JOKE: A Man Goes to the Doctor

An elderly man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room, and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the elderly man stammers, "My goodness, Doc. Exactly what's my problem?"

The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

GOT CAPTION? 8/28

Australian couple charged over noisy sex

A South Australian couple may be the first to be charged with offences under the Environmental Protection Act - as a direct result of their noisy sex. Jessica Angel and Colin MacKenzie are madly in love. The only problem is, their whole neighbourhood knows it, too. After repeated complaints about their passionate but noisy love-making, police have been forced to step in to give their neighbours some peace and quiet. The couple from Adelaide's Black Forest suburb are believed to be the first in South Australia to be charged with offences under the Environmental Protection Act - as a direct result of their noisy sex and could face up to a $4000 fine. Police patrols have been to the couple's unit 20 times since April.

The latest callouts - last Sunday night and twice early on Tuesday morning - resulted in the couple being charged with disturbing the public peace and hindering an environmental protection officer. "We exceeded the noise pollution to the point we were arrested and taken out of our own house and told we couldn't have sex," a stunned Ms Angel said. Mr MacKenzie said: "It is completely over the top. I have been fined for having sex in my own house." On Sunday night, Ms Angel, 34, allegedly the loudest, was issued with an emergency Environment Protection Order by police. The 72-hour order required her to cease "emanating any and all environmental nuisance" including "screaming, loud moaning, swearing and raised voices". Despite the order - issued at 7.30 Sunday night - police were called back early on Tuesday morning. Ms Angel and Mr MacKenzie were fined $315 for breaching Sunday's police order and again warned to be quiet.

At 3.30am, police were called again, after a further complaint about their noisy sex.

This time the couple was arrested after being woken by officers and taken to Sturt police station, formally charged and given police bail to appear in Adelaide Magistrates Court next month. Ms Angel said police told them Sunday night's callout was in response to a report of a domestic dispute and "screaming", but that was wrong. "We were just having sex. No way were we fighting. We were being intimate Sunday and into Sunday night," she said. She said she was shocked to receive the order, but when fined for breaching that order, then formally charged early on Tuesday this turned to disbelief. An unrepentant Mr MacKenzie, 45, conceded they were noisy during sex, but said their neighbours could easily have knocked on the door themselves instead of calling police. "It is mostly Jessie," he said. "Our average sex goes anywhere from four, six, seven hours, basically five nights a week. That's pretty much why I am asleep at six o'clock in the afternoon. I will probably die of a heart attack, she is almost killing me as it is."

Mr MacKenzie said he felt many complaints were malicious, and on some occasions they were not even at home. "We can't even have sex. It's ridiculous and has gone beyond a joke," he said. And to be charged for being too loud, what did they bring a decimetre or something with them in the middle of it? This is all going on someone's hearsay. It is bizarre. What are people doing, just sitting in their flat listening to me and then they say, `I don't like the sound of that so I will ring up and complain.'? How can you live in a place where you can't have sex? It's ridiculous." Sturt Police Detective Chief Inspector Trevor Lovegrove said the incident was "certainly one of the more interesting matters police have had to deal with. We don't want to be seen as the killjoy police because we're certainly not. People have a right to privacy within their own home, but when their actions impact others police need to step in before a situation escalates. In the past, police have been called to the property and warnings issued. On this occasion police had been called earlier in the night, so when called back they took steps to ensure neighbours got a good night's sleep."

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JOKE: DRINKING WITH A REDNECK GAL

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck gal are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck gal, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says: "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

GOT CAPTION? 8/27

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JOKE: A little old lady went into the bank

A little old lady went into the bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay. But since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

GOT CAPTION? 8/26

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