday, 38-year-old Lynn Middlebrooks Geter was arrested, Whitlock said. Geter faces one charge each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.

Geter remained in the Meriwether County jail Thursday evening, Whitlock said. Meriwether County is located about 90 minutes southwest of Atlanta.

83-year-old beats 99-year-old man in fight over parking

Steve Pulwers, 99 years old

An angry 83-year-old brawler beat a 99-year-old man old with a metal steering-wheel lock in Brooklyn in a fight over parking, authorities said yesterday. The geriatric dust-up happened at 2:10 p.m. Monday across the street from Maimonides Hospital in Borough Park, when Gersh Gofman, 83, of Sheepshead Bay, pulled his car in front of the driveway outside Steve Pulwers' house.

Pulwers, who's just two months shy of 100 and lives above a doctor's office, said he was putting out the trash and knocked on Gofman's window when the doctor returned for an emergency call and couldn't get into the driveway. "The doctor honked the horn, one, two, three, four times," Pulwers said. "I say, 'Gentleman, the doctor wants to go into the garage.' He did not answer. He then got out and takes a metal tool and hits me. He knocked me to the ground."

Pulwers, a retired Manischewitz wine-factory employee, said Gofman pinned him to the ground with his knees. The near-centenarian said he was helpless, and tried to use his coat to defend himself. "I hit him in the leg with my coat like a little fly," he said.

Gofman, who hadn't said a word up to that point, then threatened Pulwers in Russian. "He said he was going to send somebody to cut off my balls," Pulwers said.

The doctor called 911, and Gofman was arrested. Pulwers was taken to Maimonides where he was treated for a broken nose and broken ribs. "He's much younger than me, much stronger. He could be my son," Pulwers said of the comparatively spry Gofman. "Maybe he's crazy or maybe not normal, because a normal person doesn't try to fight an old man who is close to 100 years old.

"I'm lucky I'm still alive. I thought he was going to kill me." Gofman, who has no criminal record, was charged with assault, menacing and harassment, and released without bail. He's due back in court Feb. 25.

JOKE: 20 YEARS WITH MY WIFE

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."