JOKE: A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole

A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him. The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not? The stately gentleman played "straight & true" golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest said, "Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

The fiancee formula: the best time to propose

Worried your boyfriend is never going to propose? Then buy him a calculator.
Mathematicians have come up with a 'fiancee formula' that allows men to work out the perfect time to pop the question.
All he needs is the age he would first consider marrying and his cut-off point - and the equation does the rest.
Maths professor Anthony Dooley said: 'Applying maths to matters of the heart is always dangerous. In life you are dealing with emotions and have to think much harder.

But if you want to work out the right moment to start getting serious, this gives you a mathematical framework.'
The formula is based on a statistical technique known as optimal stopping - or the best time to do something.

Professor Dooley's colleague, Professor Bruce Brown, said the formula was a 'reasonable approach' unwittingly followed by many young men, including himself.
Writing in the third person, he said: 'As for the author, he can tell you that, looking back and doing some calculations, he did follow the marriage solution, albeit by accident, and it has worked out perfectly.'
The formula was devised with men in mind but could equally apply to women, including those uncertain about whether to accept a proposal. It could also help nervous men calculate when to avoid the ultimate commitment.

But those who find they have passed the optimal age for proposing should not panic - simply pop the question to the next good prospect who comes along.
Professor Dooley, of New South Wales University in Sydney, added: 'Probability isn't the most romantic basis for a marriage but while the formula won't fit everyone it does seem to fit a lot of couples, whether through accident or design.'

Jesus picture only item to survive house fire

The day after Raymond Kennedy's home in Greensboro, North Carolina, burned down he says a firefighter pulled him inside what use to be his living room and told him to look around. Kennedy's first response was, "I looked around and said, 'Everything is destroyed' and he said, 'Look at that picture of Jesus.'"

On an outside wall of the home, right next to the front door hung a paper picture of Jesus Christ. The frame was covered in soot, the glass covering the picture was covered in soot and broken away, but the picture remained intact. Kennedy was shocked when he finally noticed it.

"It was extraordinary to me. I mean, I got cold chills on the back of my neck. I was just like, 'I cannot believe that picture did not burn,'" Kennedy said.

Kennedy was surprised because all the other photos burned behind the glass before it broke away. "Doesn't make any sense. A piece of paper in over 1,000 degree heat would just disentegrate. All the other ones did. All the other pictures in here, there is nothing left," he said.

Stewardesses Fight..Pilot Kick Everyone Off Plane

Bad weather wasn't the only thing slowing travelers down Thursday in New York. Passengers on a Delta Connection flight out of Rochester were delayed after two female flight attendants got into a fight on board the plane.
Dozens of frustrated passengers were forced off the flight and had to make alternative travel plans.
"Apparently, they got into a fist fight on the plane and the pilot decided to kick everybody off the plane," said one air traveler. "They told us we had to get off the plane because stewardesses were fighting."
Dozens of passengers on the Delta flight from Rochester to Atlanta were left to scramble to make other plans.
"You had someone who was getting married and was supposed to be in Cancun. There was a couple that was supposed to be on a cruise ship. Non-refundable. They left crying," said another traveler.
The flight was a Delta connector flight operated by Pinnacle Airlines. A spokesman for Pinnacle says the flight attendants will be kept off-duty, pending an investigation.
"The acts described are not acceptable," said Joe Williams, a spokesman for Memphis-based Pinnacle.
Hours after the flight, some passengers were till trying to find a way to get to where they had to go. But with a storm looming, some passengers said they knew there was a chance they'd be delayed, but not for this reason.
A spokesman described the fight as a "little" argument that started as the plane was returning to the gate after a passenger complained of panic attacks.

Blindfolded Husband's Surprise?? A Hammer Attack

Police say a wife wanted to surprise her husband. She blindfolded him and took him to a condo. Officers say that's where the surprise turned out to be an attack.

"The bottom line, it ended up with him being assaulted with a hammer," said Lt. Paul Jaroscak of the Salt Lake County Sheriff's Office.

Amazingly, the man, who was hit multiple times, escaped with only minor cuts to his head.

The attack took place in a condo in Holladay that belongs to the couple's in-laws, who weren't home at the time. The couple was apparently out on a date. They ended up in the basement of the condo, where the attack happened.

Lt. Jaroscak explained, "His story was that she had promised a surprise for him, and had actually blindfolded him."

The surprise Joel Ricks was expecting from his wife, Amy, probably isn't what he reportedly got. Amy Ricks, 34, allegedly hit her husband at least six times with the hammer before he ran out of the condo and called 911.

Meanwhile, Amy Ricks also left the condo and was on the phone with police.

"Our dispatch told her to wait at that point, and we found her and talked to her," Lt. Jaroscak said.

Amy Ricks was picked up about two miles from the condo.

She told deputies a different version of what happened. Investigators can't say how the husband's and wife's accounts differ because it's part of the investigation. But after hearing from both people, deputies arrested Amy Ricks for aggravated assault.

"In a 30-year career, I've heard about hammers being used in an assault, but it's been a long time," Lt. Jaroscak told us.

Joel Ricks is out of the hospital and back at home. He declined our request for an interview.

The case now goes to the district attorney, who will review it for charges and explore why a wife would allegedly attack a husband so violently.

Investigators with the Salt Lake County Sheriff's office say they have no reports of any problems between Amy and Joel Ricks. They are still looking for the hammer that Amy is accused of using in the attack.

JOKE: Two Generals were watching a battle

Two Generals of the Napoleanic era were watching a battle from a nearby bluff. Suddenly, a stray bullet struck one of them in the shoulder. Without an instants' pause, he turned to his aide - "Fetch me my red jacket," he commanded. As the aide rushed to comply, he turned to the other General, and explained that he didn't want the men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded.

The other General was clearly impressed. At that moment, a cannonball shrieked between them, the wind from its' passing rocking them both back on their heels. After a moment, the second General turned to his aide, and ordered, "Fetch me my brown trousers ... "

'My love handles saved my life,' says woman shot in Atlantic City

ATLANTIC CITY - Samantha Lynn Frazier wanted to lose weight. But the extra pounds do not bother her now.

"My love handles saved my life," she said Monday, two days after she was shot inside an Atlantic City bar.

The Florida woman's family had treated her to a trip to Atlantic City. But the gift to come visit her relatives and stay at a casino was ruined shortly after it began.

Frazier, 35, a former Egg Harbor Township resident, and her cousin Kimberly Moore, who still lives in the township, had just come from the Tropicana Casino Resort at about 1:30 a.m. Saturday when they decided to get a couple of drinks before going to a room at the casino.

Herman's Place on New York Avenue would be able to serve them, the women were told by someone they met along the way.

But as they walked toward the bar from the Boardwalk, Frazier heard a pop, then another. She tried to duck inside the bar with Moore.

That's when the pain hit.

"Something bit me," she said, putting a hand to her left side. "I moved my hand, and it was full of blood."

"I've been shot," Frazier said just before passing out.

She woke up in the Regional Trauma Unit at AtlantiCare Regional Medical Center in Atlantic City.

There, Frazier told the doctors to tend to Moore, who was so upset that Frazier was more worried for her.

Moore's mother, Kim Johnson, was there, too. She said she beat the ambulance to the hospital after receiving a hysterical call from her daughter.

When she called her mother, Moore was sobbing so heavily that Johnson could not understand her. She realized Frazier had been shot but did not know where it had happened. Johnson rushed to a relative's home in Atlantic City.

"There were no police or anything," Johnson said.

Another phone call from Moore - now in the ambulance with her cousin - led Johnson to the hospital.

"She still beat the ambulance," Frazier laughed.

Now, the day-care center worker is recovering at Johnson's home in Egg Harbor Township from the painful injury. She had a follow-up doctor's appointment Friday with the emergency room doctor who treated her.

"I come out on vacation to the world's largest playground, and I get shot," Frazier said. "I'm just an innocent bystander."

Atlantic City Detective Lt. Charles Love confirmed Frazier was not the intended target. The unidentified man the shooter was aiming for escaped with a bullet hole in his down jacket.

The shooter is described as a 5-foot-5-inch male weighing about 200 pounds.

Frazier said she is trying to keep moving around so she does not get stiff or depressed. Her family is helping, including her young cousins, who she said tend to her, trying to help her get up or down.

"No one in our family has ever been shot before," Johnson said. "No one's ever been to jail or anything. None of us."

Frazier's vacation may have been ruined, but she's got something to celebrate.

"I'm going to be 36 in July," she said. "Thank God, I'm going to be 36. I could have been dead. They said my love handles saved my life."

"I'd been hollering how I want to lose weight," she added. "I don't want to lose weight anymore. I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

Principals Funny Letter Mistakenly Sent..Near Mayhem Ensues

LITCHFIELD PARK, AZ -- Litchfield Elementary School Superintendent Julianne Lein has recommended that a district school principal, who wrote a sarcastic letter about students that was mistakenly sent home to parents, be reassigned to a district office position.

Lein also said she is working to hold a meeting for parents to discuss their concerns.

The letter sent home with second graders attending Litchfield Elementary School on Jan. 26 included disparaging remarks about students who could not complete their "easy" math assignments.

Some parents who have read the letter say it's funny.

"I found nothing offensive about it at all, I think it's very funny. I mean it's not for the children to see," said parent Celia Laughlin.

Other's don't think the letter is a laughing matter.

"It's not funny, it's bad for the kids," said a grandmother.

Litchfield Elementary School District Superintendent Dr. Julianne Lein said the district apologizes for the incident and is taking steps to remedy the situation.

The school district removed Principal Ron Sterr pending disciplinary action.

Sterr says he wrote a joke letter in response to caustic comments made by "an individual" and a teacher accidentally sent it home. He says he openly opposes the views expressed in the "mocking" letter he wrote.

"I just thought it was a joke. A joke he sent to some of his co-workers and evidently this co-worker didn't read it and sent it home to parents thinking it was a legitimate note from him," said a mom.

Many of the parents who spoke with ABC15 say they want the principal to stay at the school.

"He should be able to say his apologies and we can move on," said parent Heather O'Neil.

JOKE: A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

VIDEO: I'm Not Scared Anymore..Chris de Burgh